


Sate My Appetite

by tyuoi



Series: Identity Drift [1]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Cannibalism, Explicit Sexual Content, Gore, M/M, Self-Destruction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-24
Updated: 2015-11-04
Packaged: 2018-03-18 21:09:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 10
Words: 63,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3584037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tyuoi/pseuds/tyuoi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ayato partakes on a journey of both spiritual and physical purposes and tagging along is a quote-loving freak he loves to hate. Together they'll learn that the boundary separating ghouls from humans is more of a concept than a reality.</p><p>“Evil is an act, not an appetite. How many haven’t wanted to slash the throat of some boor across the dining room table? Everyone has the appetite. If you give in to it, it, that act is evil, the appetite is normal”. – Gregory Maguire</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Denial

**Author's Note:**

> ok a few things. I made this pretty long even if it is only a couple chapters because I think a relationship between Kaneki and Ayato would be very gradual probably more so than this. Second, can ghouls get sick? idk i made up a lot of things in this lol. thirdly, this fic focuses mostly on the boys so if you're expecting other characters they'll probably be mentioned more than actually making an appearance. Comments and review are much appreciated c:

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ch Revised and Edited

Ayato pulled the collar of his coat closer to his face, attempting to block out the brisk, harsh wind.

Aogiri was moving camp—in avoidance of the CCG’s insufferable determination to seek them out. It was quite bothersome really and meant moving a bunch of imbeciles from deep within the group. Most of them were people Ayato had never meet and had no intent in doing so; he stayed on his side of Aogiri with Eto and Tatara and Noro; granted, they weren’t his preferred company. He didn’t really like anyone in Aogiri Tree. He was here to fulfill his goal and that was that. No point in socializing within the group.

Then there was Kaneki Ken. Ayato loathed that bastard from the very start. It took him a while to acknowledge Kaneki as a member or as a fellow executive mainly because he still thought of the half-breed as the defenseless boy that was so insistent on protecting Ayato’s dumb sister. The ghoul had changed that image when he broke 103 bones in Ayato’s body, splintered like wood.

A grudge forever to be held.

Physically he had healed long ago, but the sounds of his bones snapping and the sickening feeling of having his insides churned still visited him late at night. Ayato gritted his teeth.

Still he had to admit Kaneki was a rather essential weapon to Aogiri. At least this one didn’t screw up as much as most or complain as much as the majority of the Tree. Especially, Naki. He despised that twit.

What Ayato couldn’t fathom was why Kaneki was so kind to Naki. He was, after all, the brother of Kaneki’s torturer. Maybe he thought of the man as another obstacle in life that fundamentally weeded the weakness out of him and made him _better. So much better._ If Ayato had to deal with Kaneki on a daily basis—the way he was before; weak—, Ayato would have gladly handed him over to Yamori himself.

Well, at least that’s what he liked to believe. No matter what many thought of the Aogiri executive, Ayato wasn’t completely heartless. He was more than just a killer.

There was a name for person such as Yamori in the English language that he had recently learned: sociopath.

Deep down he knew he wouldn’t have been able to hand over Kaneki to such a cold-blooded creature. He wouldn’t necessarily stop it—he hadn’t. But he could still remember those 10 days clearly when Kaneki was kept in that vast, dome-shaped room.

To Ayato’s misfortune, that room was located in the middle of the main entrance and the bunkers. So day and night he would walk past it, and be reminded of the living nightmares that that room held at bay. The walls were soundproof so as not to force the entirety of Aogiri to listen to Kaneki’s guttural screams, and because of this it was widely ignored, avoided, forgotten.

But Ayato knew better. He had caught servants coming out a few times holding buckets of blood and strewn body parts; _it disgusted Ayato._

He knew Yamori was always a bit bonkers but he had never questioned his insanity until then. There was no debate that his strength was useful, but Ayato never understood the objective of torturing the half-ghoul. It was scheduled at the worst time also—right in the midst of battle between Aogiri and the CCG. It took away one of their strongest fighters from the front line and had him doing- _what? Playing with Kaneki’s limbs and finger-painting the walls with his blood._

A waste but not one Ayato had ever questioned in lack of morality. Why would he? Right and wrong weren’t in his nature.

There was one night, when Ayato had returned from feeding and had walked past the chamber; the door was cracked open for a reason unbeknownst to him.

Ayato had almost succeeded in getting past the corridor when a pain soaked screech came from inside, stopping him. Curiousity got the better of him—the door practically beckoning him to peer inside.

He had seen countless of people killed and torn apart, but there was something— _something_ about seeing Kaneki in that state of distraught that made Ayato’s intestines knot in agony. He had first he thought it was the smell—a tantalizing smell, overwhelming, heavy on his senses. It wasn’t that though; his stomach didn’t plummet from hunger. Instead it was from revulsion.

There was a spark of fire that lit in Ayato’s heart, a fleeting feeling of anger towards Yamori, one that still burned today.

And Ayato hated himself for it. He wasn’t supposed to be capable of emotion or righteousness, so why _why_ did he frown every time he witnessed Kaneki cracking his knuckles like his tormentor once had? It reminded him of something his father would feel or say. The thought that he was even remotely similar to his dad was repulsing.

That ass was out of his life and he didn’t need to revive him within himself.

Ayato could not understand. He simply just couldn’t understand. He had ever felt this way toward anyone, aside from his sister, though he wouldn’t admit that either. It was quite bothersome really and Ayato was hoping a change would come to this soon rather than later.

Ayato’s foot sank deep within a puddle. Well, that’s what happens to you when you’re too busy mulling over your emotions like some poetic imbecile. He muttered profanities under his breath and shifted towards the old abandoned warehouse Aogiri deemed fit to shack up in for the night.

\--

The place was exactly what would be expected from an old abandoned warehouse. It was dirty, dim, and damp. Ayato grimaced at his surroundings as he trudged into a separate room. At least the place was full of separated sections, so he wasn’t forced to breathe the same air as ‘Aogiri’s finest and most eloquent’.

He surveyed the room and walked towards an elevated platform. Hoisting himself up by his arms and walking along the high beam, he continued to scale the platforms until he was up high above anyone who would enter the room.

He let out a breath and watched the white puff ascend. Ayato lied back against the cool metal to stare at the ceiling.

This section of the building had a dome shaped ceiling and at the very center of it there was a crumbling hole where light shone through.

He raised his hand and let the light filter between his fingertips.

“They want us on watch.”

Ayato dropped his hand as if it was burned and turned his head to stare at the intruder.

Kaneki was crouched upon one of the skinny beamers a few feet away from him, silently watching. He was perfectly balanced but if Ayato were to push him he would fall to his death. At least that’s what Ayato liked to imagine.

“How’d you find me?” Ayato growled in annoyance.

Kaneki stared at him apathetic before he raised his index finger to tap his nose with. “You have an unforgettable smell, Kirishima-san.”

“Pervert,” he muttered and stood to make his way down his makeshift stairs. Kaneki followed suit.

Ayato walked to the roof of the warehouse with the half-ghoul trailing him along the way. He scowled. There was nothing that he despised more than watch duty—an unbelievably dull and tedious task. Usually, he was left alone with his thoughts, for they had never thought it necessary to have more guards. He wondered what sparked this change. Had Aogiri final pissed themselves with fear from the CCG? It was doubtful. It likely meant that they could sense someone on their trail and they wanted people who could handle trouble if it came.

Still he could help but feel offended.

He opened the door to the roof and walked to the edge. If he squinted his eyes enough he could see the faint glimmer of Tokyo’s lights.

Kaneki stood next to him—too close for comfort. The warmth he emitted ran a sickly sensation through Ayato. He could hear his pulse and the rushing sound of his blood under his skin, the very intake of his breaths, the slight flickers of his wrists. Being this close to the half-human made Ayato itch all over as if the ghoul in him want to rip out of him and devour the boy.

Placing some distance between the two, he dropped down to sit on the edge. He kicked the side of the warehouse with the heels of his boots, swinging his legs softly, and looked down at the ground, contemplating what _the fear_ felt like—the one a human felt right before they plummeted to their death. 

He smiled, imagining the thrill of it all quite appealing; that was until you became one with the pavement. Kaneki let out a sigh, alerting Ayato of their small proximity. He was standing right behind him and Ayato fought the urge to turn around and punch him in the balls.

Ayato hated how the man was able to sneak up on him like that, concealing himself until he felt like making his existence known.

“Don’t stand so close to me.” Ayato snarled at empty air.

“My apologies,” and then Kaneki was sitting next to him instead.

Kaneki was insufferable. Not only does he apologize, something that Ayato saw no use of, but he didn’t even stop what he’d been doing; only moved to a different spot that was in a way much more intimate than before.

Ayato glared at him out of the corner of his eye. Taking notice, Kaneki cocked his head to the side to look at the dark-haired boy.

“Have I done something to anger you, Kirishima-san?”

Ayato snorted. “You were born.”

Kaneki smiled somberly. “Unfortunately, for the both of us there is nothing I can do to change that.”

He got up and left—deciding for himself that his shift had ended.

Ayato stayed there for another hour, considering what Kaneki had said.

\--

Aogiri parted ways with the dreary, old warehouse at dawn and continued to head north. Ayato had gone ahead of the group—mostly to get away from everyone else; everyone had agreed, thinking it was a good idea to send a scouter out.

Unfortunately so they also thought it was a good idea to send someone else with him. He was starting to believe that Eto and Tatara thought he needed a permanent babysitter.

He had done nothing worthy of this cruelty.

Grumbling childishly, he made _sure_ he was plenty ahead Kaneki and wouldn’t have to undergo anymore mindboggling conversations.

It wasn’t that he disliked talking to him, it was more that he didn’t know _how_ to. Asides from strategic planning and receiving information or instructions, Ayato hadn’t experienced what most would call healthy conversations in a long while.

Every other conversation was tainted with hatred and slurs of disgust, with a few injuries thrown in the mix. Most of the “conversations” he had shared with Kaneki consisted of this. But recently Kaneki insisted on making small talk, aggravating Ayato to no avail.

The last person he talked to about something that wasn’t ghoul or Aogiri related was Touka, and it wasn’t like their relationship had been mended.

Pointless. Talking solidified friendships, love, and that ensured weaknesses. Weaknesses that could be easily exploited by the enemy, and Ayato had no intent on ever giving the opponent an advantage.

“You should talk more, Kirishima-san,” Kaneki trotted next to him and kept his gaze fixed on the horizon, “It’s good for you.”

Ayato nearly jumped out of his skin, but he attempted to put on a stoic face and calm his nerves. He scolded himself for it, confused as to why he was even anxious.

Ayato glanced at Kaneki, wondering how he had picked up on Ayato’s train of thought.

“That may be, but unfortunately there’s no one worth talking to.” Ayato spat at the ground to emphasize his point. He looked over smugly at Kaneki to find that his words had no effect. The half-ghoul made a simple hum of acknowledgement in response.

“Solidarity is both a blessing and a curse. It allows your mind to wander, but at the same time that’s also where the danger lies.”  Kaneki shoved his pale hands in his coat and glanced over at the boy.

“Is that some bullshit you pulled out of one of Eto’s books?”

A smile tugged at the corners of Kaneki’s lips.

Ayato mulled over Kaneki’s words, a sudden distaste burst in his throat. “Are you saying I’m fucking lonely?”

“Aren’t you?” Kaneki shifted his gaze towards the boy.

“No.” Hopefully, if he kept his answers short and sweet then Kaneki would eventually grow bored and leave Ayato in peace.

“I must be mistaken with someone else.”

“Must be.” Ayato felt like pulling his hands out of his pockets and rubbing his temples in hopes of getting rid of the headache the other ghoul was bestowing upon him. _Half-ghoul,_ he reminded himself. Yamori might have changed his behavior and mentality but he couldn’t erase the fact that Kaneki had grown as a human and still carried his human tendencies with him. He would never be like Ayato, and Ayato would never stop hating him for it.

“Even so, talking wouldn’t hurt.” Kaneki’s voice cut through the grime of his thoughts.

“My headache says otherwise.” The boy muttered grumpily.

“Tell me how you’re not lonely.”

Ayato whirled around to look at him. “What?”

Kaneki looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to elaborate. “I just am. Not my fault your mental ass doesn’t understand.”

“Doesn’t being alone mean to be lonely?”

“You don’t have to be alone to be lonely.” Ayato knew this; he had never been lonelier than when he was with his sister and his father.

Kaneki made a sound of agreement and thankfully kept quiet this time. Ayato was starting to wonder if Kaneki was going to boggle his mind with these conversations as he much rather preferred using it for more significant things; hunting was one on his mind.

Ayato watched as Kaneki opened his mouth to say something. “Still—

“Why the hell do you care if I’m lonely?” Ayato’s hands clenched inside of his pockets, his nails digging small crescent moons in his smooth palms. “You don’t care about me and I don’t give a fuck about you, so how about we keep it like that.” Ayato kept moving without looking back to see if Kaneki followed.

“It’s true I do not care for you, but I am capable of doing so.” Kaneki’s words snagged at Ayato, but he merely paid it a thought; he had dealt with wounds before.

\--

Ayato sank his teeth into the warm flesh. He preferred it when his meals didn’t scream. Though it wasn’t due to a guilty conscious, it was only a hassle and irritating. He supposed there was the pleasure of watching them squirm in his grasp or plead for their lives, but the repetitive act got boring.

A warmth spread through his system, dozing his senses, as the man’s blood ran down his throat. Hunger tore at him, flinging him into a raged fever.

He ripped at the man’s skin, his insides spewed, his intestines slipping through the young boy’s fingers.

There was a final scream before a last breath was taken. He ate greedily, gorged, gluttony quickly taking control. He wiped the blood off his chin and pushed the corpse into a dark corner.

He started to head back to the group, which had begun heading towards a vacated city that had been abandoned ever since a huge slaughter had taken place between ghouls and humans. Ayato wondered if the bodies and bones still littered the ground.

Aogiri had occupied the nearest building that had beds in numbers; it just so happened to be a hospital.

Ayato snuck around the corners and crept through the dark hallways, trying his best to avoid socialization at all costs.

He paid no attention to the dried, caked black blood that splattered the floors and walls.

Ayato looked at one the signs with floor levels. Mental ward: 6th floor. He smiled to himself; it seemed fitting that he’d go there. Ayato bounded up the steps in two until he reached the right floor.

He entered the ward and attempted to open a room. Locked. He tried the next, but it was locked as well. He kept this up until he heard the angelic click of a door opening, and slipped inside, closing the door.

Ayato rubbed at his eyes and made his way through the dark room until his knees hit the edge of a bed. He sat down and pulled his bloodied shirt off.

“Your senses are getting worse, Ayato-kun.”

His movements stilled and he picked is gaze up.

Kaneki was right; he had walked into a room without noticing someone else was in there. If it hadn’t been Kaneki he could have been easily ambushed. Although, since it was him, Ayato’s chances of instantly realizing someone was there were significantly smaller.

“I’m tired,” the excuse rolled off his tongue smoothly.

“You should rest then.” Kaneki’s soft voice carried from the other side of the room.

“That was my intention.” Ayato snapped.

Ayato swore he saw something glimmer in Kaneki’s eyes just then. But then again it could have just been his exhausted imagination or the darkness meddling with his eyesight.

“Goodnight, Ayato-kun.”

“Kirishima-san.” Ayato corrected. It baffled him that Kaneki thought he was familiar enough as to call him by his first name.

He lied down on the bed, pulling the covers to his chest, curled in his fingers in the fabric much like he did when he was a child. He meant to tell Kaneki to leave but the thought got lost in the process of falling asleep.

\--

Morning hit Ayato like it did if you had 10 cheap tequila shots and anything else offered to you the night before at a sketchy bar on the outskirts of town; the feeling didn’t settle well with Ayato considering he had actually experienced that exact train wreck of events and because it hadn’t been the cause to this effect.

Ayato had never been a morning person since far into his childhood, and it always took him a few minutes of just lying there wondering why it wasn’t 4am so he could feel the satisfaction of knowing he had a few more hours to sleep.

But this wasn’t any other morning. His stomach was knotted beyond unraveling, his body flushed with fever, sweat trickling down his forehead. He hadn’t felt like this since he was a child and had gotten stuck in a snowstorm alone resulting in him getting hypothermia. But last time he checked it was not snowing in Japan nor was it even remotely cold in the hospital.

He groaned and wrapped his arm securely around his waist as a wave of pain settled through him. He opened his clenched eyes and was met with a pair of grey ones.

Had he been able to move, he would have jumped out of the bed like a scared cat. Ayato glared at Kaneki half-heartedly as the he continued to observe the boy.

“You were moaning and groaning all night and you broke out into fever about three hours ago.” Kaneki knitted his eyebrows together. “I thought about giving you some medication, but I’m not even certain if ghouls take medication or if it’ll have any negative effects on them.”

“I wasn’t even aware you could get sick.” He added as an afterthought.

Ayato shut his eyes again attempting to get as far away from Kaneki’s scalding stare without physically moving. “We don’t…not unless something settles in before we can heal.”

Kaneki hummed.

Something cold pressed against Ayato’s forehead; instantly recognizing it, he shot his hand up to grab Kaneki’s wrist in a tight grip. Ayato watched as Kaneki’s lips did the impossible and frowned even more.

“You’re still burning. Why are you sick?” There was a hint of worry in his tone and Ayato wondered if Kaneki had meant it when he said earlier that he was capable of caring for him.

“The fuck am I supposed to know?” Ayato grumbled. His words came out garbled due to his irritated sore throat.

“Did you ingest something toxic?” Kaneki still hadn’t removed his hand from Ayato’s forehead and Ayato hadn’t loosened his grip either.

“Are you implying I ate someone sick?”

“It is a possibility you contracted something from…spoiled meat and since it’s attacking from the inside your body isn’t able to rid of it.” Kaneki kept his voice soft and emotionless as if he was afraid to wake up the non-existent patients next door. Ayato cracked an eye open to stare at him.

“I did eat someone shady guy last night who looked like he was hyped on crack.” Ayato replied.

Kaneki gave him a fixed look as if he was disappointed.

Ayato did his best to shrug. “I was starving and I wanted to see if I would get second-hand high. Call it science.” He spat sarcastically.

The corners of Kaneki’s lips lifted slightly—not enough to be a smile but enough to lessen his frown.

Kaneki withdrew his hand, his fingers slightly lingering on Ayato’s skin. He leaned back in the chair that was propped next to the beaten bed. Ayato close his eyes after a long stretch of silence guessing that his interrogation was over.

Sleep started to lull him out of consciousness.

\--

The second time Ayato came to it was as disappointingly painful as the first if not worse. There was a heavy nasty taste that sat on top of his tongue as if something had died there—trapped in the imprisonment of his jaws.

He flicked his tired eyes to the chair that was propped next to his bed expecting to see Kaneki there. At first he thought Kaneki had left him for dead until he realized he was just in a different part of the room.

It had grown incredibly dark in the room in what he had thought had been a short period of time since he had fallen asleep.

Kaneki shuffled over to the bed upon noting Ayato’s consciousness. He pressed a cool hand to the dark-haired boy’s forehead again, but this time Ayato had no energy to fend it off. He settled for glaring at him instead. Kaneki frowned which signaled Ayato that his state had probably not improved.

Kaneki sat on the edge of Ayato’s bed and kept his gaze trained on the opposite wall.

“Aogiri moved out this morning. I told them we’d catch up soon.” Kaneki’s voice came out breathy like it was out of use.

Irritation coursed through Ayato. “What did you tell them?” He asked suspicion lacing his words.

“That we had some unfinished business to take care of.” Kaneki threw a look over his shoulder that said more than it had to.

Ayato exhaled. Kaneki got up to rummage through a bag Ayato hadn’t even noticed he had.

“I got you some coffee but it’s probably cold by now.”

“I’m not one of your shitty friends at Anteiku; I don’t drink coffee.” Ayato did his best to pack the sentence with as much animosity that he could muster.

“I know, Ayato,” Kaneki said idly, “but I thought it would be easier for you to stomach than food for now.”

Kaneki sat back next to Ayato and moved to help him sit up which he received animalistic growls for. Ayato stared at the brown liquid momentarily before chugging it. He hummed happily around the cup as he felt the familiar tang of blood hit his tongue.

He wiped at his lips and threw the cup haphazardly to his left. Kaneki was gazing openly at him again. Ayato wondered what he found so amusing about Ayato that made him stare at him like a creep all the time. Maybe he reminded him of his sister; the thought did nothing to make him feel better. He settled instead that it was because of his devastatingly good looks, Ayato thought smugly to himself.

Ayato narrowed his eyes at him. “Why are you doing this?”

Kaneki locked eyes with him. Ayato watched the light that danced inside the dark orbs.

“I told you I was capable of caring for you, Ayato-kun and I meant it.”

Ayato was too stunned to remember to sneer at the elder for calling him by his first name.

 

\--

With recovery came Ayato’s sanity.

He had no idea why he had allowed Kaneki to familiarize himself with him or to take care of him. In his defense it wasn’t like he had been in any shape to fight off unwanted attention, but it didn’t excuse the feeling that settled in his gut. The one that hallowed a pit in his stomach, festering, ever so slightly, growing in diameter with each touch, glance, breathe. It made him increasingly aggravated as if there was an itch he couldn’t scratch—as if there was something lodged in the imprisonment of ribcages, something sickly flowing through stretched veins, the wrong tune of a pulse thumping erratically under the cover of skin.

This feeling, sensation, loss of common sense—whatever it was, made Ayato want to rip into skin, break his bones, tear his flesh, in the hope of finding this _thing_ and destroying it.

He didn’t want to feel this. He didn’t want to deal with this. He didn’t want Kaneki in his life.

He didn’t need another kink in his shield. So he would do the only thing he could: prevention. He would gather new provisions, stronger concrete, larger stones, until his crumbling walls rose so high that they looked down upon the grand sun.  And nobody, not even Kaneki will be able to look over those walls.

His eyes drifted towards the male that occupied his thoughts. He stood distanced as if he was somehow aware of Ayato’s shift in behavior. He would occasionally set his eyes on the back of Ayato’s head or let them roam over his body when he thought Ayato wouldn’t notice—which he did no matter how unapparent Kaneki wanted to be. With each glance sent his way Ayato felt his skin crawl.

It was ridiculous—how quickly Ayato fell apart under Kaneki’s ministrations, and all it took was him to be _sick_ and fussed over? He had never felt so weak, so pathetic as the way that Kaneki made him feel.

He hated it, he _hated_ him.

He watched as the corners of Kaneki’s lips rose. “You feeling hungry?” The words took a while to reach Ayato’s ears; he had been so transfixed on Kaneki he had forgotten he was more than a thought or concept and rather an actual person who spoke.

He twisted his lips in a sneer as the sickeningly sweet smell of blood tinted the air. He lurched forwards, Kaneki hot on his heels.

Ayato twisted around the corner of a building and peered down the alley. His stomach hurled at the fast movements, still not completely recovered from its day off.

There were three people, ghouls, hunching over the carcasses of their prey. Ayato could feel the veins in his eyes spreading the thick black ink and red spillage of his irises. His foot moved forward involuntarily but Kaneki placed his hand on his shoulder to still him.

Ayato wanted to tear his arm off until he realized Kaneki’s eyes shifted to the sky—no, the roof of the building. They scaled their way up the side of the building, careful to not alert the ghouls they hunted.

They watched until the ghouls’ backs were turned against them and that’s when Kaneki moved forward. Ayato let one foot dangle off the edge before he spiraled to the ground unleashing his attacks on the unknowing fools.

His hands moved rapidly, too fast for his mind to fully register the actions he was committing, his drive solely run by instinct. There was a spray of blood and a sense of satisfaction surged through him. The sickening sound of meat being chewed hit his ears, and it didn’t slip past him that Kaneki had taken a bite of the ghoul. The thought was quickly replaced as he secured his jaws around the warm flesh of a corpse.

Ayato opened his eyes in his euphoria to notice Kaneki openly watching him. Ayato felt a bit taken aback not necessarily because of the staring, which is something Kaneki did often, but because the look on his face had changed.

Kaneki leaned unbearably close to Ayato and Ayato couldn’t find the strength to move away. He didn’t know what it was, maybe the fact that he was still weak or that he had been so hazed by hunger, but he felt himself leaning forwards as well.

A cold finger thumbed at the corner of his mouth and it took him a while to understand what Kaneki was doing. Kaneki rocked back on his knees and inspected the red stain that dripped from his finger. He locked eyes with Ayato and licked his finger, and in that moment Ayato felt the most nauseating twist possible before he bent on his side to heave onto the concrete.

He gasped for air as blood and meat spewed out of his stomach minutes after they’d had entered it.

There was a heavy weight of hands on his shoulder blades and the comforting presence of Kaneki behind him.

Ayato stayed hunched over until he was able to regulate his breathing.

“I think you ate too fast, Ayato.” There was hint of humor in Kaneki’s tone.

“Fuck off, Kaneki.” There was a hint of humor in his tone too.

\--

“Do you even know where Aogiri was going?”

Kaneki tongued the inside of his cheek. “Not necessarily.”

“Then how are we supposed to find them, you idiot!” Ayato’s face was flushed partially with anger and the intensity of the cool wind.

Kaneki shrugged. “Who said we needed to?”

Ayato stared at him in disbelief. He couldn’t stand this man. Not with his constant riddles and empty answers.

Kaneki caught Ayato’s eyes. He pulled his hood on and hid a small smirk. “Calm down. I know where they’re at. I just like seeing you flustered.”

Ayato’s cheeks brightened with heat, contrasting the cold environment. His thoughts raced. What had he meant? Why would he say that? Where is Aogiri?

“I wasn’t even aware that you were capable of joking.” Ayato grumbled sourly.

“Neither was I,” a tight smile spread on his lips; “I suppose I have you to thank for.”

Ayato looked at the ground dumbfounded as a wave of unease settled through him. _That_ feeling was back and it was gnawing at his inside, churning them viciously.

“I haven’t done shit for you so you take that back.” Ayato snarled.

“On the contrary, Ayato, you have done more for me than you are aware of.”

Ayato whirled back to glare at Kaneki’s blank expression. “Since was it okay to call me by my first name?”

Ayato watched Kaneki’s expression go through the phases of confusion and realization. He tilted his head and smiled at Ayato like the boy was a puzzle he had just figured out.

“If I recall correctly, you too call me by my first name.”

Ayato blinked. It was true, but that had been mistake— a mere slip of his mind.

He was about to retort angrily when Kaneki stepped towards him, close enough for their white breaths to mingle in the air.

“Calling you by your first name is something you do when you are accustomed to someone and I have grown quite familiar to you, Ayato-kun.” Kaneki’s hand stretched forward to twiddle a piece of blue hair between his blackened fingers. He looked down at the hair in his hand almost as if he was admiring it before he let it fall back into place.

Ayato blinked rapidly in hope of clearing his muddled mind. When realization finally caught up with him he pushed at Kaneki’s chest, a growl slipping past his lips. “Fucking crack head.”

Kaneki let out a wolfish laugh at that his commentary and followed closely.

Ayato had no clue where he was going; he just wanted to keep walking. He guessed Kaneki should really be the one leading considering he was the one who knew where to go but he supposed he would tell Ayato if he started heading into the wrong direction. He started to think about what Kaneki had said. _“Who said we needed to?”_

He had been with Aogiri for a long time, and he had been satisfied enough with his life. And then Kaneki came and installed _emotion_. And suddenly, Ayato didn’t feel a yearning to return.

He just wanted to keep walking, somewhere—anywhere because it seemed that every step he took was not the desired destination. He wasn’t sure why he felt this way or if this need would stop once he reunited with Aogiri. He was starting to wonder if it would ever go away. Ayato had no clue where this emotion had sprouted from he knew for certain that he liked it better than the last one. At least, this one made him move on his own inhibition instead of following Kaneki around like a lost puppy.

Ayato ground his teeth. He was starting to resemble his sister and father with each waking day and it was all because of that white haired bastard. Next thing he knew he’d be downing a cup of coffee at Anteiku reading one of Eto’s books for lesiure. The thought made him cringe sourly.

He grumbled angrily to himself but stopped short once he felt a warm presence near him.

“Stop breathing down my neck, fuck-face.” Ayato hissed through gritted teeth.

Kaneki let out a shaky breath that could pass for a soft laugh. “You’re getting better at sensing your surroundings.”

“Well, it’s hard not to when you’ve practically become my shadow.” Kaneki smiled soberly at Ayato’s comment and continued to match the boy’s pace.

They walked in silence until they reached an empty shack on the side of a building. Kaneki left to check the perimeter, making sure they wouldn’t be disturbed by wandering pedestrians. In the meanwhile, Ayato leaned against the cold external of the small building. It was made out of that thin metal that bent under his weight and made a popping sound.

Ayato thought about leaving. He thought about it frequently. Kaneki certainly gave him enough opportunities to; probably on purpose as well. He could leave and never look back. Never rejoin Aogiri or even return to the familiar wards and districts of Tokyo. He’d probably be able to escape the CCG as well. He was hardly their main concern; what with Aogiri Tree and other organizations crawling down their throats. If he really wanted to he could even disguise his death during a battle and flee.

But that didn’t sound like Ayato. He was never one to run from a fight. Was it really considering fleeing though? He was only a part of Aogiri because he had wanted to become stronger, but what was the point of possessing strength if you had no use for it. He had no roots in Aogiri or people he cared for. He had no one and nothing; he only had himself to fight for and he was starting to wonder if that was such a grand deal anymore.

If he left he wouldn’t be escaping from the doves—not really. Eventually, they would catch up with him. Even if he changed everything about himself and moved far away in hope of fitting in with humans; reality would always come back to slam him in the face just like it had to his sister. The CCG will always find him no matter how good his cover up is. So if he left and escaped the CCG, left Japan, there would only be more doves in white, waiting for him ready to put him in a new file under a new name.

So long as Ayato was a ghoul he would be fighting to survive.

He would never know peace or happiness, but he had always been at peace with this thought. What was so different now?

Ayato exhaled and gazed up at the starlit abyss looking down at him.

Lolling his head to the side he noticed Kaneki’s arrival. He had a slight tint to his cheeks and his hair was terribly ruffled by the wind and Ayato had to fight the urge to fix it himself. They walked inside wordlessly and settled onto the one couch the place offered.

Ayato closed his eyes and hoped sleep would lull him into a sleep and he would awake rejuvenated with all doubts cleared.

“Drapetomania.” Kaneki’s voice cracked though the silence, full of raw emotion.

Ayato tossed to look at Kaneki. “What?” He had meant to make it sound spiteful but it came out only curious.

“Drapetomania: an overwhelming urge to run away,” Kaneki’s eyes shone brightly in the dark. “If you wanted to put a word to your emotions.”

He wanted to ask why Kaneki would accuse him of running away or at the least how the half-ghoul always knew how he felt, but instead he bit back his tongue.

He slammed that door shut in his head—the one that held the million voices telling him to _stop_.

“What other words do you know?”

Kaneki smiled and Ayato did not.

“Lypophrenia: a feeling of sadness seemingly without a cause. Escapism: a mental desire to retreat from unpleasant realities through fantasy. Aureate…”

Kaneki’s words eventually soothed him into exhaust.

_He has a voice like flowers blooming in darkness._


	2. Saccharine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saccharine: exaggeratedly sweet or sentimental  
> Ayato falls into a hole he can't climb out of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ch Revised and Edited

When Ayato woke Kaneki was gone and his essence was replaced by a wretched sensation deep within his chest. Ayato should have known better. He knew this was going to happen eventually, but at the time he hadn’t cared—much like he does with everything else.

Hope was a terribly dangerous emotion to toy with.

This world was born from cruelty not beauty and all that inhabited it were naïve, vain creatures bound by false truths of love. He had always fancied himself as someone free, never knowing the harsh consequences of humanity. But he had never been more wrong. Ayato was always vulnerable to this, like an open pulsing vein.

He, a ghoul, had never been closer to humanity in all his life and it only seemed poetic justice that this realization was delivered by someone who used to be human.

Ayato hadn’t even noticed he had been walking until he was dangerously lingering near the 24th ward. He turned back knowing only trouble and nuisances would come if he stayed or wandered nearer.

As he started to walk back to wherever he had come from he started to realize that it was getting harder and harder to distinguish the differences between the street he had just passed and the one he was currently on.

Something annoyingly close to fear knitted in his stomach but Ayato quickly pushed it aside, thinking himself irrational. He used to walk into wards all the time and wreak havoc without a care in the world. He had been untouchable then. What had happened?

“Are you lost little boy?” The voice crept from the shadows of the alleyway causing Ayato to stop in his tracks.

The woman who owned the voice stepped into the dim streetlights. She was long and lithe and wore tattered clothes that had old and new stain, and his mid didn’t have to wander too far to know where they came from. She stepped towards Ayato and he subconsciously stepped back. Her eyes had already peeled back into their darker shade, hunger tainting their color.

Ghouls didn’t attack others unless they were staking claim on territory or had personal business to take care of. But the 24th ward didn’t belong to anyone; not really.

He wondered if she was a cannibal like Kaneki. If so, no matter how much he loathed admitting it, he most likely wouldn’t be able to get out of this uninjured.

A screeching sound of metal being dragged against the concrete registered in his ears. He whirled around and was faced with ten other ghouls just like the woman. It turned out that the metallic sound had been the rhythmic tune of their kagunes being dragged towards him.

A lump in his throat formed as he felt his shoulders burst as his kagune spread in flames. Ayato bit back his fear and grinned widely, putting on as much of a facade for his attackers as he was for his own sanity.

“I don’t get lost.”

They attacked from all angles searching for his weaknesses. The majority of them weren’t as strong as him and was easily deflected by his crystalized spews. But it started to dawn on him that this pack of ghouls wasn’t diminishing in numbers like it should be.

An excruciating pain scorched it way across his bicep. Looking down he saw the woman biting down into his flesh, and he damned himself for forgetting about her.

He shielded himself with his ukaku and backed away, red trickling down his side in a steady, constant stream. The stench of his blood only roused the rest of them; they start to howl and cackle.

Ayato stepped back, eyes wide and he wondered what the hell he had gotten himself into.

The woman stepped forward and started to attack him. Her attacks were surprisingly weak but she was fast, unbelievably fast, and she managed to weave around him, delivering enough to make it lethal. Ayato jumped on her and started to tear at her with his shear strength. He ignored the searing hot pain in his gut that derived from her kagune.

Choking on his own blood, he sank into her throat gashing her arteries open. She reached up to cover her throat letting out short raspy breaths.

Ayato rose slightly off of her corpse and couldn’t understand Kaneki would ever find a ghoul’s taste satisfying, before he collapsed into alluring arms.

\--

Ayato rubbed at his eyes as he scrambled out of bed. The faint smell of coffee tinted the air, guiding him out of the room.

The kitchen was dark and it wasn’t until he looked outside the window that he noticed it was night. Somewhere on the other side of the room were two figures: one small, sitting on the counter, and the other larger and leaning on said counter.

Ayato’s eyes widened with recognition. “Otou-san, you’re home!” Ayato bounded into his father arms. He groaned dramatically when he lifted his son in the air, but it was muffled from Touka’s giggles.

Ayato wrapped his small legs securely around his father’s chest and leaned back to look at him.

“Where have you been?”

His father smiled gently then threw a look at Touka. Ayato’s eyes darted between them, a frown growing on his face. He always felt like they kept things from him, excluding him like the new kid on the playground.

“Do you want some coffee, Otouto?” Touka swung her legs as she held out the coffee pot in her hand.

Ayato shook his head and nestled into the crook of his father’s neck.

He knew that soon his father would leave, and maybe it was his child heart and hopeful thinking, but he thought that maybe if he held on tight enough his father his father wouldn’t slip from in between his grasp. The thought was cast aside by the familiar feeling of being peeled off and set down. He threw his arms up instinctively to reach for his dad, but a pale hand slapped his arms harshly and a scowl left his sister’s mouth.

“Touka…” Their father warned. Touka pouted as Ayato rubbed at the red blotches on his arms.

Ayato’s father shuffled them into their room and shut the door with a smile spread on his face.

Touka tugged his arm to move him into their bed but he stood grounded to the floor and eventually his sister gave up and was lulled into a slumber.

Ayato stared at the door wondering when it would open.

“Why do you always leave…why do they leave me?”

A malicious laughter filtered through the air causing Ayato to look up in fear.

The room was dark—darker than before and he no longer was looking at the familiar door.

“Touka…” Ayato cried for his sister, but he was alone. At least, that’s what he hoped.

_“Shut up and listen.”_

The voice resonated loudly; catching Ayato off balance and making him fall back.

Fear clawed up his throat, clogging it making it impossible for him to speak. Ayato stumbled backwards on his hands and knees, tears streaming down his face.

“Otou…Otou-sa…Otou-san!” Ayato choked on his sobs as he backed up against a wall.

 _“Shut up and listen when I’m talking!”_ A hand clenched around his throat blocking his cries from coming out.

White hair danced in the wind. White eyes rolled into the back of a head.

“Plea-se…don’t hurt-t me.”

A smile diminished. It was replaced with a scowl.

 _“Fine. I’m done talking then.”_ The pressure on his throat resided and Ayato gasped for air.

He fell on his knees and rested his forehead on the cold ground.

Tears welled in his eyes as he heard the familiar sound of fingers cracking. “Please, don’t…”

A long pointed mask covered his face, splitting his grin in two. He pressed his head against Ayato’s, his hair tickling his forehead.

_“Don’t what?”_

Ayato clenched his eyes. “Please don’t kill me.”

Silence echoed eerily off the walls of his mind. There was a cool hand placed on his cheek coaxing him into opening his eyes.

_Kaneki._

Ayato leaned into the touch, relaxing in the familiar sensation.

_“Don’t worry…”_

Ayato hummed in agreement, closing his eyes, his body giving into the intimate caresses.

_“I’ll only half kill you.”_

Ayato’s eyes shot open, cold air brushing against his cheek.

_“What do you think the definition of ‘Half Kill’ is? It’s being ‘Half’ ‘Killed’. So I think one has to half-preform an act that would kill…”_

Tears spilled into a pool of blood.

_“If we consider destroying the whole body as ‘one full death’ then if we separate the upper body and lower body; the damage to both sides is too different. You can still live without the bottom half of your body, but if the upper half is crushed then you’ll die.”_

The centipede crept over the rabbit.

_“‘In that case, how about the organs?’—is what I thought. But this way I have to think about the value of each organ as well. In the first place, sorting the organs is difficult. Let’s take the brain for example, would the whole thing be counted as one organ? Or should I subdivide it up into the cerebrum, cerebellum, and hippocampus…?”_

Kaneki loomed over Ayato.

_“So, I decided on the bones.”_

_“There are 206 bones in a person’s body. I don’t know whether humans and ghouls have the same structure or not, but if they are all broken that person will surely die. The bones are symmetrical on the left and right side so splitting them in ‘half’ is easy.”_

Bile or blood—Ayato wasn’t sure any longer nor could he register Kaneki’s lecturing about the bones he was currently breaking—trickled out of the corners of his lips.

_5 bones._

“Fucker! You fucker— you MOTHERFUCKER!”

Saliva ran down his chin, a streaming course of despair.

_62._

Tears burned inside his eyes, a calm sea with no horizon.

_74._

_Please stop. P-please don’t…Otou-san._

_Touka…please. I’m sorry._

Ayato’s heart constricted with pain as he gritted his teeth from listening to the sound of bones cracking, breaking, grinding.

_“Does it hurt, Ayato-kun?”_

_“Does it?”_

_Kaneki._

_“Ayato?”_

\--

“Ayato?”

Air filtered through his lungs causing him to gasp and splutter as if his body was rejecting the very thing it needed.

It was cold.

Everything in his body was cold.

He reached up grasping for anything to anchor him in this dysphoria. He latched on to something—someone. The material under his fingers was silky and smooth like silicone; disturbingly familiar.

Then there was the smell. A putrid, horrid smell of rotting flesh and dried up, caked blood drenching the oxygen in the air.

His breath rattled in his chest. “Otou-san…”

“Ayato?”

Ayato fluttered his eyes open.

_White hair danced in the wind. White eyes rolled into the back of a head._

His rattled breath stopped completely, his pulse quickening.

“Ayato? Are you okay?” A pale hand reached forward.

_A hand clenched around his throat blocking his cries from coming out._

Ayato shot back in fear, his body shaking like a house in a hurricane, his fingers curling around the blankets beneath him.

Everything in his body was on fire. His core consumed in flames, torn to shreds, attempting to sew itself back together. Each movement stretched the wound further; blood oozing out from the sides.

“No…no please. Please don’t hurt me—please don’t kill me.” His voice filled with raw emotion was unrecognizable to his own ears.

His stomach plummeted as unwelcomed memories flooded his mind.

_The concrete was cold and damp with rain and pools of dark crimson. Ayato’s hand twitched. What if he came back? What would he do? He couldn’t do anything. Couldn’t move, could barely breathe. All Ayato could do was wait for Kaneki to come back and hopefully deliver a quick, swift death._

The bed creaked under someone’s weight but Ayato couldn’t hear it over the overwhelming sound of his sobs. 

A cold hand rested on his cheek, ending his sobs. His body tensed under the hand; waiting. But nothing happened. The hand didn’t move, not even slightly.

Ayato looked up.

_Kaneki._

He felt his lip quivering but no words came out. He was so racked with terror and panic and every muscle in his body screamed for him to move—to run away, yet he didn’t. He wanted to kick and scream and _kill_ Kaneki but something inside of him told him not to.

“Ayato… I’m so sorry.” Kaneki’s voice swam with emotion and his hand moved to the back of Ayato’s neck. He slowly coaxed the boy to shift forward until he was pressed against the half-ghoul’s chest.

“I’m so sorry.” Kaneki whispered into his hair, causing chills to run down Ayato’s back. Ayato wrapped his arms around Kaneki, finally finding his anchor; scared, that he too would leave. His breathing started to regulate and as it did something climbed out from the depths attempting to drag him into unconsciousness.

His body went limp in Kaneki’s arms. Kaneki pushed him away and held his face, his grey eyes searching frantically for a solution.

Ayato shut his eyes.

His body felt cold, everything felt cold.

There was something warm pressed to his lips, something pulsing and succulent. He opened his lips further but he couldn’t find the strength to bite down.

“Please, Ayato…please. I can’t lose you too.” And then he knew—he knew. Now he _understood_ what he had been feeling all this time: dependency. His dependency on Kaneki and Kaneki’s dependency on him. Kaneki would do anything, even offer his own body, so long as he wasn’t alone. Ayato had done everything to keep his father at his side, so long as he didn’t leave. It was reliance so nauseatingly grand it created a tangible bond between them, one that strung to the plucks of their hearts.

He secured his jaw around the flesh of Kaneki’s shoulder, and although it pained his numb body to do so, he bit down.

The euphoria was atomic. It surged energy through him, jolting him alive. The blood sweet and sickly tainted his lips as he chewed and swallowed the meat.

A moan erupts through the air and Ayato couldn’t possibly fathom how such a sound could escape him. He laps at the wound and Kaneki’s arms tighten around him.

“C-Can I…?” Ayato feels Kaneki nod against him. He sinks his teeth back into the gaping wound this time with more ferocity and it makes Kaneki grunt in pain.

The pain in his abdomen started to dissolve with each drop of blood that Ayato consumes. He tilts his head back thinking that if he continued he wouldn’t be able to stop.

Kaneki’s hands are on his face again, forcing Ayato to look at him. His right eye was red having turned through the process of being eaten. The grey one held so much pain and distraught and something told Ayato that it had nothing to do with Ayato taking a chunk out of him.

His pulse still hammered in his ears and Ayato had to stop himself from leaping out of Kaneki’s arms from the fear that still quenched his heart. He looked down at the white-haired man and wondered how it was that he could be so deadly afraid of someone yet yearn for them to be at your side.

He smiled at Kaneki knowing it was the only thing to ease the guilt that was obviously consuming the half-ghoul whole.

Kaneki smiled back.

The palpable bond humming to a joyous tune.

\--

The wind feathered its fingers through Ayato’s dark locks, as he watched over the illuminous city of Ikebukuro. Kaneki slid down to sit next to him. They sat in comfortable silence. Well, as comfortable as Ayato could get around the man who had tortured him.

Yes, the repressed memories surfaced and no, Ayato was not as invincible as he had once thought. At the time he had brushed off the encounter, too overrun by his anger to fully accept what had happened. Thanks to that deranged ghoul and her counter attacks, Ayato had been rendered unconscious and left to deal with his memories.

Now he had come to terms with the fact that Kaneki was much more of a monster than anything Ayato had ever come up against—one that could easily overpower him and end his meek, miserable life.

Yet, he felt…tranquil when he was near the half-ghoul. An irrational ease would settle over him and it completely contradicted his past experiences and what he _should_ be feeling. He should be terrified of Kaneki, much like he was when he had initially woken up, or at the very least be infuriated and disgusted by him like he was before, but he simply wasn’t.

If anything he craved Kaneki’s companionship—something he thought he’d never feel after his father and Touka.

It was almost like they held a compatibility that Ayato had never felt with anyone before. There was a type of calamity that swam inside of him at the thought of being without him. He had grown so accustomed to him over the weeks, more so than his own sister, that he wasn’t sure what he would do if they were separated.

Not that he’d ever voice this to Kaneki though.

He glanced over at the man to notice he had been staring at him intently. Ayato spluttered angrily his cheeks growing redder with every passing second; he’d never get used to this. “W-What?!” He snapped.

Kaneki blinked slowly as if he’d too been lost in his own world. “Have you ever gone outside of Japan?”

Ayato pouted as he thought. “No.”

Kaneki hummed and looked back out to the city lights.  After a moment of silence he said, “I haven’t either, but I’ve always wanted to. My mother was poor and after she died so was I, so traveling was never an option, so I always opted to read books instead—almost as a different form of traveling,” he smiled at Ayato wryly, “to alternate more interesting universes.”

Ayato quirked his eyebrow, “What is this life not amusing enough to human Kaneki?”

Kaneki pressed his lips into a tight line, “Yes, I did love horror stories.”

Ayato let out an earthly howl at that coughing slightly from lack of laughter. Kaneki smiled, prideful to have caused such a reaction, his eyes gleaming ever so slightly.

“Would you want to?”

“Huh?” Ayato said intelligently.

“See the world?” Kaneki’s voice had gathered a serious tone to it.

“What and runaway from Aogiri and the CCG?” Ayato asked jokingly, amused from the proposal.

“Why shouldn’t we?”

Ayato looked at Kaneki squarely and saw that he had been completely serious.

“You’re crazy,” Ayato teased eliciting a warm smile to erupt on Kaneki’s face.

\--

“I’m hungry,” Ayato complained in a whiny voice.

Kaneki threw him an amused look. “Where would you like to dine, my lord?” He asked mockingly.

Ayato glared at him. “I don’t feel like killing right now…we should get more of that terrible concoction you like so much.”

Kaneki looked surprised; Ayato wasn’t sure if it was because he didn’t want to kill or if it was that he had asked for a beverage he swore he despised.

“You mean coffee?”

“Yes, that.”

“Well, it’s far too late for any coffee shops to be open.”

“But there is one place we could go,” he added when he saw the disappointed look on the teenager’s face.

Ayato brightened immediately. The light immediately diminished when he realized where they were headed.

“McDonalds seriously?”

Kaneki grinned. “You wanted coffee.”

An offended expression spread on Ayato’s face. “Isn’t that place disgusting, even by human standards?”

Kaneki rolled his eyes as he ordered two black coffees from the tired-looking cashier.

Ayato looked down at his cup untrustingly as they walked out of the empty fast-food place. He was about to take a sip when a group of rowdy teenagers passed by them and entered a building.

He frowned. “Where are they going?”

Kaneki glanced at what Ayato was talking about. “It’s a movie theater. Never been to one?”

Ayato shook his head. “I’ve heard of it.”

A mischievous smile played at Kaneki’s features. “Do you want to?”

And that was how Ayato was dragged into a theater filled with laughing humans. He waited for Kaneki to buy the tickets, wondering all the while when he had acquired money. There was so much about the half-ghoul that he had yet to unlock.

Kaneki handed the tickets to a man behind a small podium, “Theater 14 on your left.”

Ayato was heading towards the theater when he was tugged back. He looked at Kaneki with a slightly annoyed and confused glare.

“We have to buy food,” was his answer.

“Why?”

Kaneki practically rolled his eyes and leaned in to whisper in Ayato’s ear, “To blend in.”

 

The movie was entertaining by Ayato’s standard and the theater was empty save for them; he had a hunch that Kaneki had chosen the movie for this very purpose.

Ayato let out a giggly chortle when one of the characters was killed.  Kaneki stared at the boy fondly, completely enthralled. Ayato narrowed his eyes when he noticed and grabbed Kaneki’s chin, forcing his head to look forward. “Movie is that way, weirdo.”

\--

“Oh my god, that was terrible!” Ayato laughed loudly, “The way that they screamed—oh, and how the blood was _totally_ fake; how does that even pass for blood, honestly, you humans are weird,” Ayato jumped slightly in step, “but the best part was definitely how that one chick would go, ‘Hello? Is anybody there’,” Ayato mimicked the character. “So stupid; what she think would happen? That the ghost would come out and ask for a cup of tea and chat with her a bit?” He grinned back at Kaneki after he noticed he had been babbling.

Kaneki was smiling at him endearingly. “So I take you enjoyed it?”

Ayato did his best to suppress his smile. “Not particularly.” Kaneki huffed in annoyance.

Ayato frowned once his stomach started to churn painfully; apparently coffee was not a replacement. “I’m hungry,” he whined for the second time that night.

He got a malicious look in his eyes. “Let’s go hunt.”

Kaneki scoffed. “I thought you didn’t want to kill.”

“I didn’t before but hunger is hunger and food is food,” he rolled his head towards Kaneki, “unless you’re offering.” Ayato’s eyes burned through Kaneki, hunger spewing red in his irises.

Kaneki smirked. “Depends on what you’re asking for, Ayato-kun,” he crowed.

Ayato blinked, cocking his head to the side in thought. His face grew hot once he realized what Kaneki was implying.

“Fucking crack-head.” Ayato marched forward in search of a victim.

He caught the faint whiff of sweat, the fear of a human clear as night and day, tainting the night air.

“Oh, Kaneki,” Ayato sang comically.

Seeing that his eyes had already peeled back into dark voids with crimson irises, Kaneki had already caught the same trail.

They stalked forward together following the saccharine smell, letting it guide them to their meal. Ayato had been surprised with Kaneki’s complacency when it came to killing; he had always thought Kaneki was too good, too human to enjoy killing. He guessed wrong. Ayato couldn’t care less as long as he stopped cannibalizing.

The thought of Kaneki turning into a Kakuja—going completely insane and losing every part of him that made him _Kaneki_ made Ayato’s heart plummet. The fear that accompanied it wasn’t helping either; knowing that if Kaneki turned into a Kakuja around Ayato it meant that Ayato would certainly be his first victim.

His thoughts were disregarded when they found the source of the smell. It was at the back of a dark parking lot where there was a man pinning a woman against a chain-link fence.

The girl struggled in his grip, whimpering as he twisted her wrist harshly. “Quit moving, whore.”

Ayato observed the two, disgust clear in his eyes. By what the woman was wearing it was obvious she was walking the streets as a prostitute.

Kaneki glanced at him and pulled the lower eyelid of his eye down, motioning for Ayato to subdue his true eye color. Ayato complied and stalked forward with the half-ghoul.

“Is this man bothering you?” Kaneki asked casually. The woman looked up, fear apparent in her eyes, silently pleading for them to help.

“Fuck off, boys.” The man roughly pulled the girl into his side in a possessive manner.

“I believe he wasn’t speaking to you, fuck face.” Ayato spat on the ground and pulled out a switchblade from his pocket; it was useful in situations like this, where he had to act human.

The silver glistened in the dark, reflecting the fear that grew on the man’s face.

And they began their game.

The vile excuse of a man let go of the woman momentarily and was about to step towards Ayato when Kaneki restrained him from behind. In a flash of the eye he was turned around and pushed into Ayato’s waiting arms; he pressed the blade firmly against the man’s artery. “Make one more move and your dead,” Ayato threatened.

Kaneki took this time to turn around to the shaking girl, “Leave now.”

She stared at him with wide eyes then looked back at the man and Ayato. “Thank you,” she nodded and ran away.

When the sounds of her heels receded Ayato let go of the pervert and pushed him roughly away acting as if merely touching him repulsed Ayato. 

The man growled, “What the hell do you two think you’re doing?”

Ayato leered and pocketed his knife.

“What do you two think you are? Some heroes or something because you stopped that slut from getting what she asked for?”

The two ghouls started to circle him. Their playfield stretching before their eyes, their plan of attack apparent to each other.

“We are far from heroes.” Kaneki replied sourly.

“Honestly, you should educate yourself…” Ayato chided.

“—watch the news,” Kaneki continued Ayato’s sentence.

“—read some books,” Ayato added condescendingly.

The man scrunched his face in confusion and started to stumble slightly when he realized that he was being surrounded, cornered like prey.

“I thought humans weren’t oblivious to us, Kaneki?” Ayato asked his partner mockingly.

Kaneki hummed, “I guess not.”

Ayato chuckled lightly. “Well, you were at least. You went out on a date with one.”

Ayato received a painful glare.

“W-What are you freaks going on about?!” The man stuttered in panic, bringing their attention back to the game.

The ghouls stilled as their eyes changed and their backs contorted in a numb pain—kagunes flicking out like reptile tongues.

The man fell on his ass, a wonderful scream clawing out of his throat. Ayato kneeled next to him, drinking in the man's terror.

“What’s wrong? Not so fun when the fear is reversed?” Kaneki sneered.

“P-Please I’ll do any-thing!”

“What makes you think you could do anything for us that we can’t already get for ourselves?” Ayato cocked his head to the side, feigning confusion, “You humans are so stupid.”

Kaneki bit down into the man’s neck eliciting a gut-wrenching shrill. There was a struggle, a kick of the leg, a flailing of the arms, before the human grew limp in the half-ghoul’s arms.

It was quite an alluring sight—witnessing the sheer power and bloodlust that Kaneki possessed.

Ayato pouted. “That’s not fair you got to have all the fun.”

Kaneki lifted his head to swallow and looked back at Ayato through his lowered eyelashes. He licked at the blood that coated his lips.

“Want a taste?”

Ayato’s eyes widened with arousal, his stomach tightening at the prospect.  He sunk to his knees and tore into the corpse, content with how the meat slid down his throat. He secured his fingers around the body, stilling it as the two ghouls ripped into it.

A warm appendage slithered around his wrist, coiling around it. Ayato looked up in his hungered haze to stare at the owner of the tentacle that held him.

Kaneki locked eyes with him, daring Ayato to look away, but Ayato never took challenges lightly.

Something flashed in Kaneki’s eyes—a type of hunger completely disassociated with eating or the meat that lay before them.

Kaneki surged forward grapping Ayato by his coat and crashing their lips together. Their teeth clanked awkwardly from the sheer impact and from their hungry mouths continuing to swallow each other whole.

Ayato crawled backward bringing them away from the corpse until his body was pressed against the chain-link fence; not once did their lips leave each other.

Ayato gripped at Kaneki’s body, his hands scratching along it, his body ravenous and searching. Kaneki threaded his hands in Ayato’s hair pulling harshly, making his scalp burn pleasingly.

Kaneki pulled back slightly to take a deep breath before bringing Ayato into another kiss. This one was slower, less impatient and starved; it was too saccharine, sickening so.

Ayato bit down hard at Kaneki’s lip, moaning slightly into the kiss as blood pooled into his mouth. Kaneki took this moment to attack the pale porcelain of Ayato’s neck, biting and kissing and lapping at it.

Ayato tugged at his snow white hair, bringing him back to his neglected lips.

This need—desire for each other had more depth and sincerity than words could describe; it was like they were the air that their lungs ached so urgently for, consuming and taking, desperately searching for that oxygen that only the other provided.

\--

Ayato avoided Kaneki for the next few days like he was the damn plague. Which proved to be fairly difficult considering he was the only person around, and there was nowhere to go. Not that they were going anywhere in particular in the first place. Kaneki’s proposal still in play.

Ayato grunted angrily as he shifted in his bed.

Kaneki had acquired a small cot in the middle nowhere that supplied the necessities. He wasn’t sure how he’d done it but it wasn’t like he could ask him how either—doing that would totally oppose his act of ignorance.

He was in denial. Complete and utter denial of what had corresponded between them that night.

For all he cared Kaneki didn’t even exist. Not at all. He was nobody, no one. Certainly not someone that made Ayato’s chest clench painfully whenever he was thought of or pulse race whenever he was seen.

Then there was the issue of having the _feeling_ come back. The one that hallowed a pit in his stomach, festering, ever so slightly, growing in diameter with each passing second that they were apart. It made him inconsolable as if there was a part of his very being missing—as if the bond that had stretched between them was stretched too far out, falling apart at the seams. Ayato wanted nothing more than to reach out to this palpable bond and patch it back together, make it whole again—make them whole.

But he couldn’t.

He couldn’t bring himself to face Kaneki or how he felt about him.

 _God, I sound like such a sap._ Since when had Ayato cared this much about someone; when did he become so weak?

“Ayato.”

He had been so entranced by his own thoughts he hadn’t heard Kaneki come in.

He turned his back to Kaneki in a childish manner and faced the wall.

“You can’t ignore me forever.”

_Oh yes I can._

“Although, you’ve been doing a great job so far.” Kaneki’s voice sounded tight and irked; obviously ticked off by Ayato’s childish tendencies.

He clutched the blanket in a white-knuckled grip, attempting to contain his anger.

“Ayato.” His voice held warning—one Ayato would not heed.

“You can’t just lock me out,” Kaneki’s voice wavered; he had never heard him so vulnerable. Before Ayato would have found this amusing but nonetheless irritating—at the time everything about Kaneki seemed irritating. But now that vulnerability made his core feel numb, knowing that he had been the cause: the one who put that vulnerability there, the one who provoked anger from such a calm figure.

He felt like he was at a crossroad. On one hand he found it quite satisfactory that he and he alone, could do this to Kaneki Ken, Eyepatch, the Centipede, the One Eyed ghoul. However, this was a double-edged blade. Yes, he could elicit raw emotion from the half-ghoul, but kaneki could do the same to him. After all, he was the one who left him in this state of being.

And all because of an exchanging of saliva.

A few months ago, Ayato would have been appalled.

“God, you’re such a child! You can’t run away from everything Ayato. Nobody can, not even you.”

Ayato narrowed his eyes at the wall in aggravation. Touka used to always call him a child with her annoying condescending voice.

“Ayato,” it was a faint whisper, “why are you so afraid of letting people in?”

His eyes widened, his patience splintering into a thousand pieces.

“Why won’t you let me in?”

Ayato shot out of the confinements of his bed and a mere second was so close to Kaneki he could feel his breath dance on his face.

He gritted his teeth, his fists clenched so tightly his nails dug angry red crescent marks into his palms. “Let you in? You? Of all people why would I let you in?!”

Kaneki’s eyes widened but he held his ground.

“Why would I let the person who tortured me and broke 103 bones in my fucking body without even flinching, enjoying it the entire time, into my heart? Why? So you can break that too?!” Ayato foamed white at the mouth, his sapphire eyes burning with rage.

A broken look registered on Kaneki’s face, his pain evident.

“You know what? Fuck you Kaneki! I hate you so fucking much—I always have and I always will. I should have killed you when I had the chance.” Ayato spat.

His anger slowly diffused once he realized what he had said. He bit back his tongue to prevent himself from saying more, damning himself for letting his emotions boil over.

Kaneki held a somber smile. “You probably should have.” He walked away to take a seat on his bed, his eyes casted down to floor.

Ayato cursed himself. That wasn’t what he wanted at all; he wasn’t sure why he had even said it. But he couldn’t do anything to reverse what was already done.

He walked slowly to Kaneki and sat next to him feeling defeated.

“I’m sorr—

“I know.” Ayato looked down at his feet.

There was a deafening silence; it wasn’t comfortable like the others they had shared it was painful and agonizing and full of empty words and vacant promises. A silence that left him feeling quite uprooted from the earth’s surface.

“I didn’t mean it,” Ayato fell back onto the bed and scoffed. “I can barely handle avoiding you for a couple of days without going insane. I don’t think I could last an eternity.”

He could feel the radiance from Kaneki’s smile from where he lay. “Nor could I without you.”

Ayato tugged at Kaneki’s sleeve and pulled him down on the bed. He turned to look at him closely. His dark eyes, rings of silver that shone so bright they made diamonds look like loose change, the black that nearly swallowed them whole, were rimmed by light white eyelashes that fluttered ever so slightly.

He reached to connect his hand to the back of Kaneki’s neck; such a vulnerable place, yet Ayato felt no need to act upon it. Instead he pulled Kaneki to him, until their breaths skirted upon each other’s lips.

Kaneki was the one to close the distance, plunging him into a warm, saccharine kiss that had his head spinning and his heart thumping.

When Kaneki pulled back he had small crystals in the corners of his eyes and Ayato stilled in his ministrations. “What?”

“Nothing, I’m just content to be with you again.”

Ayato’s heart stopped, swamped with fear, knowing that his idolization and yearning for someone was returned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dont think anyone not even Ayato can come out from Kaneki's torture completely unscathed. No matter how much of a tough boy Ayato thinks he is.  
> Hope you don't think this is too OOC I just think Ayato is a confused teenager  
> (￣^￣)ゞ


	3. Chaste

He was woken the next morning by a splitting headache and a smack of yellow light. It came into the studio apartment in floods, yanking him into consciousness like a slap to the face. Ayato groaned lightly and shut his eyes trying to block out the invasion with his mind’s darkness. Something warm and strong tightened around his waist and it took the crack of an open eye for Ayato to understand that the possessive sensation he felt on his sides was most likely an arm and that lucky appendage was probably attached to the sleep-taken half-ghoul next to him.

Bile rose in his throat.

The panicked part of him wanted to break Kaneki’s arm and flee, but that was something he had done before and it had only gotten him so far. The other side of him wanted to melt into the other man’s touch and for the first time in his life follow his second nature and not his gut’s intuition.

Kaneki made a rumbled sound from deep within his diaphragm and pulled Ayato flush against his chest. Ayato immediately gave into the hold; it seemed Kaneki had made the decision for him and Ayato didn’t find the drive in him to continue fueling his pointless internal battles.

He would let himself have this, if it was only for this once.

Ayato’s eyes traced the smooth, jutting lines that connected Kaneki’s jaw to his ear, his temple. The crook of his nose, its peak, down his cupid’s bow, the even plains of his pouting lower lip. Ayato engraved the contours of his face and the way the yellow light seamlessly haloed his translucent hair into his memory, so that he may never forget such perfection.

Kaneki let out a huff of air that ghosted over Ayato’s cheeks and nose before he lazily opened his eyes. Ayato felt a sudden thrill run through him; it wanted him to look away, avert his eyes elsewhere, but like much in life Ayato defied it and kept his gaze strongly locked with Kaneki’s.

Kaneki’s eyes fluttered ever so slightly as he blinked the sleep out of them. “Hello,” he whispered.

“Hello,” Ayato whispered back, untrusting of what else he might say.

Kaneki thumbed the small of his back in the space where his shirt had ridden up during the night. Something within him riled Ayato into reaching out and feathering his index finger over the mountains and drowned out seas of Kaneki’s face that he had committed to memory. He had trailed his finger over his bottom lip when Kaneki’s mouth opened.

“I think I like it when you’re docile, Ayato-kun,” Ayato didn’t need to hear his teasing tone to know he was messing with him—just the slight upturn of those lips.

Ayato flicked his gaze up to Kaneki, narrowing his eyes slightly in an insolent manner before he let his hand slip to the back of Kaneki’s neck, bringing him forward until their lips collided with a crashing impact. Ayato drank him in quickly letting Kaneki’s taste simmer on his tongue. It took Ayato slightly aback how soft Kaneki’s lips were, something he hadn’t remembered them being before; it was like he was teething at the opening of a flower. Yet there was nothing lenient in the kiss, nothing forgiving, nor chaste. It was one of desperation—of need, one that had them clasping at the backs of each other’s necks, heads, pulling locks of tangled hair with such intensity it left a scalding burn to their scalps.

Their foreheads bumped together painfully causing Ayato’s mouth to titter back; Kaneki eagerly followed them, their lips meeting together in a ferocity that had Kaneki rolling on top of Ayato, pinning the younger one underneath him with his weight.

His mouth was hot; it was as if someone had lit a fire in their stomachs that had leapt up their torsos and into their chests, curling from their lips like tongues of flames. Everything with him seemed to be that way; to reflect on the element of fire with her intensity and devastation.

As they kissed they pushed against each other, their palms and fingers battering the flesh beneath them as they both tried to assert dominance. Some touches were fleeting and others would surely leave bruises that contrasted roughly with their pale skin. At one point Kaneki actually shoved Ayato away, breaking their contact, and a sharp flicker of horror flooded through Ayato before he realized Kaneki was just adjusting their position so that he straddled the younger boys boney hips.

Kaneki dived down again to meet Ayato’s lip but stopped short to look into his eyes. “I may like how compliancy looks on you but I much rather prefer when you are like this,” he took the time to press his lips to the shell of Ayato’s ear before he breathed out, “I like it when you are yourself.”

And before Ayato had any time to think up a reply, Kaneki was assaulting his neck with sweet kisses, his teeth grazing the soft skin beneath.  Ayato let a stifled groan escape him as Kaneki’s lingering touches trailed up his bare waist under the sheath of his shirt. Kaneki pressed another fevered kiss to the underline of Ayato’s jaw, his hands working diligently to undress him. He pushed the lapel of Ayato’s shirt over his head, his hand resting at the smooth junction of his collar bone.

Ayato grasped hungrily at Kaneki’s clothing as well—slightly pissed off that his skin was the only one to be kissed by the cold air. He watched breathlessly as each fold of material fell off of Kaneki, leaving him stark naked with his pale skin glistening in the sunlight.

Kaneki hurriedly pulled Ayato’s jeans off and pressed his lips against his chest; it opened slightly when their hips grinded together and their girths slid against each other.

Ayato started to let out a chain of despaired moans, his pants heavy and thick in between. Silvered hair slipped from behind Kaneki’s ear when he bent down to capture Ayato’s lips and momentarily silencing him.

A hand snaked between his legs pressing lightly against his stifling, hot erection before it slipped down between his thighs. There it massaged rough circles on his inner thigh, slowly trickling upwards. It pressed against his entrance, wet and warm.

Ayato shrugged back from the touch, “When the h-hell did you have time to get lube?”

Kaneki let out a low breath that passed for a chuckle. “I don’t think I am as dazed as you might be Aya.”

Ayato snorted at the nickname but it was quickly cut off as something was pressed into him, working its way into his heat. He let out a strangled breath as it was pushed in and out of him and Kaneki began to press small, chaste kisses on the side of his face. Soon a second finger joined the first and Ayato whined at the feeling of being stretched with a searing, hot touch.

Eventually the dull pain resided and was replaced with a much more pleasurable one as Kaneki began to thrust the fingers into him roughly. The friction burned inside of him but Ayato found that the pain was rather pleasing in a way he had never experienced before. His back arched impossibly high off the bed, his mouth gaping at a silent groan as an unexpected third finger was jabbed inside of him making his insides twitch in discomfort and pain.

Ayato grunted loudly, his eyes clenched together as he let his head fall back onto his pillow; his body attempting to adapt to the intrusion and pace Kaneki had set.

The teenage ghoul slid his hand down his waist to grab his erection in hope of gaining some sort of release when it was swatted away by Kaneki. The fingers slipped out of him and Kaneki gripped his hips firmly, throwing him so that he was twisted onto his stomach with his ass high in the air.

Ayato pushed his face off the mattress and propped himself onto his elbows; he huffed in annoyance at Kaneki’s harsh actions.

A comforting hand skated up his back and rested at his shoulder. Kaneki’s body pressed against his back, his hair tickling the shell of Ayato’s ear.

“You ready?”

Ayato groaned dramatically. “Get on with it shithead.”

Kaneki laughed against his skin; his breath feathered Ayato’s shoulder blades.

With one last skim of his hand against the blue-haired boy’s skin, Kaneki buried himself in Ayato.

Ayato let out a pained howl as the burning sensation coursed up his back and made his toes and fingers curl reflexively. 

Kaneki growled lowly and tightened his grip on Ayato’s shoulder as he started thrusting slowly and shallowly, letting Ayato get use to the feeling in as short a time period as possible.

Eventually Ayato started to rock his hips backward in sync with Kaneki’s rapid thrusts, moaning blissfully with each hit. Kaneki thumbs playfully at the corner of his lips but Ayato can barely recognize the touch as his body is shocked with a wave of insane pleasure.

“Ah-hnn! Oh God Kaneki there…there,” Ayato mumbles and half shouts, his eyes prickling with tears.

Kaneki shoves two fingers in Ayato’s puckered mouth, surprising him yet Ayato couldn’t help but find it arousing. He starts to suck on Kaneki’s fingers as his other hand steadies Ayato’s canting hips, guiding them down lower onto Kaneki’s cock. Ayato moans around his fingers and when Kaneki hits that spot again that makes his vision blur, Ayato bites down hard on Kaneki.

A metallic taste fills his mouth and he starts to suck on the wounds enjoying the pleasured sounds the pain had elicited from the half-ghoul. He starts to paw at his erection trying desperately to relieve himself.

A distinct sharp thrust straight against his prostate sends Ayato into climax, his body collapsing immediately from exhaust. Kaneki grunts as Ayato tightens around him and soon comes inside of him.

Spent and tired, Kaneki rolls off of Ayato and to his side. And suddenly Ayato feels too empty and he sure as hell wasn’t going to give this up so quick after just discovering it.

With weak arms he pushes himself upright and straddles his lover.

Kaneki blinks his eyes open and stares at Ayato, confusion tainting his features, “Ayato…”

Ayato puts his hand on Kaneki’s chest and presses him back down against the bed, “I’m not done with you.”

Kaneki looks like he’s about to complain but they fall short on his tongue once Ayato starts to pump his sensitive cock into hardness. There are tears collecting at the sides of Kaneki’s eyes from over stimulation and Ayato bends down to lick at them as he impales himself on Kaneki’s girth.

Their chorused moans fill the air as Ayato’s rises and slides down again and again and again. This time they were slower, moving languidly, almost dreamlike with their minds sent into a euphoric heaven.

With hands splayed on Kaneki’s sweat-pooled chest Ayato pushes himself up with weakening arms and thrusts himself down harshly on Kaneki’s cock, letting it fill him deeper than before. He cries out in ecstasy as Kaneki hits that spot that he’d been craving for oh so desperately. He sets an erratic pace and falls onto Kaneki’s chest in exhaust.

Kaneki wraps his arms around the boy’s slim frame and thrusts his hips upward, receiving loud lewd sobs. Ayato’s body is racked with rapture as he spills onto Kaneki’s chest. Kaneki hisses as he releases inside Ayato, his arms still wrapped firmly around him. Slowly he pulls out of the boy but does not let him go, cradling him to his chest instead.

With a wicked grin Ayato pushes himself up to look Kaneki in the eye. “I think I’m starting to like your company Kaneki Ken.”

Kaneki lolls his head back and smiles widely. “Really now?”

Ayato nods lazily into Kaneki’s chest.

After that they are silent, basking in the warmth the other offers.  Kaneki draws slow circles on Ayato’s upper arm, clearly lost in his own whirlwind of thoughts. There are times when Ayato wishes to hear those thoughts, to better understand the half-ghoul; other times he is scared of what may be stored up there, interlocked with Kaneki’s memories and dreams.

“Ayato,” his voice cuts through the air like a thin knife.

“Hmm?”

“Do you want to return?”

He knew what Kaneki spoke of—something they had already mulled over. Ayato’s reply at the time was to call him crazy and shrug it off.

“Isn’t that what we’re doing,” Ayato said between his yawns.

He could feel the gears turning in Kaneki’s head, his breath was always held tightly when he was in thought.

“If we wanted to find them we would have long ago. I have been guiding us in circles, staying on the outer cities of Tokyo, straying off the path that would lead us to rejoin Aogiri.”

Ayato held his tongue, hesitant, wondering where Kaneki was going with this.

“It’s been more than a month. You’re smart Aya—you should’ve figured this much out by now,” Kaneki paused, “You already did, didn’t you?”

Ayato’s eye twitched, something it always did since he was little. “Yes,” he said slowly.

“Then you must not want to go back.”

He was right—no matter how much it pained him to admit it, Kaneki was right. Ayato had never had any intention of rejoining Aogiri; hell if it wasn’t for Kaneki he would’ve found another reason to weasel his way out of the place. Kaneki had just been a liable excuse, a distraction Ayato had grown accustomed to.

There was no point in lying; Kaneki would see right through it.

“No, I guess not.”

The muscles in Kaneki’s body loosened beneath him and with that he knew he had answered correctly.

“They won’t be happy,” Kaneki spoke pragmatically.

“They’ll be pissed.”

“Which only leaves us with the choice of—

“—Running away,” Ayato finished for him. He shifted to look up at Kaneki. He was watching him with curious eyes and a small smile played at his lips.

“It’s very Romeo-and-Juliet-esque,” he answered lightheartedly.

Ayato snorted and grinned. “Romeo and Romeo: the second installment.”

Kaneki let out an infectious laugh that poured a sickly warmth through Ayato.

He frowned slightly but turned his down so Kaneki couldn’t see it. With cautious movements he linked his hand with Kaneki, feeling the joy in the simplicity of holding somebody. He squeezed his hand and Kaneki squeezed his back.

Perhaps he was being too affectionate to Kaneki. Perhaps he didn’t care anymore.

\--

The pavement blurred below him, the thumps of the soles of his feet connecting with the ground was kept in tune with his heightened pulse.  He grinned, a wide-toothed smile, his eyes wide, his hair whipping at his face as the wind fingered through it. He turned a corner, his hand gripping the side of a building to stop his body’s momentum. He pressed his back against the firm brick wall and let out a silent chuckle.

A car pulled up quickly in front of him and the side door was thrown open. Ayato jumped in and before he could slam the door shut, the car had already lurched forward.

He let his head fall back, his grin still plastered to his face and turned to look at the driver.

Kaneki’s white hair sheltered his eyes but by the frown on his lips and the lines of his face Ayato could tell he was worried.

Ayato slapped his shoulder. “Lighten up, shithead.”

“We just stole a car,” Kaneki whispered, speaking the words as if he couldn’t believe them.

“Hell yes we did!” Ayato shouted his exclaim followed by laughter.

“Oh my god,” Kaneki groaned beside him.

“Relax, we’ll be fine. There’s no way that sick fool saw past me; he won’t know it was us.”

Thinking back on the scheme they had executed it had seemed far too easy to trick the owner of the car. They had been in a book shop of all places, watching, waiting for the owner’s daughter to go to the bathroom. All Ayato had to do after that was implant the idea in the father that he had seen some girl been taken away by a man. When he was asked what the girl looked like, Ayato recited a vague description of the man’s daughter and pointed in the opposite direction of where his car was parked. The man had given his thanks and ran off after a nonexistent kidnapper.

Thirty minutes before Kaneki had accidently ran into him and had pick-pocketed his keys and phone. By the time the girl had gone to the bathroom Kaneki was already in the car waiting for Ayato to run to the location they had agreed on. He had taken his phone just in case the father decided to call his daughter and completely ruin their plan.

Even when he found out that Ayato had been lying, it could seem like a mistake. They had chosen the same day a girl had been kidnapped in the same area. Eventually he would connect the stolen car to the incident at the coffee shop, but it didn’t matter; it’s not like the cops knew what Ayato looked like let alone know of his existence.

It had all been quite humorous.

He reached over to pat Kaneki’s pockets before he felt the solid block shape he was looking for. He pulled the phone out of Kaneki’s coat pocket and rolled down his window. He threw the phone out of the window and with it any chance of authorities tracking them with it.

He looked back at Kaneki’s worried-stricken face.

“It was _your_ brilliant idea,” Ayato accused.

Kaneki turned to him his eyes blank with the gravity of the situation. “My ideas are always brilliant.”

Ayato starred dumfounded at him before he rolled his eyes and rested his head on the cold glass of the window.

“Where to mister brilliance?” He looked back at Kaneki and noticed that his grip had loosened significantly on the steering wheel.

Kaneki pressed his lips together. “Have you ever been to the Ōsumi Islands?”

\--

Ayato eyed the docked Ferry through the dark, looking for an entrance.

There were people boarding it, hugging their families and friends, saying their farewells. Ayato turned back to look at Kaneki.

“How do we get on? It’s not like we bought tickets.” Ayato knitted his eyebrows together and tried to decipher Kaneki’s expression.

Kaneki reached in his back pocket to pull out to white papers. “We didn’t but Haruma and Taisei Ito did.”

Ayato starred wide-eyed at him and shook his head in disbelief. “Kaneki, I do believe I’m rubbing off on you.”

Kaneki smiled warmheartedly. “That doesn’t sound like such a bad thing.”

Ayato beamed at him and bit his lip to keep himself from smiling. Kaneki held out a ticket to Ayato, “Come on Haru-san.”

Ayato scrunched up his face in disgust at the name but took the ticket from Kaneki.

They started to walk together to the ship and the line of people boarding it. “We don’t even look related,” he complained.

“Good. It would be weird if we did,” Kaneki responded. Ayato pursed his lips in confusion; it wasn’t until they were close to the ship did he realize Kaneki had been referring to their intimacy. With reddening ears and cheeks he leaned into Kaneki and whispered, “We don’t have bags. Won’t it look weird if we don’t have bags?”

“Why should they care? We’re the ones paying.”

Ayato nodded in agreement and handed his ticket to a staff member; the lady hole-punched the ticket and then Kaneki’s and motioned her hand for them to walk onto the ship.

Once they were inside a man glanced at their tickets and guided them to their cabin.

“I hope you enjoy the trip,” the man bowed slightly at the waist smiled fakely at them and left. Kaneki slid the door open. 

The cabin was big. There were two beds pushed against opposite walls, a desk with a lamp and telephone, a sink and cabinets, and a small bathroom.

Ayato let out a low whistle. “Haru and Taisei are loaded.”

“That they are,” Kaneki agreed.

“I’m sure they won’t miss the money,” Ayato sat on one of the beds and pulled his scarf and boots off, throwing them haphazardly on the floor. When he looked up Kaneki was sitting on the other bed, flipping the pages of a book. 

“Where’d you get that?”

“Found it on the desk,” Kaneki mumbled without looking up from the piece of literature.

Ayato hummed in acknowledgement and sat on his bed awkwardly, wondering if Kaneki was ignoring him. Maybe he regretted sleeping with Ayato; it had been rather sudden.

“What are you shy now?” Ayato spat out angrily. Kaneki looked up from his book, shock filtered across his face. He solidified his expression and put his book down. He got up and gave Ayato a crazed, hungered look, one that veined fear through Ayato and yet, he felt oddly excited by it.

Kaneki got on the other side of the bed and Ayato shifted to face him. He watched Kaneki warily.

“It’s okay to want someone Ayato-kun,” Kaneki stalked forward on his arms and licked his lips. Ayato’s eyes darted to his mouth at the movement then narrowed his eyes at Kaneki.

Kaneki inched closer to him, but Ayato didn’t budge; he would not shy away from anyone let alone a half-breed. Ayato felt taken aback from his own thought; he hadn’t thought of Kaneki as something inferior or called him names in a long time. He shook the eerie feeling odd. For some reason his old hatred made him feel sick now.

He looked back at Kaneki who was a lot closer to him than the last time he had checked.

Ayato held his breath as Kaneki’s thighs slid over his and he was pushed gently onto his back.

Kaneki bent down to meet his ear. “Admit it. You want me.” Ayato let out a shaky breath and waited for Kaneki to do something, but he did nothing.

He was waiting for Ayato’s response, letting it be Ayato’s choice.

Ayato took a moment to think. If he succumbed to Kaneki’s seduction it would be like submitting himself to him—letting someone own him.

No, that was wrong. Kaneki had no intention of owning him, Kaneki just _wanted_ him, and that was an unknown feeling that frightened him. But since when did he let fear rule him?

With steady hands he gripped the sides of Kaneki’s face and forced him to look at Ayato. When he looked at Kaneki he did not see a monster or a half-ghoul or a cannibal on the verge of insanity, he saw Kaneki Ken. Someone strong and caring and worthy of love. Ayato wasn’t sure he could give Kaneki what he wanted but he would give him everything he had.

He brought Kaneki’s head down and let their lips mold to each other. Ayato poured everything into the kiss and hoped Kaneki would understand him. Kaneki pulled away and rested his forehead against Ayato’s.

Ayato took a moment to revel in this new-found connection before he pushed Kaneki off of him roughly. “Go take a bath you smell like a wet dog.”

“Like you don’t,” Kaneki complained but got up and ducked into the bathroom.

Ayato stayed there for a moment, listening to the rhythmic stream of the shower, with a giddy smile on his lips. He snapped out of his reverie and stood up. He glanced at the bathroom door before he stepped out of the cabin. The halls were empty; it was probably late in the night. He walked around a bit before he found the main room of the ship.

He walked up to the food counter where there was an exhausted teenager on his phone.

His gaze flicked to Ayato.

“Can I have two heat-able hamburgers and two large cups of coffee?” Ayato tried his best to be polite.

The boy looked at him suspiciously. “Coffee at ten at night?”

Ayato put a fake smile on. “I have to finish this paper by tonight and I haven’t even started.”

The kid smiled and rummaged through the fridge to get the food. “Been there.”

He poured the coffees and Ayato handed him a twenty.

“You can leave the tray out your door and someone will pick it up. Good luck with that paper.” Ayato nodded at the kid and picked up the tray.

He had to fumble quite a lot to open his door and once he was inside he had to twist around awkwardly to close the door with his foot.

“I got food and co—

His words fell short when he looked up at Kaneki standing in front of him stark naked.

Ayato’s face heated up and he tried to swallow the knot that had formed in his throat.

“You killed somebody?!” Kaneki asked in a hushed tone and dropped the towel he had been drying himself off with.

“W-what? No!” Ayato spluttered and tried to avert his eyes from Kaneki, “I got coffee and human food you dumb-fuck.”

“Human food? Why?”

“So that we blend in. Oh my god, we’ll throw it out the window or something so that no one suspects anything,” Ayato rambled quickly due to the mixture of anger and embarrassment and slight arousal he felt.

Kaneki made an ‘oh’ face and took the tray from Ayato.

“Put some fucking clothes on!” Ayato turned around and crossed his arms and waited for Kaneki to follow out his demand.

He felt arms snake around his waist and a warm body press against his back. “Why? It’s not like you haven’t seen me naked before.”

Ayato could feel his eyes darken but he wasn’t sure if it was from lust or anger. He whipped around and raked his nails across Kaneki’s face.

Kaneki stood back and watched Ayato like he had been expecting the reaction. He reached up to touch his face and his fingers came back bloody. The wound was already healing but it got the message across.

Kaneki left and slinked into the bathroom to change. When he came back Ayato was sitting on his bed sipping at his coffee angrily.

Kaneki stood in front of him but Ayato refused to look up at him and be manipulated by his bright eyes.

A hand lifted his chin up and Ayato let out a feral growl, but it didn’t stop Kaneki from bending down and pressing a chaste kiss to Ayato’s forehead.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that without your consent.” Kaneki took a moment before he stepped away and walked to the other bed.

Ayato fidgeted uncomfortably and mulled over whether he should accept the apology.

He looked at Kaneki who had already lied down in his bed, facing away from Ayato.

Ayato bit his lip and let out a defeated sigh. He got up and crawled into Kaneki’s bed, linking his arms around the other’s waist.

He pressed a kiss to Kaneki’s neck and shut his eyes.

He could practically feel the joy radiating off of Kaneki. “Shut the hell up, weirdo.”

“I didn’t even say anything,” Kaneki complained in a whiny voice.

Ayato smiled against Kaneki’s back and let sleep take him.

Tomorrow they would be in Yakushima and one more step closer to being free.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayato's just a little kid who needs loves and hugs ok? and Kaneki needs to let loose once in a while and have fun...and sex. Sorry if this chapter was slow I kind of went of track.


	4. Morality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is hella long so have fun and also Yakushima is really beautiful wow check it out: https://c3.staticflickr.com/3/2770/4278146127_a55b24a469_b.jpg  
> http://thaisbaby.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/4278893510_750_mononoke-forest-yakushima-island.jpg

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't edit this so there's probably a thousand mistakes *shrugs*

 

The next morning, Ayato awoke light-headed, his body woozy with warmth and ease. He let out a soft sigh and let his body be swayed slightly by the incoming waves that lapped at the sides of the boat. After their fight last night and Kaneki’s apology, came Ayato’s forgiveness—something he had given up uncharacteristically quickly. He hadn’t planned his forgiving behalf; he hadn’t really ever planned being landed in a situation even remotely close to the one that had unfolded last night. Now, watching Kaneki stir beside him, his hand resting on Ayato’s stomach, damp and curled as a flower in wilting rain, Ayato was nervous again.

He remembered in a rush everything that had happened since that night when he first kissed Kaneki—everything he had said, everything he had done, everything Kaneki had said, everything Kaneki had done.

He felt ashamed, like he had disappointed himself, had let down the old pack he had made, the one that restricted him from falling.

And boy was he falling hard.

For a moment when he looked at Kaneki he feared what might happen if Kaneki realized his reluctance—he feared he had already realized.

Would Kaneki want to be with someone who wasn’t even sure he wanted to _be_ with him? He was Touka’s kid brother after all, but that hadn’t seemed to deter him so far.

It was all so fucked up—falling for someone you used to hate, someone who terrorized your every thought and made you look behind your back twice every time you walked a street alone, falling for someone who was once human and now an experiment gone wrong. A half-ghoul that ate ghouls, a cannibal, and soon a kakuja.

Falling for someone who might just kill you.

He thought somehow Kaneki had sensed his thoughts for his face contorted in a sick twist. Ayato feared that the spell that was bestowed upon them had broken, that the light that crept through the boat’s small scuttle would turn everything they had built together to stone. But then he was awake, his lips forming a half-sleepy greeting and his hand was already reaching for Ayato’s.

\--

Ayato stared blankly at the map in his hand; he wasn’t even reading it, but it was something to hold and make himself look busy in the meantime. He felt a hand bump his hip gently causing his eyes to jerk up.

Kaneki looked at him vacuously; he looked tired, the life drained out of him as if he hadn’t caught a wink of sleep. Ayato could’ve sworn the rhythmic tune of his breath had meant he’d been asleep, but perhaps Kaneki had been kept awake by his noisy thoughts.

“I’m going to get coffee,” Kaneki announced and turned to walk to the lobby; Ayato had already began following him, his eyes planted once again on the on the colored lines and curves of the map.

Once he heard Kaneki’s familiar footfalls cease he stopped as well and leaned on the side of the counter.

“Did you ever finish that paper?” It took Ayato a moment to realize the question had been directed at him, mostly because it came from someone else other than Kaneki.

He directed his tired gaze to the boy behind the food counter he had talked to the night before.

Ayato sighed internally. He really didn’t like talking to strangers, humans especially.

“Yes,” he answered curtly.

The boy brightened and threw him a shy smile before he pushed a lid on a coffee cup.

“What subject was it on?” The boy asked curiously.

Ayato pursed his lips in distaste and was about to answer when he was interrupted.

“European studies,” Kaneki said curtly as he handed over the money to the boy. The teenager blinked rapidly, his mouth slightly agape, and shied away from Kaneki’s intimidating stare.

The boy threw a nervous glance at both of them and responded intelligently with, “You guys know each other?”

Ayato grabbed his coffee and glared at Kaneki over the rim of the cup. “Unfortunately yes.”

Kaneki smiled smugly as he grabbed his coffee and started to walk away. Ayato was about to do the same when the chipper voice began again.

“My name’s Yuu by the way.”

Ayato looked over his shoulder in a disregarding manner. “Shion. Nice to meet you Yuu.”

Ayato tried to scuttle away but could tell that Yuu wanted to say more.

He waited impatiently for the boy to do something and threw a glance at Kaneki who was watching him carefully.

Yuu stepped from behind the counter and closer to Ayato, his smell invading Ayato’s space. Ayato took a step back and took a swig of his coffee in attempt to pacify his hunger.

Yuu shifted anxiously on his feet and rubbed at the back of his neck. “I know I just met you Shion-kun but I was wondering if you would like to go out sometime…like on a date.” There was a vibrant blush that had taken over his face, but he had said the words clearly and smoothly.

Ayato straightened up at the words; he hadn’t been expecting that to spill out of Yuu’s mouth of all things.

Ayato sighed, softly enough so the boy wouldn’t hear him. “I’d love to,” he looked at Kaneki squarely who look shocked and amused, “but I’m not looking to be in a relationship. At all.” He spoke the words to Yuu yet his eyes never left Kaneki.

Yuu looked shocked and disappointed and Ayato thought he kind of resembled a kicked puppy.

“Oh…I—that’s okay. I hope I’ll see you around sometime Shion-kun,” he smiled genuinely at Ayato and backed away.

Ayato groaned loudly and pushed down the metaphorical bile that rose in his throat at the thought of what he was about to do.

“Yuu,” he called. The boy turned and Ayato walked close to him, lifted his chin and planted a kiss on his lips. Yuu’s lips were slightly chapped and he tasted of macha tea and crackers but most of all he tasted _human_ and _alive_. Ayato stepped back quickly from the kiss before he did something he would regret and walked away.

He threw a hand over his shoulder and said goodbye to Yuu in a taunting voice.

He could feel Kaneki’s presence next to him and when Ayato looked at him he was calm and expressionless; it left Ayato unsettled and disappointed. He wasn’t sure what  he had been trying to prove with kissing Yuu, he had no interest in the boy besides taking a bite out of him—and not in the good way—yet he did it. Almost as if he was trying to establish something, show Kaneki he was not owned and his actions could not be controlled. But all he was left with was a bad taste that sat on his tongue and sinking feeling in his gut.

He threaded his hand to Kaneki’s, but when he did, the hold was not returned.

\--

Straining his eyes in the dark, Ayato peered through the dark forest, his fingers curving around the trunk of a tree, his weight balanced on his toes as they waited patiently to be spent running.

Its head turned in Ayato’s direction, its large black beady eyes staring, and its mouth was still from when it had been chewing before.

Ayato was silent, his breath caught in his ribcages.

It turned its head down again continuing to graze the grass.

Ayato’s fingers feel from the tree and his feet propelled him forward. The sound spurted the animal into a sprint, its long legs leaping gracefully in the air and over the roots of tree and away from its chaser.

Ayato darted around a tree as he felt his shoulder blades erupt in a numbing pain as his wings spread in an impressive length.

He gave one final last push of his speed before he pounced on the creature snapping his hind legs in the process.

The animal kicked and cries fell from its open mouth as Ayato bended down and plunged his hand into its chest. A grip a twist a yank and the animal fell silent.

Ayato stood up and secured his hand around the organ and began walking back to the large body of water they had found—his hand dripping, dripping.

He stumbled over rocks and the long roots of trees with trunks thicker than Ayato himself.

Eventually he reached the great pond, its dark waters basking in the moonlight. He spotted Kaneki quickly, sitting on a boulder, his arm thrown over his propped leg.

He did not look at Ayato as the boy climbed the rock and stood next to him.

Ayato looked down at Kaneki and bent down, putting his bloodied hand in front of the half-ghoul.

Kaneki looked at the hand then at the edge of the pond that receded into the forest. “Please tell me that didn’t come from a human.”

Ayato snorted. “How silly, no. It’s a deer heart,” Ayato pushed his outstretched hand forward, “like a peace offering.”

Kaneki narrowed his eyes at the organ and pushed Ayato’s hand away softly.

Ayato sat down, his hand caressing the heart, and hung his head back in a defeated manner.

He gazed at the stars and wondered how on Earth had he landed into this situation?

It took Kaneki a few moments before he spoke; Ayato wondered if he had been choosing his words carefully or if Kaneki was just hell-bent on ignoring him for the rest of the day.

“Why did you kiss him?”

Ayato parted his lips slightly and let out a breath. “He tasted like sweat and meat. It was disgusting really.”

Ayato could practically hear Kaneki’s teeth grinding. “That's not what I asked.”

He looked over at Kaneki and waited for him to look back but he didn’t.

“I don’t know. I didn’t want to, but I did.”

Kaneki didn’t speak to him after that. Ayato wasn’t sure if he had accepted his words or if he had casted them away. He lied on his back so Ayato decided to do the same.

There were a lot of things Ayato wanted to think about as he gazed at the sky and its endless nightlights. He could reminisce his childhood, how Touka would make him catch worms with her to feed birds or how his father would lift him onto his shoulders or the faint recollections he had of his mother. He could fret over the fact that Aogiri had probably realized by now that Ayato and Kaneki were not returning and about what they might do in retaliation. He could worry about his sister who was farther away from him now than ever before. He could wonder about Anteiku and the ghouls who worked there or the CCG and there bothersome doves.

He could ponder about a lot of things that weren’t Kaneki Ken and all he was yet he did not.

He clutched the deer’s heart to his chest and remembered the look in its eyes as the life drained out of it, and his eyes felt heavy with the impossible weight of the emotions that trickled down sides of his face.

He felt Kaneki’s gaze on him but he could not turn, couldn’t find the strength or desire to.

“I love you Ayato, and I know that scares you…”

Ayato felt his lungs seize and his hand tighten around the organ it held.

“And I’m not asking you to love me back I’m just asking you to acknowledge how I feel.”

“I care about you Ayato, probably more than I should, and I want nothing more than for you to be happy. Call it narcissism or whatever is to your liking, but I think I could do that for you…If you let me.”

He felt the heart be taken out of his hand and heard it be set aside and then Kaneki grabbed his blood-caked hand and wrapped it with his. He shifted closer to Ayato until their bodies pressed together.

With his free hand Kaneki guided Ayato’s chin so that he’d look at him.

His vision was blurry and Ayato did his best to blink the tears away; he wasn’t sure he why he was crying or how to stop it. He wasn’t sure he wanted to. He hoped they would wash away that burning feeling that hollowed his chest with a pain so great he wish he could tear his heart out. But he had a feeling that once he held his beating heart in his hand it would still manage to pump this agony into his veins.

Kaneki rested his forehead against Ayato’s and held his face.

He shushed Ayato in a low voice. “It’s okay.”

Kaneki kissed his cheeks softly and pecked at the tears that stained Ayato’s face. He gathered Ayato in his arms and rubbed slow circles in his back as he cried silent sobs.

Kaneki pressed a small, quick kiss to his lips before he placed one on both his eyelids.

“It’s okay to feel this way,” he told him and Ayato was glad he had someone to tell him this because he couldn’t believe it himself.

\--

“Come here.”

“No.”

Ayato stared stubbornly at Kaneki, his arms crossed, and his lip stuck in a permanent pout.

“Ayato…” Kaneki crooned.

“No.”

He tapped his foot rhythmically on the soil of the ground and turned to look away from the half ghoul. He felt arms encircle around his waist and he was pulled into Kaneki’s chest.

Kaneki rested his head on Ayato’s shoulder. The hug was completely one-sided, although Ayato’s fingers itched to wrap around Kaneki.

“Come in the water with me,” Kaneki murmured, his words muffled by Ayato’s scarf.

“No Kaneki.”

“But it’s hot outside and it would be such a waste to not use the pond.”

Ayato groaned dramatically but it was mostly because Kaneki’s hair tickled his nose. “No, my clothes will get wet and they’ll take forever to dry and then they’ll smell bad if it takes too long.”

The grip on his waist tightened. “Who said we needed clothes?”

Ayato kicked Kaneki’s leg, hard; he was surprised he hadn’t heard a crack. Kaneki didn’t let go of him instead he started to drag Ayato close to the water’s edge.

“Ayato if you don’t hurry I’m going to throw you in and your pretty scarf will get all wet,” Kaneki threatened through soft laughter. Ayato tried to push him off but Kaneki was far stronger and there was not much point.

“Fine,” he said in a defeated tone.

Kaneki grinned and stepped away from Ayato, but not before he planted a kiss on Ayato’s nose.

Ayato cringed and voiced his complaints, but Kaneki ignored him in favor of stripping. Ayato looked away bashfully and fumbled with his own clothes.

By the time he got his shirt off he had already heard the splashes of Kaneki getting in the water. His hands stilled at the waistband of his pants.

“Come on Ayato, you’re not one to be shy.”

Ayato whipped his head around. “Shut the fuck up and turn around, shithead,” he snarled.

Kaneki abided his orders and Ayato shrugged his remaining clothes off quickly.

He crouched by the water and eyed Kaneki.

Ayato got in slowly, watching the way the water rippled from contact with his body. It wasn’t cold nor was it warm and it wasn’t as murky and repulsive as he thought it would be.

He looked up to find Kaneki, realizing he hadn’t heard the asshole’s annoying voice for a while. But he was gone.

Ayato turned slowly, “Ka…neki?” He was nowhere to be seen.

The water was still, vacant of life and movement. The hairs on the back of his neck rose the way they do when you’re being watched. His skin prickled and his fingers twitched beneath the water as he sunk under it letting only his eyes scan over the surface.

At his right there was a sudden sound of movement but when he turned to look there was nothing there except the rings of water it left behind. To his left there was another noise; this time closer. Ayato started to back up to the edge of the pond.

He wasn’t sure if Kaneki was playing some game with him or if something had happened to him and put both of them in direct peril. If it was a game it sure as hell wasn’t a funny one and Ayato was going to beat the living shit out of him once the hoax was up.

There was the snap of a twig that caused Ayato to whip around, but what he found was just a bird that had landed to peck at the ground. Ayato scoffed as he put his hands on the bank of the pond and started to push himself up to get out.

Quickly he was pulled back and under the water as something wrapped around his ankle and plunged him into darkness. Eyes wide with fear, tainted as black as the depths of the water, mouth gaping open in a silenced scream, arms searching for something anything, Ayato began to drown. Water was pumped into his lungs making his chest feel like it was breaking apart at the seams. As his eyes began to droop and his limbs went limp with exhaust he was suddenly let go.

With the last ounce of strength he had left in him he pushed himself and out until he finally broke the surface and his lungs filled with oxygen. Ayato heaved half of his body out of the water and onto the bank, gasping desperately for air.

When he caught his breath he let out an earthy laugh and looked over his shoulder at where Kaneki floated peacefully in the water. With a wicked grin he choked out a barely audible, “I-I’m going to…kill you.”

This elicited a smile from the other ghoul who waited patiently for Ayato to approach him. Ayato narrowed his eyes at Kaneki and with a change of character smiled lovingly at Kaneki, blew him a kiss, and dived into the water.

Swimming gently and sticking to the bottom of the pond he made his way away and behind Kaneki. He waited impatiently but Kaneki stayed still; he was only so young and this game wasn’t going to play itself. Resurfacing he pounced on Kaneki’s back and dug his teeth into his neck, biting down hard until blood flooded his mouth with a revolting, metallic taste.

Kaneki elbowed him hard in the stomach sending him flopping off his back and against the edge of the pond. He waded through the water until he was a foot away from Ayato.

He had a blank expression—something Ayato hated that he did—and his eyes were blown electric, his black pupils consuming both red and grey.

In another second Ayato’s wrists were seized, making it impossible for him to move. Kaneki waded closer until his nose was brimming Ayato’s and with one swift movement he caught the boy’s throat in his hand. A black nailed raked down his jaw and just below his ear and the rest of the half-ghoul’s fingers rested steadily on an accelerated pulse. He stared deep into the teenager’s eyes before he roughly pushed him out of the water and on his back. With grass tickling his naked body, Ayato stared back up at the man above him.

Kaneki delved down and crashed his lips against Ayato’s with a bruising impact, his hand tightening ever so slightly on the boy’s neck. Ayato moaned into the kiss and his legs started to involuntarily wrap themselves around Kaneki’s waist.

There was an impossible ferocity that held both of them enthralled and raw; their demons were running wild, colliding in the little space between their skin. Ayato’s fingers twitched, desperately wanting to be released from their confinement but Kaneki’s control had not loosened and it didn’t seem like it would any time soon.

Kaneki broke away from the kiss and started to assault Ayato’s chest and ribs with skin-tearing bites and licks that flickered across his skin like flames. Ayato let out a breathy moan—half of it was from the stimulation the other half of it was from lack of oxygen. He whimpered pathetically when Kaneki bit into the soft flesh of his inner thigh and started to lick at the beads of red that started to seep out of the wound.

Something warm and wet slithered between his legs and poked at his entrance, probing it open impatiently until it slid into him abruptly. Ayato let out a pained yelp as he was stretched too far and too quickly for his liking.

The sensation was gone at an instant and Kaneki’s lips were on his again. His neck and wrists were released and immediately his arms fastened around Kaneki’s back as the half-ghoul thrusted into Ayato’s heat.

Raking his nails down Kaneki’s back leaving red, angry marks in a way to mask his pain, Ayato trembled with arousal, unable to control his body’s involuntary reactions.

Kaneki rose off of Ayato and shoved him onto his stomach.

Ayato was starting to think Kaneki liked having his ass waving in the air.

He was pushed back down onto his chest, his wrists pinned above his head. Kaneki snapped his hips forward relentlessly and burrowed his face in Ayato’s neck.

“You are mine,” Kaneki rasped aggressively before he sunk his teeth into Ayato’s shoulder. Ayato let out a low mewl as the pain sent a shock straight to his lower stomach where heat pooled.

Panting with sweat thick and heavy on his forehead, Ayato dug his fingers into the ground feeling the earth be uprooted into his hands.

And suddenly Kaneki stilled.

Ayato whined loudly. “Ka…neki.”

Kaneki kept his thrusts agonizingly slow and languid; he pushed his head against Ayato’s, his hot breath tickling the boy’s face. “Yes, love?”

Ayato groaned lewdly, tears burning his eyes from shear frustration. “Go f-faster.”

Kaneki did not fulfill his request if anything he drew out his thrusts pushing in inch by excruciating inch. “Whose are you, Aya?”

 “Wha—?”

Kaneki snapped his hips harshly, his cock ramming into Ayato’s prostate. The boy let out a scream that masked Kaneki’s question of, “Who do you belong to?”

“Ayato, whose are you?”

Ayato screwed his eyes shut and hoped to god this torture would end soon.

“Ayato,” this time Kaneki’s voice came severely and cut through clearly to Ayato’s mind.

“Yours!” He yelled; despair dripping from his voice. “I’m yours Kaneki…all yours.”

Kaneki seemed to be pleased with the answer and started to thrust shamelessly into the boy with a force that made him rock against the ground and make his cock throb unbearably so. Kaneki pulled him into a side kiss as he rolled his hips forcefully into abandonment.

Ayato’s fingers tightened around the grass and soil as he started to rock backwards to meet Kaneki’s thrusts halfway.

He was a sobbing mess by the time he reached climax, his moans and pants falling heavy in the empty forest with a dark blossom of heat that kissed his cheeks. Kaneki’s movements stilled as he released a sickly warmth that spread throughout Ayato.

Kaneki rolled off of him quickly and let the boy catch his breath. Ayato lolled his head to the side to look at Kaneki with half lidded eyes, his chest heaving against the flat surface of the ground.

Kaneki pulled Ayato closer to him and the boy’s arms hastily fastened around the other, holding on for dear life, scared to death that he had found something he just might lose.

\--

It had been raining for the last three days leaving the forest damp and renewed with brewing life. Most of the animals had scattered off to their holes and caverns, however Kaneki and Ayato had to wait it out. It was a painstaking, agonizing three days—mostly for Kaneki, him being the one having to deal with Ayato and his hate for the weather. The half-ghoul didn’t mind the rain that much; he was happy basking in it and seemed to enjoy getting completely soaked. Meanwhile, Ayato resembled a drowned cat that was on the verge of scratching somebody’s eyes out.

Now that the rain clouds had lifted, the sun hit every square inch the forest had to offer, alluring all of its creatures out of hiding and letting the withered plants stand tall again. But the sun hadn’t been out long enough to dry the ground leaving it in a mush that Ayato refused to walk around in. by some miraculous wonder, Ayato had managed to escape Kaneki’s careful watch and decided to climb a high tree, passing the time lying on one of its limbs.

When he was little he had always fancied the idea of climbing trees and sitting in them, but Touka would never let him; she said it was too dangerous for him—something along the lines of he would fall and then their dad would never forgive her.

Touka was always a sucker for their dad; she still kissed his ass even though it was in a grave—metaphorically speaking that was. He wasn’t sure what had happened to his dad after he had abandoned them; Ayato just knew he was dead. Hell, for all he knew the CCG was using him as a quinque.

The thought mad him sick, nauseated almost. Not even his asshole of a father deserved a fate like that.

It had always bothered him. Not knowing how his father had died, but Ayato supposed that if his suspicions were true and the CCG had gotten a hold of his father then he was better off not knowing.

Really he shouldn’t be worrying about his father’s possible involvement with the CCG but more about the CCG itself. Now that he had strayed from Aogiri he was less…protected from the doves. He had never felt endangered by the investigators, but that was when he had had an army to back him up.

Now he was on his own.

On his own and with an unbelievably strong half-ghoul who was practically a ticking time bomb with him becoming a kakuja and all.

Ayato sighed. He had no fucking clue what he had gotten himself into; all he knew was that it was some deep shit.

He looked up at the rustle of someone on the ground. “Speak of the devil,” Ayato muttered under his breath.

Kaneki smiled up at him. “You were thinking of me,” he tilted his head to the side, “Cute.”

“What do you want?” Ayato groaned. He kept his gaze off of Kaneki, feeling humiliated about their _incident_ a few days ago. He had no idea what overcame Kaneki or himself for that matter—he couldn’t believe he had let himself be so easily dominated. Even worse, he was ashamed because he had liked it.

“Did I do something to upset you?” Kaneki asked, genuine worry lacing his words.

Ayato turned slowly, a crazed look of disbelief on his face. “Oh I don’t know,” he waved his hands in the air, “You only tried to kill me!”

Kaneki looked slightly taken aback before he recovered and a half smile appeared on his face. “Oh that. Just fun and games,” he stood to lean against the tree, “besides from what I saw you weren’t complaining.”

Ayato jumped down from the tree landing in a crouch. He crossed his arms defiantly and started to stalk away from Kaneki. “That was because I couldn’t speak with your damn hand around my throat,” he spat.

Kaneki chuckled condescendingly and hugged Ayato from behind. “I was thinking we could go into town today."

Ayato gave him a perplexed look. “We look fucking homeless.”

He could feel Kaneki shrug behind him as nestled his head into Ayato’s shoulder. “Since when did you care what people thought of you?”

Ayato’s eye twitched. “I don’t.” He pushed Kaneki off and started to walk away.

“Where are you going?”

He turned. “To the town, like you said. I know you’re older Kaneki but I didn’t think you were senile.”

Kaneki shook his head and held back his laughter, but he couldn’t hide his smile from Ayato.

\--

Ayato peered into the window of a shop and looked at their displays of carved woods knick-knacks. Looking at the orange stickers on them, he realized how overpriced they were. He chuckled to himself wondering which white tourist had bought some thinking they were antiques crafted by locals who were offering gifts to Kami. Or at least that’s what it read on the sign propped next to the display.

He felt a tug on his sleeve, and turned to look at Kaneki perplexingly.

“I want to go to the library,” Kaneki tilted his head towards the library across the street.

Ayato scrunched up his nose. “Where’s the fun in that?” He said it lightly, knowing how much books and reading meant to Kaneki.

“Come on,” Kaneki insisted, “Please.”

Ayato sighed and made a face before he followed Kaneki. Kaneki was pleased at least, so pleased he laced his fingers with Ayato’s.

Ayato stared at their hands and then at Kaneki. “What are you doing?”

Kaneki looked at Ayato and followed his gaze. “Aya, after all the times we’ve done it I thought you knew what it was,” Ayato glared at the man, but he continued anyway. “It’s called handholding; a way for people to express their affection for one another.”

Ayato gave him a look of irritation. “Yeah, but won’t people think we’re…”

“Gay?” Kaneki asked, arching his brow at the boy.

Ayato bit the inside of his cheek. “Together…”

Kaneki stopped outside the library and turned to face him. “If you’re afraid of people knowing how much I care about you and how much I know you care about me, then by all means let go of my hand.”

Ayato looked down at their conjoined hands. A sour expression crossed his face but it was mostly because Kaneki had implied that he was afraid in some way.

The teenager scowled and pulled Kaneki into the library, his hold tighter on Kaneki’s hand than before.

The library was big to say the least; big enough that they could probably get lost in it if they tried.

The elderly librarian squinted at them, fixing her glasses, before she smiled kindly and walked away. Kaneki led them into a row of books and started to pick a few out. He let go of Ayato’s hand in favor of carrying the books.

Ayato walked away slowly, scanning his eyes over the titles that were inscribed on the spines of hundreds of books.

He picked on up from a middle shelf that had Greek warriors on the cover and looked like it hadn’t been touched in years.

 _The Iliad_ by Homer, it read.

He sat down in a corner, his back against one of the shelves and started to flip through the pages.

He glanced up; Kaneki was still looking at other books and nobody could see him from the entrance or possibly yell at him for sitting on the floor.

Kaneki’s gaze flickered to him and he had a smug smile plastered on his face once he realized Ayato held a book in his hands.

Kaneki sat next to him and spread three books on the ground, cover up, and turned to look at Ayato.

He reached out, “May I?”

Ayato handed him the book and Kaneki set it down by the others. From cover to cover it read, _The Iliad_ by Homer, _Thus Spoke Zarathustra_ by Friedrich Nietzsche, _Aesop’s fables_ by Aesop, _Tantric Poetry of Kukai_ by Kobo Daishi. Kaneki looked at the book Ayato had picked and quickly got up, “I’ll be back.”

He ran off into the maze of shelves and appeared shortly after with another book in tow. Ayato shook his head; Kaneki was such a dork—he already knew where some of the books in the library were.

He plopped back next to Ayato and place the book at the end of the line; it read, _The Odyssey_ by Homer.

“It’s part of _the Iliad_ so I thought you might want it,” Kaneki fiddled with his hands as he spoke. Ayato found it endearing.

“Okay, pick one,” Kaneki looked up at Ayato expectantly. Ayato of course picked the one he had initially been sorting through and handed it to Kaneki.

Kaneki flipped through the pages until he had found a passage he was satisfied with and began reading.

_"…Give me your armor to put on your shoulders;_

_The Trojans might suppose I was you,_

_Hold back, and give the Acheans' sons a breather,_

_For breathing spells in war are very few._

_Then, with a shout, fresh men might easily_

_Turn tired men from the ships toward the city."_

_So, like a fool he begged; for it would be_

_An evil death and doom for himself he asked…”_

Time folded in on itself, closed over the two, burying them in a world of poems and lost words of old philosophers. As the pages turned and books were set down, the library grew empty and Ayato’s eyelids grew heavier. Two books in Ayato had draped himself over Kaneki, switching his position every few dozen minutes, whether it was with his head rested on his shoulder or in his lap, he never interrupted Kaneki, too content listening to the words tumble over his lips.

Half way through _Aesop’s Fables_ Ayato had drifted into a sound sleep, Kaneki’s words still flowing through his mind.

When he woke Kaneki had been running his fingers through Ayato’s hair, whispering in his ear, telling him to wake up.

He smiled down at the boy in his lap. “We have to go. The librarian is kicking us out; they’re closing it for the night.”

Ayato blinked the sleep out of his eyes and sat up clumsily, fumbling over his own feet. Kaneki steadied him and Ayato leaned into his side.

“I’m hungry,” Ayato stated with a yawn.

\--

“Are you sure about this?”

Ayato glanced over at Kaneki with an incredulous look. “Since when have you been afraid of getting a little bit dirty, Kaneki-kun?” Ayato mocked.

Kaneki narrowed his eyes at him from hearing the nickname. “It’s not that…”

Ayato leaned against the brick wall of the alleyway and eyed Kaneki. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

Kaneki’s eyes lit up at the suggestion.

“I can hunt down food and bring it to you while you play housewife in the woods,” a lopsided grin was painted on Ayato’s face as he teased the half-ghoul.

Kaneki shook his head. “It’s too dangerous. You don’t know these areas; who knows what you’ll run into.”

Ayato rolled his eyes at Kaneki’s commentary. As if he needed Kaneki’s protection; he hadn’t before, so why should he now? He would be lying though if he said having Kaneki by his side didn’t give him a sense of security.

Kaneki tilted his head to the side; a small smile played at his lips. “Were you suggesting we’re married, Aya?"

Ayato stared wide-eyed at him. “What?!”

Kaneki waved his hand in the air as if he was motioning for something. “Before when you called me a housewife and said you’d bring me food, you were suggesting I was your wife.”

Heat kissed Ayato’s cheeks, spreading a blushing red across them. He muttered under his breath, cursing himself for getting so worked up easily.

Kaneki laughed softly to himself. “Although your vision of gender roles are completely askew, for the sake of context,” he leaned closer to Ayato with his hands pulled behind his back, “I guess I wouldn’t mind being your ‘wife’, Ayato-kun.”

Mouth agape slightly, bug-eyed, and a blushing mess, Ayato pushed Kaneki away and continued their walk down the alley.

“You’re so fucking weird,” Ayato shoved his hands in his pockets, “I don’t know why I put up with you.”

Kaneki’s hand brushed against his hip as he kept to his pace. “That’s because you like me,” he sang playfully.

Ayato rolled his eyes with such power he was surprised they didn’t fall out of their sockets.

Kaneki halted in spot and raised a hand to motion to Ayato to stop as well.

“Do you smell that?”

Ayato knitted his brows in concentration and took a whiff of the air, and as anticipated there was a faint aroma of blood hidden in the air.

“Someone must’ve made a kill,” Ayato said thoughtfully. “We’re in someone else’s territory.”

He turned to look at Kaneki, immediately displeased by the look of concentration that sat on the half-ghoul’s face.

“I think we should turn back, Kaneki…” He stilled his hand on Kaneki’s upper arm, tugging slightly in the opposite direction.

Kaneki looked at him curiously. “Why? I thought you were hungry. It will be easy,” he assured.

“Yeah…” Ayato kept his gaze low.

Praying to God, which is not something he did often, he hoped Kaneki would let it go and they could move on and find somewhere else to eat.

A look of understanding crossed Kaneki’s face. “You’re scared I’ll…” He reached for Ayato’s face, caressing his cheek in his one hand and smile reassuringly at him. “Everything will be fine. I promise.”

Ayato found himself smiling back and nodding in agreement before he knew what he was doing. Kaneki started to head in the direction of the smell, and Ayato had no choice but to follow.

As the scent grew stronger, and Ayato’s worry grew worse, he started to chew at his inner lip.

He watched as Kaneki pulled his old mask on and Ayato quickly started to do the same, fastening it over his mouth and nose.

Eventually, they were close enough that they started to hear the sickening sounds of meat being shredded and chewed, digested and torn.

They walked into the opening of an empty car lot. Before them was a woman, a ghoul, kneeling by a corpse, tearing into it delicately.

She turned at the sound of the two of them arriving, her eyes wide with fear and shock, but they quickly dimmed once she realized they were ghouls

She rocked back on her knees and gazed at them from an angle.

“This is my territory,” her voice was soft and even but held an authoritative tone to it. “But it looks like you two haven’t been around long enough to notice.”

She waited for them to reply, but Kaneki did not speak and all Ayato truly wanted was to push Kaneki away from the other ghoul, but he wasn’t going to so he stayed silent.

The ghoul took their silence as submission.  “I’ll let it slide this time,” she flipped her long hair over to one side of her head tore and the arms off of the corpse. She set them at distance from where she sat, but still close enough that they would have to walk near her if they accepted it.

Ayato stepped forward, ignoring Kaneki’s warning gaze, thinking that it was better if he handled this.

The ghoul eyed him but soon returned to her meal. Ayato crouched by the corpse and gathered the limbs in his arms and started to stand up when he felt his legs being kicked from underneath him.

In on swift motion he was slammed on his back and there was a sharp pain in his gut as something was rammed through it, ripping his flesh open and sending his blood pooling.

The kagune was pulled out quickly and the sensation of its existence was gone in an instance. Its absence left him feeling raw and under oxygenated.

“Fuck,” he cursed weakly as he tried to push himself up. He should’ve known better than to trust that woman, even for a split second.

A gut-wrenching scream filtered through the air, snapping Ayato’s attention to the scene before him.

Kaneki had the ghoul pinned above the ground and against the wall, choking her with his kagune. She was bleeding from her mouth meaning she had been injured badly and as Ayato glanced down her body he noticed the gaping hole in her stomach and her missing leg.

Ayato swallowed the knot in his throat and pulled himself up by using the wall to support his weight.

At some point Kaneki’s mask had been discarded, thrown somewhere on the ground; he was seething white at the mouth, his teeth tainted red.

Ayato tried calling his name but it seemed liked the half-ghoul couldn’t hear him.

Kaneki slammed the girl on the ground, pinning her arms to restrain her from moving even though Ayato was pretty sure she was paralyzed by now. She wasn’t even screaming anymore, only making gurgling noises—most likely from choking on her own blood flow.

Kaneki bit into her neck savagely, tearing at the flesh like a hungered animal and Ayato couldn’t do anything but watch in horror.

He tasted salt collect at his lips from his tears. He wanted to run away—he wanted to run away so badly, anywhere, just far away from this monster that had possessed Kaneki. But he couldn’t, not only because he could barely walk as it is, but because he couldn’t leave Kaneki. Not after everything they had been through, not after everything Ayato had given up for that bastard, he was about to let him throw it all away.

He wouldn’t allow it. He wouldn’t let Kaneki ruin them, wouldn’t let him ruin himself.

He fumbled forward, his hand pressing against his oozing wound. “Ka…neki, stop.”

Kaneki didn’t hear him; maybe he couldn’t or maybe he didn’t want to.

Ayato stepped closer, his knees almost buckling under his weight.

He pushed a heavy breath out and rested his hand on Kaneki’s shoulder.

The ghoul stilled and he turned, but it wasn’t Kaneki who looked back.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sex and killing scenes are roughly 78% of this fic


	5. Agape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the longest chapter I've ever written and I came real fucking close to naming it "What is love" by Haddaway but instead I named it agape which is the Greek word for selfless love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love how this was supposed to only be 2 chapters  
> Why do I cause myself such pain?

Ayato felt paralyzed, stuck motionless in his crawling skin as he watched the ghoul turn to look at him.

His lids were pulled back over white vacant sockets, his lips stretched impossibly far over his teeth in an unnatural grin. He looked crazed, his sanity shattered like a glass mirror.

Streams of blood and saliva ran down his chin, and his fingers twitched as they held the woman’s body.

But what horrified Ayato was the way he looked at him as if he wasn’t even seeing him but looking through him; he was completely unrecognizable to the man Ayato cared for most in this world.

He was nothing more than another kill to Kaneki.

He was nothing to Kaneki. Because this wasn’t Kaneki.

And in that exact moment that that thought had filtered through his mind he knew it wasn’t true.

This was Kaneki—yes, it was a less favorable part of him, but it was still him. It was still a part of the man that had carved his way into Ayato’s heart and inside his boundaries.

He wasn’t a monster because of what he had undergone nor was he one now. Kaneki had no power over himself—not in this state. It was pure instinct and pure instinct is nothing personal. Yes, he had chosen in the beginning to become a kakuja and to take the final dive into that world, but it had only been because he had thought it was the right thing to do.

Doesn’t every supervillain in every story fundamentally believe that they also are choosing the right decision? How does that separate them from the hereos if they too believed the same for themselve?

Who are we to decide who the villains’ are? Nobody is completely bad—nothing in this world is completely bad.

Ayato suddenly remembered a story that his father had told him and Touka one night. It was from the book, _Tales the Muses Told._ The story was about a girl, a beautiful one, born from clay, the will of Zeus, the breath of Athena, the skill of Hermes, and the gift of Aphrodite. But little did she know that she had not been given life out of the goodwill of the Gods but instead from their spite against her soon to be husband and his brother.

On her wedding day, she was given by Zeus a box, and inside was a world of unknown and secrecy, secrets too tempting for the curious girl.

Upon opening the box, she realized that it was not a gift but instead a curse. One that held all the horrors of the earth—misery, death, sadness. And along with them came Hope.

And then Ayato understood—not only the tale but Kaneki and the world they lived in.

Inside this world because of Pandora there is a constant collision of both good and bad, yet that young girl had not known, she had not cared what she might have found. Because it’s both. Everything is always both, good and bad. But you have to open it to find that out.

And like Pandora Ayato had opened up Kaneki, letting all that was good and bad of him fall out, and now he had to deal with the consequences; and that was okay with him. It was okay because it was Kaneki and every part of him was a part that Ayato valued and cared for.

Kaneki without this black ink of horror tainting his heart would not be the Kaneki Ayato knew; and yes call it selfish, call it cruel but Ayato was nearly…glad Kaneki had undergone all that pain for it had resulted in the only person Ayato had come to love.

Not even Kaneki when he had first been first turned a half-ghoul could’ve have wormed his way into Ayato’s heart and certainly not when he was human.

Only this Kaneki, the one that had his hand secured tightly around Ayato’s esophagus, could do the things he did to him.

This realization hit Ayato harder than any other had before, and he knew, _he knew,_ that there was no possibility in the future where he could escape and runaway from Kaneki forever—at least not one where he would be happy.

So he would stay; for once in his life he would stay, and fight for somebody else’s sake.

Kaneki started to press forward, his face coming awfully close to Ayato’s. Ayato pressed his hand against Kaneki’s chest, not to push him away but to stall him.

“Ka..neki,” he struggled to speak with the force coiled around his throat.

“Kaneki…please list-ten to me,” his voice seemed to frighten Kaneki, if only enough to not attack. Perhaps, he recognized Ayato’s voice and in the back of his mind, the only sane part left, he knew it was Ayato and was horrified of what he was doing.

This propelled Ayato to continue. “Y-You told me you loved me…Back in the forest that nigh—you held me and you t-told me you loved me.”

Kaneki’s hold on his throat tightened slightly and then loosened, almost as if he was giving a warning.

“I know you love me,” Ayato wheezed out.

This did not settle well with the kakuja; Ayato felt a tentacle lace up his forearm and squeeze it with an immense pressure until there was the cracking, grinding sound of his bones breaking.

He gasped out in pain, tears collecting in his eyes, but the pain only surged him forward. “Don’t do this—not because I want to live…it’ll tear you apart.”

The pressure returned to his limp arm, making his broken bones push against each other, grating against the other and it left an agonizing effect.

Gritting his teeth, Ayato said, “You’re not the monster everyone makes you out to be Kaneki!” He grunts against the pain, “You…re not this monster you make yourself believe you are.”

The tentacle slipped away from his broken forearm, letting it slump backwards limply.

He sighed in relief and continued. “Please, Kaneki,” he looked at Kaneki for the first time since he had started talking, “you can stop fighting—stop protecting everyone else.”

Kaneki lolled his head to the side and Ayato could see the conflict flicker across the half-ghoul’s face. His mind brightened with hope.

“You don’t have to get stronger for anyone anymore! You don’t need to be stronger for me—you don’t have to do anything for me except stay with me.”

“Please, Kaneki I need you.”

Fresh tears glide down his face and he strains against Kaneki’s looser, yet still firm chokehold, and pushes his face against Kaneki’s, their noses pushing against each other’s.

“I can’t do this without you Ken.”

Kaneki’s head snaps back rapidly, almost painful to watch. He lets go of Ayato and staggers backward until he falls to his knees.

He groans sorrowfully and presses the heels of his hands into his eyes; Ayato watches him warily.

Kaneki reaches out for him and Ayato wants to do the same and run into his embrace and hold him, but he knows he can’t. He presses his arms against the wall, as if to stabilize them.

Kaneki pulls his arms back quickly, keening mournfully and Ayato watches as Kaneki battles himself.

And suddenly he lunges forward and backward as well, almost as if he was a dog on a leash being restricted by his own will. He locks eyes with Ayato and these tears stained eyes stare back, begging him for something Ayato couldn’t understand.

He keeps his gaze on Ayato as he places his quivering hand under his chin and with one quick motion snaps his head to the side, eliciting a sickening crunch in the air as his neck is broken and his body falls limp on the ground.

It takes Ayato a few moments to register what just happened. He slouches against the wall, staring at the lifeless body in front of him.

His vision blurs with tears and there are wails collecting in the back of his throat; he raises his one functional hand to his mouth and presses against it hard, hoping to restrain himself from screaming in pain, in agony, this terrible terrible agony that seeped into his chest.

He pushes forward, falling on his one sustainable elbow, and his gut churns painfully and he can hear his won blood spilling onto the ground below. He inches his way over to Kaneki until he’s basically on top of him. He sobs into his chest and tries to pick up the white-haired boy’s head but it’s bent at a deadly angle and Ayato is too weak to try and correct it.

His mind races, thinking that this possibly can’t be real, that this couldn’t have happened.

He had been prepared for his own death, but not Kaneki’s.

His fingers clench around the fabric of Kaneki’s clothing and he lets out an unearthly drone before he lays his head back against Kaneki’s chest.

And then his cries stilled and his eyes widened, because in that moment he had heard something.

He pressed his ear against Kaneki’s sternum and with renewed tears he listens to the steady rhythm of a heartbeat.

\--

After what seemed like hours of Ayato sobbing into Kaneki’s limp, yet very much alive body, he gathers the strength to push himself off.

He looks down at Kaneki’s face and smiles sadly.

His white hair was feathered around his face like a white halo and his cheekbones strut out from his face like milk-white bones underneath paper, and his lips are chewed and torn and bloody and there are stains dripping down his chin yet Ayato cannot help but smile. Because Kaneki looked peaceful and it was the first time Ayato had really looked at Kaneki and was able to take him in.

He was ethereal with the way his skin shone flawlessly in the moonlight and his light eyelashes framed his closed orbs like new-fallen snow.

Ayato bends over, ignoring the pain the shot up from his stomach, and pressed a warm kiss on the cool skin of Kaneki’s forehead.

He leans back and looks up at the sky and thanks the stars for this blessing, because he did not believe in Gods or a God no matter how much he enjoyed the mythology. He thanks the stars because they are the only constant appearances in a person’s life; they are the only ones that never leave and one can rely on, knowing that as the day passed and sun disappeared under the horizon that the stars would always appear.

There are new tears forming in his eyes and he pushes his left arm to wipe them away. That simple action reminds him of how badly injured he was; he needed to heal, quickly, if he wanted to get the both of them out of here without anybody noticing.

His vision drifts to the side where the body of the female ghoul lay next to the barely touched corpse of the human.

He crawls on weak knees and almost collapses once he reaches the corpse. Steadying his hand above the meat, he takes one quick glance back at Kaneki. He smiles and leans down.

\--

Ayato cupped his hand in the water, lifted it and rubbed at his arms, watching as the dirt and grime was washed into the stream. Red danced, swirling, slowly dissipating until it had become a part of the clear liquid, vanishing from Ayato’s clothes, body, skin, mouth.

Shifting back on the balls of his feet he pulled his shirt quickly over his head and kneeled by the river again. He dunked the material in and out, ringing it with his hands over and over again until it had returned to its natural color.

He sighed, his body and mind drenched with exhaust and looked over his shoulder. Sure enough nothing had changed. The forest was still lit brightly with sun, brimming with the sounds of birds and creatures, none he could see at the moment. Kaneki still lay in the same position Ayato had set him in; his back propped upright against a boulder, his head hung, his hands limp in his lap.

Ayato stood up, his face contorting momentarily at the slight discomfort he still felt in his stomach. It had only been five hours since he had left the city with Kaneki on his back and his body was still healing. He walked over to Kaneki and sat on the ground next him. Ayato gently repositioned the unconscious man until his head lied in Ayato’s lap.

With his wet shirt in hand he started to softly rub away all the dried blood that stained Kaneki’s porcelain skin.

Kaneki didn’t move, he was too lost in his own mind.

Ayato wondered what was happening up in there; why it was taking him so long to wake up and what could he possibly be thinking that would cause him to be in this state in the first place.

He trailed the shirt down Kaneki’s neck, slowly, making sure he cleaned of all the crimson that had pooled there.

Ayato wondered how he would be when he woke up—if he would be the same or if he would be…broken again. He wondered how Kaneki would react to seeing him.

He’d probably freak out, burst in tears, and apologize a thousand times. Maybe Kaneki would try to convince Ayato that he would be safer if they weren’t together any longer, as a way of keeping the boy at arm’s length and far from Kaneki’s unpredictability.

He snorted at the thought. There was a fat chance that Ayato would ever let that happen—not after everything he had done for this asshole.

He smiled, his hand stilling from its work of cleansing. It really was such a Kaneki thing to do, to suggest such a thing.

Ayato exhaled and thought to himself sarcastically, _I guess I just know you too well dumbass._

Ayato frowned. He had been wondering all this time about how Kaneki would react when he woke up but he had never thought about what how he might react.

He was afraid almost.

Not of Kaneki, of course, or what he might say. Ayato supposed he was fearful of the confrontation that was bound to happen.

“Aya…”

Ayato focused on Kaneki and cupped his face in his hands, his eyes filled with hope, excitement, and a tint of sadness.

“Ayato…”

The boy leaned in closer; Kaneki’s voice was a whisper above audible.

“Run.”

Ayato retracted quickly and stared down at Kaneki warily. He was still unconscious, meaning that he had probably been dreaming.

Ayato lifted Kaneki off of him, and half dragged half carried him to the cave he had found. It wasn’t exactly a cave; really it was more a weirdly big dent in rock that was large enough for the both of them to move in comfortably.

He took back his shirt to rinse it again in the water. He let it out to dry and zipped up his jacket.

Ayato looked back at Kaneki before he left to search for wood; he might be a ghoul but he still needed to keep warm.

 

 

By the time Ayato had returned and had lit a fire it was already dusk, and Kaneki had still not woken. Sleep started to pull at his lids.

Ayato scooted towards Kaneki—for warmth, obviously. He turned to face the other ghoul and watched as the orange hue of the fire danced across the boy’s face, brightening parts of it and darkening others.

“You better wake up soon, Eyepatch,” he muttered sleepily, his eyes already closed. “It’s starting to get boring here without you…”

 

 

When Ayato woke, the sun was set high in the sky burning a white hole in the middle of the blue sky and the night’s fire had turned to smolders. He squinted and draped his arm over his face.

He was surprised Kaneki hadn’t woken him up by now; that bastard usually did.

He quickly looked over to his side, but Kaneki eyes were still closed, and when Ayato attempted to shake him awake he didn’t budge. He started to wonder if he would ever see those gunmetal grey eyes again.

He pouted sourly, his head racked with a sudden despair.

What if Kaneki never woke up?

He was half-human. Things like this happen to humans—where they fall asleep and never wake up; comas they were called.

He wondered if that’s what was happening to Kaneki. Usually, humans would be hospitalized in that case but going to a hospital seemed out of the question, unless it was one that specialized in the care of half-ghouls.

Ayato’s stomach twisted painfully and for once it had nothing to do with being impaled by crazy, female ghouls.

He wondered if this is how it felt for people when they missed someone. If that was the case then it was terribly awful, to worry and care and yearn so much for someone.

Even in the fleeting moments where he would long to visit his sister, it never felt like this. It never felt like there was something lodged somewhere in his cavities, something he couldn’t reach couldn’t yank out, something that filled him with this utter discomfort and distress.

He rolled away from Kaneki and tried to shake away this feeling that was crawling up his spine.

He walked towards the entrance of the hollow and leaned against the cool stone.

If this is how he felt when Kaneki was just taking an abnormally long nap then how would he deal with Kaneki dying? It was always a possibility and it was apparent that the poor boy attracted danger and death.

Ayato felt something tug harshly inside his chest. He scrunched up his face in distaste and balled his fists.

No, he didn’t have to worry about that, because he wouldn’t let that damn fool die.

If there was anything that Ayato was. It was stubborn and there was no way in hell that he’d let that happen.

He heard a certain groan from behind him and he quickly rushed back into the cave.

Kaneki was sitting up, his hand rubbing at the side of his head as if it was hurt.

When his eyes met Ayato’s, they were wide with shock and fear.

Ayato grinned giddily, “Welcome back to the life of the living, Sleeping Beauty.”

\--

Ayato stretched his back and listened to the wonderful cracks and pops the action elicited. Touka always chastised him for doing it, saying that one day when he was older he’d end up breaking his bones; the real reason for her scowling was that she found the sound revolting. Ayato always liked to tease her by cracking his knuckles by her ears; she’d always punch him.

The thought brought a smile to his face. It quickly vanished once he realized he had been _smiling_ because of his _sister._

He looked over his shoulder at Kaneki. He was bent over by the river, peering into the water as if he was watching something.

“You know maybe if you stare into the water hard enough, it’ll grow a pair of eyes and stare back at you,” he remarked sarcastically.

Kaneki tossed a smile over his shoulder. “I highly doubt that would work, Ayato-kun, but I do applaud your imagination.”

Kaneki’s eyes twinkled slightly as he spoke and it made Ayato feel sick in his stomach. He had really missed Kaneki’s stupid statements and his fascination for quotes. He had missed how he smiled at Ayato with fond eyes or how he would always cock his head to the side when he was thinking.

Really, he had just missed Kaneki as a whole.

Ayato smirked. “I have to have a grand imagination and make up for your lack of one,” he tossed a rock in the air as he spoke.

Kaneki turned around and rolled his eyes at Ayato.

The dark-haired boy pouted. “Don’t roll your eyes at me young man; it’s disrespectful.” He threw the rock with remarkable speed, aiming for Kaneki’s head.

Kaneki caught it, but Ayato wasn’t surprised—disappointed that he couldn’t see it hit the half-ghoul’s head? Yes.

Kaneki took a step forward and another until he was very much in Ayato’s personal space.

He flipped the stone over in his palm and looked up at the boy. “Last time I checked I was older than you.”

Ayato snaked his arms around Kaneki’s waist playfully almost happy to be able to touch him again. “Yes, you’re right. You’re just an old, senile man aren’t you?” Ayato smirked and his eyes widened as if he had just thought of something hilarious. “Really, it’s like you’re a pervert,” he slipped his hand under Kaneki’s shirt, “preying on the youth, stealing their virginity and purity.”

Kaneki frowned greatly, his face a few shades warmer than they were before. “You very willingly offered your ‘purity’ to me Aya. Besides, I can’t quite steal your virginity when I, myself, was a virgin.”

Ayato quirked an eyebrow, slightly astonished by Kaneki’s words. Yet, at the same time it made sense. It wasn’t like Kaneki had much time since he turned into a ghoul to mess around with someone, and something told Ayato that human-Kaneki wasn’t terribly outgoing.

Speaking for himself, Ayato had never really trusted anyone enough to sleep with; really before Kaneki he had too much hatred and disgust for everyone he knew to fuck them.

Ayato nestled into the crook of Kaneki’s neck. “How sweet…” He purred.

Kaneki was silent and when Ayato glanced up at him he looked like he was bothered by his thoughts.

“Ayato…” Kaneki’s fingers fidgeted at Ayato’s hips. “I think we should talk.”

Ayato pulled back from the half-ghoul quickly, knowing exactly what it was that Kaneki wanted to talk about.

“You’re right,” he said excitingly and grabbed Kaneki’s hand, “I think we should get a room at a hotel. I really didn’t enjoy the rain—it was fucking awful honestly.”

He started to pull Kaneki until they were walking side by side, hands joint. 

He continued to ramble, trying to steer Kaneki off course. “And I’m getting tired of feeling like a wild animal,” he chuckled to himself, “although, I’m sure that’s what the humans think of us. It would be nice to be in the same place for a while and you know not in the woods or in a random shack.”

“I think a hotel would do fine, unless you can manage to worm us into another apartment like you did in Tokyo. I still haven’t figured that one out. But a hotel would do fine for now,” he glanced at Kaneki’s stone face.

“That is if you want to stay here. I like it here; it’s nice and quiet and there are enough tourists to munch on without anyone notic—

Kaneki tugged at Ayato’s hand, stopping them both. “Ayato, you’re just avoiding the subject. You know what I want to speak of…and you’re talking but it’s more like you’re talking at me than to me.” Kaneki paused and Ayato could tell he was going to continue so he spoke up.

“Okay, okay. Fine.”

Kaneki looked relieved and opened his mouth to speak but Ayato interrupted him.

“Once we get to the hotel.”

Kaneki’s face fell but he didn’t bring up the subject again.

\--

Thrumming his fingers against the desk he waited for the lady to attend to them. The small, mousy female spotted them waiting and immediately let go of the papers she held in her hands and shuffled over to them.

She smiled at them but it was a tight-lipped one, one of exhaust from dealing with costumers all day.

“Hello, how may I help you?” She asked in choppy English.

Ayato shook his head. “We speak Japanese.”

The woman looked relieved.

“Can we get a room for the next week?” Kaneki asked politely. Ayato looked over at him in shock; he was surprised Kaneki hadn’t stayed silent during the transaction like he had the walk here.

He huffed in annoyance.

 _He’ll talk to strangers but not to me._ No of course, Kaneki only wanted to talk to Ayato about the only thing Ayato didn’t want to speak of.

The woman nodded at Kaneki and started typing away into the computer. “One bedroom, two beds, one bathroom?” She posed the statement as a question for them.

“That’ll be fine.” Kaneki said.

“What name is the room under?”

“Kamio Shiro.” Kaneki said without hesitation.

The woman nodded and handed them two room keys. “Your room is 531, enjoy your stay.”

They both nodded and walked into the elevator.

Once the doors closed Ayato smirked at Kaneki. “Shiro? Really?”

Kaneki shrugged. “It was the first thing that popped to mind.”

“Yeah maybe that’s because your mind has a direct connection to your white hair, Shiro-san.” Ayato didn’t miss the way Kaneki’s lips twitched momentarily into something that resembled a smile.

The rest of the ride up to their room was silent. Once they were inside and had looked around their room, Ayato immediately sneaked into the bathroom and locked the door before Kaneki could protest.

He shook his clothes off, stretching his sore muscles and waited for the water of his shower to warm up.

His shower was unnecessarily long and he spent most of thinking of ways to get out of confronting Kaneki, but he was glad he had. It had been far too long since he had taken a bath in something that wasn’t a river or pond and it felt nice to wash away all the dirt and grime.

Once he was out he wrapped a towel firmly around his waist and dried himself off. He dressed quickly and once he was done took a look in the mirror. His hair was flat from the water and it clung to his forehead and neck; he made a mental note to cut it soon. His cheeks were a bit red and puffy from where he had scrubbed too hard and there were dark bags under his eyes from lack of rest.

He tore his gaze away from his reflection and stepped out of the bathroom.

At first glance it looked like Kaneki was sleeping and it sent a shock of fright down Ayato’s spine to see the boy’s eyes shut again, but upon closer inspection, Kaneki was just lying on his back staring at the ceiling.

He grabbed his jacket and pulled it on. “I’m going to go get food, it’s been a while since we both ate.”

Kaneki moved to get up.

“Uh…maybe you should stay here,” Ayato said cautiously.

A look of hurt crossed Kaneki’s face once he realized what Ayato meant by that and Ayato wanted to reach out, hug him, kiss him, comfort him in some way, because he hadn’t meant it to come out so harsh. But he didn’t. Instead he turned around and left.

\--

Ayato exhaled deeply, sighing out white puffs of cold air. He leaned against a lamp post and watched as people shuffled through the busy, yet quiet street. He let his head rest against the cool metal of the post and closed his eyes, trying to calm his racing thoughts.

“Tough day?”

He opened his eyes slightly and lolled his head to the side to look at the woman speaking to him.

She was sitting on a bench; her legs where crossed and she was leaning forward as she took a drag of her cigarette.

“Tough week—tough year.” He responded with softly.

She scoffed and gave a slight kick of her skinny leg. “Tell me about it.”

Ayato nodded and walked around the bench to sit next to her.

She glanced at him and pulled something out of her coat pocket. It was a pack of cigarettes and she was handing him one now; she had already lit it with end of her own.

He took it and a deeply inhaled, missing the taste of the tobacco.

“So what has you here sympathizing with a stranger?” Ayato asked curiously.

There was an upturn at the corners of her lips. “Well, I decided to visit my family; they’re always hounding me about staying too long in Tokyo and working too hard.”

What she explained made sense; she was wearing a pencil skirt and a grey tight-fitted blazer and by her posture and attitude she seemed like she spends eight to ten hours a day pent up in an office.

“But all they’ve done since I arrived is nag me about needing a husband and quitting my job to stay at home. “It doesn’t matter anyways you’re rich enough to stop now and be comfortable for the rest of your life. Why not do it with a good, reliable man at your side?”” The woman mimicked what Ayato supposed was her parents.

She smiled sourly. “I don’t know how to tell them that I already quit my job but it was because I’m moving to America with my girlfriend.”

Ayato let out an earthly howl of laughter, making him cough from the smoke of his cigarette.

He grinned at the woman next to him. “Well, it sounds like you’ve got them beat already.”

She smiled tightly back and returned to smoking. “What about you? Surely someone as young as you can’t be too troubled.”

Ayato licked his lips, already dry from the cigarette.

“My mother died shortly after I was born; can’t remember her and my father abandoned me and my sister when I was six and made me promise to protect my sister,” he took a long drag before he continued, “I don’t get along with her at all. She’s uptight and thinks that I’m always up to no good. I ended up with…the wrong crowd I guess and I was with them for a while and then I met my boyfriend. We decided to run away and that didn’t make the people I worked for happy and I’m sure they’re going to try and hunt us down and kill us.”

He was a bit apprehensive of using the word 'boyfriend' but it was so much easier to use it in the context of his story. He smiled softly; the word was so human. It felt good to be a part of something normal. 

The woman watched him with wide but understanding eyes.

“But the reason I’m here,” he flicked his cigarette watching the embers fly off, “Is that I got into a fight with my…boyfriend and then there were these things that happened that were out of his control but he still blames himself. He wants to talk to me but I’ve too afraid to confront the situation so I keep pushing it off and I told him I was going to get food approximately…two hours ago.”

The woman next to him threw her cigarette on the ground and crushed it under foot. “Well,” she said slowly, “it seems like all you have to do is talk to him.”

Ayato pouted.

“Look it seems like you’ve been running away your whole life. Do you really want to run away from someone you obviously love?” She tilted her head to the side to look at him.

“Okay, yeah,” he said simply.

She patted her thighs and got up. “Now I’m going to talk to my parents and then I’m going to call my girlfriend and tell her I love her, and you are going to go talk to your boyfriend and tell him you love him too.” She smiled widely, animated and lively and completely unrecognizable to how she was a few minutes ago.

Ayato couldn’t help but smile back at her. “Okay.”

He watched her walk away and tossed her advice around in his head. He took one last inhale from the stump of a cigarette in his fingers and flicked it on the ground. He was about to stand up when his eyes drifted to a certain couple in the street.

They looked desperate as they stopped strangers and asked them if they’d seen the child on the picture.

Ayato turned around, forgetting the couple, and started searching for a place that sold coffee.

About twenty minutes down the road he found a small cart that sold various beverages. He was standing in line now, his mind half occupied with what to order and also going over his conversation with the lady.

Half a year ago he wouldn’t have even attempted to hold a conversation with a stranger and with a human at that. But he had changed in the last few months and he wondered why and he wondered who had caused it.

He wondered how much Kaneki had changed him without Ayato noticing. He wondered if Kaneki even realized the affect he had on Ayato or if he too was lost in the progress.

When he was about to order he realized he had no money; he had to sate his appetite some other way.

Ayato turned around when he heard a small whimper. It was loud and stood out from the rest of the crowd but when he looked up it seemed like nobody had noticed.

And there it was again.

He started to stalk towards the sound, drawn to it. It led him to a park and there on the edge of a fountain sat a small crying girl.

He looked around and tried to spot her parents but no one was in sight. He walked towards the girl and crouched to her eye level.

“Hi.”

She looked at him and stopped crying.

“What’s your name?” Ayato asked kindly.

She sniffled and rubbed at her right eye. “Riley.”

Ayato was surprised by the name; it sounded western. He took a second look at her and although she had black hair and dark eyes she didn’t look completely Japanese. But she understood him.

“Hi, Riley my names Ayato,” he smiled at her softly and she quickly returned it.

“Are you lost?”

She nodded sheepishly.

“I think I know where your parents are.”

“Really?!” She asked excitedly.

Ayato nodded and held out a hand to her. “I can take you to them.”

She grabbed his hand and started to follow him.

“Where are you from Riley?”

She swung their conjoined hands. “I live in England but my daddy’s from here so they took me here because it’s my tenth birthday!”

Ayato smiled at her, wondering if Kaneki was good with kids. He seemed like he would be; he'd probably want to be a father someday.

“Ayato-san?” She asked curiously after they had been walking for a few minutes in silence.

“Yes?”

“Are you a fairy?” She asked seriously.

Ayato laughed; he had not been expecting that. “What makes you think that?”

She grinned. “Because Ayato-san has blue hair and is really pretty and nice.”

He looked at her dumbfounded before he smiled and kneeled next to her. He motioned for her to come closer as if he was about to tell her a secret.

“Don’t tell anyone.”

Her face brightened with excitement and awe. “So you are a fairy?” She asked in a hushed voice.

He nodded. “Yes. I live in the forest outside of town.” He stood up and continued walking with Riley, amused by humoring the child.

“Are there other fairies?”

He nodded. “Of course. There are many in Japan. I live here with one. His name's Ken and at night we come out to help lost children like you find their families.”

She stared up him in admiration. “Is Ken-san your boyfriend?”

Ayato nodded.

“But boys have cooties!” She complained. “Except you, but maybe that’s because you’re a fairy.”

Ayato chuckled at her. "How'd you know?"

She stared at him slightly befuddled like the answer was one so obvious she wasn't sure why he was asking her. "You were smiling when you talked about him."

"Oh," he replied intelligently. Warmth spread throughout his cheeks and he was slightly amazed that it was at the hand of a ten year old.

“Ayato-san what is your boyfriend like?”

He smiled fondly, thinking of Kaneki. “Well he has white hair and grey eyes and he’s really special because he’s half-human and half-fairy. But you can’t tell anyone because it’s a secret.” He lifted his finger to his lips.

Riley nodded in all seriousness.

Ayato stopped and Riley looked at him in confusion. He pointed to the couple he had seen earlier and asked, “Are those your parents?”

Riley turned and her eyes widened. “Mama! Papa!”

The couple turned around, relief and happiness apparent on their faces and embraced the girl. The mother bent down and cupped Riley’s face in her hand and began talking to her in another language; Ayato assumed it was English.

“Otou-san! This is Ayato, he helped me find you!” Riley explained enthusiastically.

Her father looked at him with appreciative eyes. “Thank you so much. I cannot express my gratitude.”

Ayato simply nodded at him.

The mother hit the father’s arm lightly and said something to him in English as she started rummaging through her bag.

She pulled out a large wad of cash and held it out to Ayato, smiling.

Ayato looked at the father questioningly.

“My wife would like to reward you. Please take it; money is nothing to us without our daughter,” the man smiled warmly at Ayato.

Ayato took the money and pocketed it, still in slight shock; he hadn’t counted the money but it was more than he had ever seen anyone hold in their hands at a time. It seemed like he was bound to run into several wealthy people today.

Riley let go of her parents and hugged Ayato tightly around the waist. Ayato bent down to hug her back and when he did she leaned into him and whispered, “Thank you Ayato-san. I hope I see you again and if I do bring Ken-san! I want to meet more fairies.”

He nodded as he pulled away from her.

Her dad handed him a slip of paper and he took it without a second thought. “If you ever need anything give us a call. We are more than in debt to you. Thank you again young man.”

“Of course. It’s only what anyone would do.” Ayato said goodbye to them once more and waved at Riley before he started to walk away, feeling much more elated than he had in a long time.

He started to return to the hotel when he felt his stomach growl with hunger. He took the money out of his pocket and a sudden idea hit him.

He wandered for a bit before he found a fast food restaurant, where he bought a bunch of food. He grabbed the bag of food, grimacing at the smell it emitted and started to walk far from the town. Along the way he emptied the bag and its contents but kept it and the containers as well.

Ayato walked, searching, for what felt like hours. He was about to give up when he stumbled upon something peculiar.

It was the only house around with its lights on and there was audible conflict inside. He stopped and watched curiously as a woman was kicked out of the house by a shouting teenager with a broom stick.

The woman stumbled, a bottle of liquor in herhand and yelled at the girl as she closed the door on her face.

Ayato chuckled to himself and watched the drunk woman talk to herself, complaining about her daughter. He followed the oblivious drunk until they were far from all of the houses.

He rolled his shoulders and let his kagune slip out. He sighed with relief at the feeling of spreading his wings, their flames licking the night air.

The woman turned and when she saw Ayato there was a look of sheer terror on her face—one that ran a wave of thrill through Ayato from the missed familiarity of ripping someone to pieces.

\--

Ayato threw the door of the hotel room open giddy with joy, a slight jump in his walk.

He hadn’t felt this pleased in a long while.

Kaneki jumped slightly in his seat from the sound of the door slamming. When he saw it was Ayato his body eased but he watched the boy with caution and a bit of irritation.

“Where have you been?” The half-ghoul asked with crossed arms.

Ayato felt a little bit like a teenager coming home late from curfew. He grinned at Kaneki and threw the heavy fast-food takeout bag at him.

Kaneki opened it warily, glancing at Ayato every now and then, and pulled out the containers.

He arched his brow when he saw the sticky red fingerprints along the sides of the white containers. He didn’t even open them before he set them aside, seeming like he already knew the gifts Ayato had brought him.

“Did you spend all night killing?” Kaneki questioned the grinning boy. He sounded tired and Ayato felt guilt creeping up his spine, knowing he was the reason for Kaneki’s exhaust.

He shook his head. “I met a lot of rich humans today and one of them was the lost daughter of two very appreciative parents.” Ayato pulled out the wad of cash to further display what he meant. He threw it on the bed and Kaneki glanced at it once before his eyes were back on Ayato.

He frowned, his brows knitted and walked quickly over to the ghoul.

He lifted the boys forearm up. “You’re bleeding,” Kaneki stated worriedly.

Ayato shook his arm away. “Yeah, that lady put up a fight—bitch bit me.”

Kaneki eyed him. “But you’re okay?”

Ayato looked at him warmly with endearment; it was cute when Kaneki was worried about him.

“I’m fine, Kaneki, really.” He moved past the half-ghoul and sat on a bed.

Kaneki stayed where he was; his gaze kept to the ground. Ayato could hear the smoking woman’s voice in the back of his head, telling him to confront Kaneki; she had made it seem so easy and in that moment Ayato had believed her. He truly had, but now sitting here in his proximity, breathing the same air the circulated through the man’s lungs, Ayato was scared again.

Kaneki had such a big essence, his light could fill an empty room, brightening every single corner and fracture. His darkness had the same effect, obscuring everything, enveloping you in its tight arms making you feel asphyxiated. Both would alert you of his presence the second he entered a room, and that presence was what had made Ayato despise him so. He would humor himself saying it was because Kaneki was just annoying and utterly boring or it was because he was an abomination of sorts.

At first that’s what he seemed like, but ever since he had…changed, everything about him was different and he became so overwhelming.

Everything thing about Kaneki overwhelmed Ayato.

How was he supposed to confront him?

Ayato didn’t confront situations or people—he was a coward; all he knew how to do was lie, run, and kill. But Kaneki—Kaneki wanted to _teach_ him things to make Ayato different like he was. How could you teach someone something if they’ve never known how to learn?

“Ayato I was talking to you.”

Ayato looked up, confused. “What? You were?”

Kaneki sighed and looked up like he was praying to God because he could no longer deal with Ayato.

“Yes I was, but you weren’t listening. You never do,” Kaneki said the last part under his breath.

Anger boiled in Ayato’s stomach. “Look if you have something to say then just fucking say it,” he spat.

Kaneki blinked at him like he was in disbelief of what he had just heard. He laughed sardonically. “I have been trying to talk to you ever since I woke up but you kept avoiding the subject.”

Ayato clenched his jaw. “I don’t know why you want to talk about it so badly. There’s nothing to discuss.”

Kaneki ran a hand through his hair, his fingers feathering the white strands, letting them fall disheveled; Ayato couldn’t help but watch the action.

“Nothing to discuss? How could you say that?”

Ayato exhaled in vexation and stood up. “What do you want to talk about?”

Kaneki stared back at him coldly and that look— _that look_ was something Ayato always hated about Kaneki. With that one expression he could make Ayato feel like nothing, inferior, like he was pitied.

“What do you want to talk about, Kaneki?” He waved his hands in frustration.

He walked up to Kaneki and jabbed his chest with his pointed finger. “You want to talk about how we ran away from Aogiri and how they’re probably hunting us down this very minute waiting for the moment that they get to skin us alive?!”

He walked closer to Kaneki forcing him to take a step back. He could feel his anger cause black ink to seep into his eyes and change his irises into a bright furious red.

“You want to talk about how you’re trying to turn into a Kakuja?”

Kaneki deadpanned from the accusation.

Ayato smiled sourly. “Because I have a fucking lot to say about that.”

He pushed Kaneki closer to the wall until the half-ghoul’s heels touched the framework.

“What the fuck were you thinking?! I know you’re new to this whole ghoul thing but you had to have known about this.”

Kaneki’s jaw tightened visibly as he spoke. “I did it because I needed to get stronger. You know that; that’s why I joined Aogiri in the first place.”

“Get stronger for who?”

“For the people I love!” Kaneki yelled back. “I’m sick of watching people around me die because I couldn’t do anything to save them, Ayato.”

Kaneki’s eyes shown bright, watery, but he didn’t cry. “I need to get stronger to protect them. To protect you. Do you know how badly it would destroy me if I lost you?” Kaneki leaned into Ayato, his hot breath dancing over the boy’s cheeks.

“Who burdened you with that duty? Kaneki, you don’t have to protect everyone around you. It’s not your fucking job—its nobodies fucking job. Shit happens because shit happens.”

“You really think you’d be good to anyone when you can’t even control yourself?”

Kaneki rocked his head back against the wall with a loud thud.

“For fuck’s sake you almost killed me—but you didn’t because you tried to kill yourself instead,” Ayato could feel his eyes brimming with unanticipated tears.

“Do you want to talk about that?” A tear rolled down his cheek and his voice was barely a croak.

Kaneki looked at him with this undeniable guilt and Ayato almost felt bad; he hadn’t wanted to do that but he needed Kaneki to understand how he felt.

“Fuck. Kaneki you were ready to give me up—to leave, to die. How could you do that to me—to yourself? Don’t you want to live; hell after everything you’ve been through if you weren’t fighting to live then I don’t know what the hell you even were aiming for.”

Kaneki brought a hand to Ayato’s face and thumbed the tears away from his face. “Ayato, I…”

Ayato locked eyes with him. “I can’t lose you, Ken. You can’t be that selfless. I need you to be okay. I need you to be here with me.”

He pressed his hand against Kaneki’s chest and hung his head. He wasn’t sure if he held his hand there to keep Kaneki at bay or to keep himself from collapsing on the ground in a heap of tears or if he truly just wanted to feel the man’s heartbeat thrum underneath his fingertips as a reminder that he was alive and that Ayato hadn’t lost him yet.

Kaneki lifted his chin with his finger and rested his forehead against Ayato’s.

“Oh, Ayato. I’m so sorry. I didn’t—I should have known better. I’m so sorry.” Kaneki held him in his hands. One at the side of his face and the other at the base of his neck and right beneath his jawline.

He kissed Ayato’s forehead and kept his lips pressed there.

“I love you, Ayato.”

Hearing those words, for the second time, and for the longest of times forgetting the meaning because he hadn’t been told them in so long—it only made him cry harder.

He nodded against Kaneki’s chest and let himself be pushed to the nearest bed. He lied down on his side and pressed his fingers against his eyes, trying to stop the streams of tears. And eventually he did.

When he did he let his hands fall and looked at Kaneki lying next to him.

Kaneki brushed the bangs out of the boy’s face and trailed his fingers down his face.

“I’ll stop, for you.”

Ayato exhaled and relief washed over him like tidal waves.

“Thank you,” he breathed out shakily.

Kaneki looked at him with utter adore and it made Ayato’s heart clench painfully.

“I’ll always be right here,” Kaneki cupped the side of his face, “with you.”

“You promise?”

Kaneki smiled, teeth and all, which wasn’t something he did often.

“I promise.”

“Remember it,” Ayato warned playfully, “because I’ll fucking hold you to it.”

Kaneki huffed. “I know you will.”

Ayato looked at Kaneki and for a moment he contemplated before he leaned forward to kiss him. It was a soft, closed mouth kiss, but to Ayato it was the most powerful one they had shared.

He pulled away to look at Kaneki’s exuberant expression.

“What are you grinning about, shit-face?”

Kaneki bit the corner of his lip and Ayato’s eyes were drawn towards the action.

“You called me Ken.”

Ayato rolled his eyes and let out an exaggerated, “Oh my god, you’re such a dork.”

Kaneki’s eyes widened fractionally. “This an accomplishment for me Ayato. It almost feels as good as if you had said I love you.”

Ayato flushed red. “Shut up.”

Kaneki chuckled and pressed his face close to Ayato’s.

“Kaneki,” he said tentatively, “Please don’t ever try to sacrifice yourself for me or anyone else like that again.”

Kaneki opened his mouth and then shut it, looking like he wanted to refute but deemed it better not to.

“I won’t.”

He kissed the corner of Ayato’s lips.

“I have something to live for,” he stared into Ayato’s eyes.

Ayato gripped the fabric of Kaneki’s shirt and burrowed his head into his chest—mostly because he couldn’t handle looking at him any longer without combusting.

He wasn’t sure he got along with love. It was too painful for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aha you can totally tell how lazy I got at the end. whoops


	6. Halcyon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Halcyon: denoting a period of time in the past that was idyllically happy and peaceful

Ayato awoke in the middle of the night.

His head was dreary with exhaust and his lips were stuck together dryly. He knew it was night because when he opened his eyes he didn’t instantly close them again from the blinding sun. Now instead the hotel room was basked in an azure light, dim from the dusk hours, and quiet aside from his own measured breaths.

When he shifted in the beds he realized he was alone and the spot next to him was rather cold and vacant as it was when they first entered the room. He sat up and scanned the room quickly, his heart rate slowing when his eyes fell upon the person he was searching for.

“Did I wake you up? Sorry.” Kaneki was perched on the windowsill, watching him with worried eyes.

Ayato shook his head.

When Kaneki realized he wasn’t going to speak he turned back to face the window and stared out it for seemingly no reason. Ayato watched him for a moment wondering what he was doing and why he needed to do it in the middle of the night.

“Do you do that a lot?” He asked finally; his curiosity getting the better of him.

“Sometimes.” Kaneki’s voice was low, a mere mutter, and he didn’t take his eyes off the window this time around.

“What are you thinking about?” Ayato’s fingers fumbled with the blankets that pooled in his lap.

Kaneki was silent for a while before he replied simply with, “You.”

Ayato snorted at the claim and was about to respond with something pert or rude but he stopped himself, thinking that it could be true and it wasn’t because Kaneki was a romantic.

He ran a hand through his hair, letting out a long yawn, distressed a little, knowing that it would take him ages to fall back asleep. He laid back down, facing Kaneki with his head at the foot of the bed and his head finding purchase on his forearms.

“Do you ever worry about them?” His words felt louder this time; not necessarily because he spoke louder but he carried his words with more confidence and comfort.

Ayato knew immediately who Kaneki spoke off.

He pursed his lips tightly as if he had taken a regrettable mouthful of lemons.

“Why would I worry about them?” His tone was a bit agitated for he was agitated; these weren’t the things he’d like to discuss in the middle of the night—not that he wanted to be awake at this time in the first place.

Kaneki seemed like he didn’t have a response for this or at least not one he would voice. He just continued to look out the window at God knows what.

Ayato sighed when he realized that Kaneki had in a way dismissed him, saying their conversation was over and done for. He settled himself back in bed, this time facing away from Kaneki and pulled the covers close.

He shut his eyes tight and kept them this way even though he never fell back asleep.

\--

Ayato dragged his feet begrudgingly across the concrete ground as he shuffled through the crowd with his eyes pasted to Kaneki’s back.

It was Sunday so perhaps all the tourists were returning home—it seemed like a feasible reason for the sudden commotion on the otherwise soundless island.

Eventually, Kaneki grabbed his sleeve and dragged him away from the bustling crowd and led them to a pair of chairs outside a shop. They sat in heavy silence, both sets of orbs watching people pass by.

There was a couple that walked by grumbling at each other about being late, with their suitcases in tow.

There was an old man across the street trying to sell hand-crafted trinkets and another a few feet away attempting to sell curry buns to an impatient line of people.

Swinging her and her mother’s joined hands, a girl passed by with a big smile plastered on her face and a pink cone of ice cream in her hand that matched her dress.

He squinted his eyes at the girl and nudged Kaneki’s arm with his elbow.

“What does that taste like?”

Kaneki furrowed his brows and attempted to look at his field of vision to understand what he was referring to.

“Ice cream?”

Ayato nodded.

“It’s cold and sweet…”

Ayato glared at Kaneki with an irritated expression.

Kaneki cringed visibly. “It’s hard to explain these things that would otherwise not need explanation. It’s like trying to describe colors to someone who’s blind.”

Ayato frowned but nodded.

“Your sister asked me something similar when we first met.”

Ayato brushed off the comment, ignoring it completely. Instead he focused on the subject of human food and wondered if Kaneki ever missed it.

He supposed it would be nice to have variety like humans had.

Kaneki ran his fingers over his hand to gain his attention. “Do you still have that money?”

Ayato deadpanned. “No I spent it all on online poker.”

Kaneki snorted at the humorous comment and ushered Ayato to get up.

“Why do you need it?”

Kaneki looked up at the sky as if he was mapping the streets from the sizes of the buildings.

“We’re buying a phone.”

Ayato frowned. “Why?”

“Just trust me. You’ll like it.”

When they reached what looked like a common electronic store Kaneki steered him inside and walked straight to a specific wall that had cellphones displayed in a row.

“Didn’t you have a phone? You know, before.” Ayato asked as he looked at the different types of phones.

Kaneki nodded. “I lost it when you raided Anteiku.”

Ayato felt his fingers still where they had been reaching to pick a smartphone up.

He had almost forgotten…

“This one should do,” Kaneki waved one in front of his face. It was white and it had the design of an apple of the back.

Ayato shrugged away from him and let Kaneki deal with the payment and the general speaking and decided to play around with some of the other devices instead.

When Kaneki finally finished the tedious process he tapped Ayato’s shoulder and handed him a box.

Ayato looked at the box in his hand and followed Kaneki out of the store. He opened the box and turned the phone on and following the instructions that popped on the screen.

“Why’d you get these?” He motioned to the pair of headphones that was neatly rolled up and placed inside the box.

Kaneki smiled softly. “I have a feeling you’ll need them.”

\--

Ayato rolled onto his back attempting to untangle himself from the constricting sheets.

He held the phone above his head, his face alit from the bright screen.

He took out one of his earphones and scooted to the edge of the bed so his head hung off the side; his hair was draped, leaving his forehead bare as he stared at Kaneki upside down.

He was reading as always.

“Do you know the band the Strokes, ‘neki?”

Kaneki shook his head, a small smile tugging at his lips.

“Oh, well you should listen to them sometime.”

Kaneki set his book down and crawled into the bed Ayato was in. Ayato sat up to meet him.

“Yeah? Well maybe I can take you one day to see them.”

Ayato beamed. “Like at a concert?”

“Like at a concert,” Kaneki agreed.

Ayato grinned. “I’ve never been to one.”

“Me neither.”

Ayato smirked. “I bet you went to books signings instead.”

Kaneki’s face blanked and then he laughed sheepishly. “You know me too well.”

Ayato hummed in satisfaction and returned to fumbling with their phone. He had crossed his legs and was rummaging with the settings when his chin was tilted up. Kaneki brought his face close to his and pecked his lips softly before he pulled away.

Ayato’s ears burned brightly. “W-What was that for?” He stammered.

Kaneki cocked his head and bit his lower lip to stop himself from bursting into laughter. “Do I need a reason to kiss someone I love?”

Ayato groaned from the response and kicked Kaneki’s shin maybe a bit too harsh before he flopped onto his back and played with his phone in attempt to avoid eye contact with the half-ghoul.

Kaneki laid next to him and pulled him into a side hug. “Neh, are you embarrassed Ayato-kun?”

Ayato struggled out of his grasp and shifted away from him. “I am not _embarrassed_ , you’re just intolerable.”

Kaneki was silent and Ayato rejoiced over the small victory of getting him to leave him alone. When he looked back at Kaneki, his playful expression had been replaced by a serious, somber one, and he could only guess that that meant Kaneki wished to speak about something Ayato had no interest in discussing.

“You should call your sister.”

The question caught him a bit off guard—he hadn’t been expecting Kaneki to bring up Touka especially considering Ayato had made it clear to Kaneki just how he felt about her.

He narrowed his eyes at Kaneki and decided to humor him a bit. “Yeah? How would I do that? She doesn’t own a phone.”

“Yeah she does.”

Ayato bit his lip; he supposed there were many things he didn’t know about Touka, not that he had any interest in knowing though.

“You could call Anteiku also.”

“Why would I do that? You’re the one who got all chummy with those peace-loving freaks—not me,” he sneered and moved to get off the bed. “They can all fuck off for all I care.”

Kaneki frowned and watched him much like someone would at a dog when they refused to eat or drink water.

“Ayato, you’re being unreasonable.”

Ayato rolled his eyes and let out an exaggerated scowl. “Oh shut up, Kaneki.”

Kaneki stared at him blankly. “Why do you refuse to talk to her?”

“Because I hate her,” Ayato leered instantly.

 “That’s not true.”

Ayato glowered and ran his hands through his hair in frustration. “ _Yes it is.”_

He clenched his jaw as anger boiled in the pit of his stomach. “Look, _half-breed_ , you may think you know me so well because you fucked me a few times but you don’t. So just drop the subject,” he glanced at Kaneki, “You don’t want me near her or any of your other friends; I might end up killing them, and that’s what you’re most afraid of, isn’t it?”

Kaneki looked sullen and astonished but for the most part he looked pained, like someone had physically emptied their pistol on him.

Ayato inhaled shakily, like he was breathing with corrupted, rotten lungs and left without another word. Not that he could speak if he wanted too.

\--

He exhaled deeply, his body visibly shaking with fury, and rubbed at his eyes. He stalked through the street, running into people occasionally and glaring at them when they stared at him with open-mouths of annoyance.

He shoved his hands in his pockets and scanned the crowd; his eyes burned with hatred, tinted with bloodlust.

He hadn’t felt this way for a long time—not since before he joined Aogiri, when he wandered aimlessly, wreaking havoc through the wards of Tokyo.

Feeling the need to kill for seemingly no reason wasn’t something he was used to feeling when he was around Kaneki and it almost uncomfortable but at the same time it felt so achingly familiar and it came as almost a relief to the boy.

His eyes set on a certain group of teenagers; he watched them with distain and was about to turn away when one of them locked eyes with him and stumbled half-step. Ayato watched curiously as the boy apologized to his friends and waved goodbye to them, rambling off what had to be an excuse for the unexpected leave.

The boy with chestnut hair met his gaze again. Ayato leaned against a wall and jutted his chin out as a way of tempting the boy to come closer. And he did, but once he arrived at the same wall, Ayato had vanished and was already half-way down the street.

When he glanced back he noticed the boy beginning to follow him again; Ayato smirked. Whoever he mistook Ayato for must be someone important who he desperately needed to speak to—why else would he be so intently trying to catch up to the ghoul?

Either way he was foolish and naïve and the foolish and naïve are the best to prey on.

Ayato continued to walk farther and farther from the city, knowing that the boy would follow, until he reached a vacant area that ran in the undergrowth below several highways.

There he waited, hidden, until the boy had come into vision, standing right smack in the middle of the cleared area. Ayato darted from one column to the other, smiling gleefully to himself, relieved that he had found this place below the busy, sound-masking highways.

He stepped into view with only his top half hidden by the shadows.

The boy sputtered around and almost toppled over when he spotted Ayato.

Ayato stayed in the shadows and silently secured his mask over the bottom half of his face.

“You really have death wish, don’t you kid?” Ayato leered.

“Huh?” The boy sputtered intelligently.

“Honestly, in all my years of living I don’t think I have ever come across such a stupid human as yourself.”

The boy took a step towards him but Ayato side-stepped into the shadows until he was out of the boy’s sight and then quickly walked around him.

When the boy turned around Ayato was at the other side of the clearing, perched casually on top a tall slab of cement.

“What? Wait up you walk too fast.”

Ayato cocked his head to the side comically, eyeing the boy openly, confused on how this boy could be so persistent. Surely, any sensible person would’ve given up by now even if they were trying to reach out to a close friend. In that case wouldn’t they just reach in their pocket and send the person a text?

He yawned; it wasn’t natural instead it was forced on his behalf, particularly because it was something he did to keep people on edge when they were around him, beneath him. He was no longer conscious of these actions—it was pure habit from all his years of trying to be malicious to others.

The boy blinked at him as if he was trying to brush out debris clouding his vision and leaned forward. Or maybe he was just trying to see Ayato better in the dark.

Ayato leaned forward as well, to give the boy a better look.

Silently, without notice, the skin of his upper back began to bubble, his kagune begging from its detainment, excited by his already triggered eyes. He blinked rapidly as his night vision cleared.

The scenario was quite peculiar, especially to an outsider—watching one boy crouched, voraciously, looming over the other, his face formerly shrouded by darkness, illuminated and revealed.

The ghoul watched, amused, as the facial expressions distorted and grew horrified at the unfurling of his kagune.

He rolled his back muscles letting out a small sigh of gratification.

Correcting his posture he then pounced on the helpless boy, tumbling them both to the ground. The boy yelped under the sudden impact and leaned away from Ayato with wide eyes as the ghoul’s thumbs began to inch closer to those russet orbs.

“Wait Shion! You’re—You’re a ghoul?” His lip trembled as he spoke but his words were spoken loudly, confident almost. Enough so to make Ayato pause.

“Shion?” He asked irritated. He had been right the teenager had mistaken him for someone else but how the hell someone could fuck it up so bad? Was beyond his comprehension.

“Yes, Shion. It’s me Yuu,” he stammered, despair clinging to his words.

Yuu? The boy he had kissed on the ferry.

Ayato froze, his brain racked with sudden memories. He bit the inside of his cheek until it bled and tried to unravel the sudden hesitation that inhibited him from tearing into the boy’s jugular.

He groans in frustration and quickly scuttles off of Yuu, watching him warily.

Yuu looked afraid, most are, but the fear was tainted by a hint of interest. He lifted himself off the ground slowly, never taking his eyes off the ghoul.

Ayato shifted his weight on one foot, readying himself in case Yuu decided to make an escape.

“I—You’re,” Yuu’s eyes kept drifting behind Ayato, specifically to his shoulders and the flames that flicked out of them, “You’re beautiful.”

His was meek, small but loud enough to reach Ayato’s ears.

His face contorted in mild disgust and his jaw clenched beneath the cover of his mask. “You do know I have to kill you now.”

Yuu met his gaze again. “Wha?” he stumbled backwards, tripping on over his own meet.

Ayato widened then squinted his eyes. “You’ve seen my face before. You know what I look like, and I can’t let that happen. You’ll get me killed by the CCG,” his mind wandered to the thought of his parents and then to Kaneki, “they’ll kill everyone I know.”

Yuu frowned greatly, understanding flooding his expression. “No,” he muttered. “I wouldn’t do that, I wouldn’t put you in danger—”

Ayato’s hands fisted. “You already have.”

“Shion I—”

“My name’s not Shion.”

“Oh.”

There was a long silence that stretched between them before Ayato sighed with defeat and retracted his kagune.

“Go.”

“What?”

“Go, just get the fuck out of here before I change my mind,” Ayato half-shouted.

He grasped the front of Yuu’s shirt, crumpling it in his hand, and brought Yuu closer to him. “And don’t you go running off saying you saw a ghoul or I will kill you next time without a second thought.”

Yuu gulped, his throat bobbing from the action, and nodded.

Ayato pushed him away gently and lowered his vision. Yuu stumbled into the wall and started to walk away.

He stopped and turned. “What’s your name?”

A smile tugged at his lips, hidden by his mask. “That’s for me to know and for you to dot dot dot,” he replied smugly.

Yuu beamed, smiling brightly, as if he hadn’t just encountered a near death experience and darted off into the shadows of the bridges.

Ayato waited, grounded to the same spot until Yuu was gone, far enough that only his scent lingered.

 

 

Ayato trudged back to the hotel slowly, a bit warn out mentally from the day’s events. It was mid-afternoon when he pushed the room door open to an empty room. He loitered in the doorway deciding between staying and waiting or going out and searching.

He ended up shutting the room door for what the third time that day.

Eventually he found his way back to the section of town he was in earlier that day. And when he was by the electronic store he had been in that morning he looked around the perimeter scanning the heads of pedestrians but wasn’t able to find the one that was familiar.

With emptied hope he went to the last place he could think of.

 

 

The forest was slightly damp from the rain earlier that week and it seemed quieter than before, but that could have just been the lack of cars and the sounds of a lively town. The moon was starting to set in the sky, inching higher and higher until it was finally above the sun, waving goodbye at it as it disappeared below the belted horizon.

It was dark by the time he reached the river with the cove and midnight when he found the large boulder they had once sat on together.

Ayato scoffed in the night as he remembered how many tears he had shed while on that rock. The sound reverberated along the walls in the air, alerting all that was in the woods of his presence.

He caught the attention of one creature sitting on top of the boulder, his head turning towards him with jaded eyes. The orbs turned away back to whatever they had been observing, seemingly uninterested in Ayato’s existence. Ayato narrowed his eyes in annoyance even though he was overwhelmed at the same time with utter relief.

He climbed the rock, his heart clenching tightly at the thought of having to apologize; all throughout his search the thought hadn’t crossed his mind once, now it was the only thing occupying the space in his head.

Once he reached the top, without thinking—which in hindsight he should take practice of—he walked to the front of where Kaneki was seated and plopped himself in his lap.

Kaneki grew stiff beneath him clearly uncomfortable, although Ayato couldn’t find the energy to care. He maneuvered Kaneki’s legs apart with his own and pressed his head against the half-ghoul’s chest, instantly soothed by the rhythmic beating he found underneath.

Kaneki was silent, he almost always was, but his fingers started to etch their way around Ayato’s back to press him into a loose embrace.

Ayato let out a deep breath he wasn’t aware he had been holding and his fingers tightened around the smooth material of Kaneki’s shirt.

“I’m sorry,” his voice was coarse, rough from its absence.

Kaneki pressed his hand against his side in a comforting manner.

“I-I don’t know why I said that,” he chuckled scathingly, “Never know when to keep my damn mouth shut.”

Kaneki made a sound of agreement and allowed him to continue.

“I say stupid things when I’m mad…” His voice grew smaller with each word he spoke. “I shouldn’t have been mad at you anyways and I shouldn’t have said…what I said.”

He bit his bottom lip in between pauses and little beads of blood started to ooze out.

“I’m sorry, Kaneki…you don’t deserve this.” His fingers were wound so tight around the fabric it held he was sure it would leave marks, his eyes were scrunched closed and his heart started to beat in his throat making him choke on his words.

Kaneki’s hands left his back and for a fleeting moment Ayato panicked but then those hands were lifting his head up and his forehead was pressed against Kaneki’s with their noses pushing for room and their breaths intermingling.

He could feel Kaneki’s lips forming a smile against his skin before they were pressed against his own in a chaste kiss that was over far too soon.

“You’re so dumb,” his laughs filled the empty spaces between them.

“Hey!” Ayato leaned back, his brows furrowed and gently punched Kaneki’s arm.

Kaneki smiled at him with the look of utter endearment plastered on his face. “Of course I don’t deserve your _mistreatment_ ,” he said sarcastically, “but I don’t necessarily mind dealing with it as long as it’s from you.”

Ayato pushed air out through his teeth and ducked his head in slight embarrassment.

“You were right about one thing.”

The boy looked up, perplexed, his face questioning.

Kaneki pressed his lips together and deadpanned. “ _You never know when to shut your damn mouth_ ,” he mimicked Ayato.

Ayato groaned in faux exasperation and threw himself forward, colliding with Kaneki’s chest again.

Kaneki relaxed into his hold letting their fronts mold to each other. He closed his eyes letting out a short hum of content.

“Where did you go?”

“I terrorized that kid, Yuu, from the boat. You know the one I slopped saliva with?”

“How could I forget?”

 “Yeah then I realized who he was and I let him go—said he wouldn’t tell anybody.”

“And you believed him?”

Ayato grinned smugly. “Please that kid’s in love with me.” In afterthought he mused, “He wasn’t scared at all, well he was, but not like normal humans.”

He shrunk into Kaneki’s embrace. “He wasn’t…disgusted by me. He called me beautiful.”

Kaneki had gone quiet and then he let out a long breath. “A girl said the same thing to Touka once.”

Ayato grew silent, feeling like he was slowly melting into oblivion when he suddenly ordered Kaneki to hand the phone over.

 

 

Twenty-five seconds, he had counted, the phone rang before it went to straight to voicemail. Still he held it to his ear listening closely to the tired voice message from his sister until it beeped signaling him to leave message and that’s when he ended the call.

Kaneki gave him an apologetic look—as if it was his fault.

Ayato shrugged. “It’s already late. I’m sure she’s already in b—” He stopped mid-sentence from the sensation of his hand vibrating or in actuality it was the phone in his hand that rung.

He stared down at it almost baffled and let it ring three times before he realized he should probably answer.

“Touka.”

There was a silence that fell over the receiver and all he got in reply was slight hum of static.

And then came a choked, “Ayato?”

“Yeah. Hi,” he said awkwardly. He looked up at Kaneki for reassurance and the half-ghoul nodded and squeezed his other hand.

“I—where have you been? Are you okay? Is Kaneki there—did he hurt you—did Yamori or any lunatics touch you,” she paused to take a breath, “You’re okay?”

He let out a short huff of laughter. “Of course I am dummy. Plus, Yamori was my equal he couldn’t touch me and he really can’t do shit now six feet under,” he thumbed Kaneki’s hand when he spoke of Jason.

Touka gave what sounded like a relieved sob. “I’m going to kick your ass the next time I see you.”

Ayato scoffed playfully. “Bet you will. Neh, how’s your peaceful coffee shit-shop doing?”

“It’s doing fine,” she said sourly. “Everything is fine.”

“And you?”

“I’m okay.”

He looked up at Kaneki pausing in the conversation and Kaneki stared back looking like he was trying to decipher Ayato’s thoughts.

He continued to stare at the calm half-ghoul as he spoke. “Touka?”

“What is it?”

He cringed slightly. “You wanna talk to Kaneki?”

There was another drastically long pause and through the entirety of it he avoided eye contact with Kaneki knowing that this was most likely exactly what Kaneki didn’t want to happen.

“Pass him over.”

He did and mouthed while smiling, _“Your turn.”_ Kaneki glared at him as he hesitantly took the phone and pressed it to the shell of his ear.

“Hello, Touka-chan.”

Approximately five seconds later Ayato heard the clear sound of yelling over the receiver; it made Kaneki wince and hold the phone a few inches away from his face.

Ayato watched amused and tried to piece together the conversation from Kaneki’s answers.

“No, I’m fine.”

“Yes…he’s dead.”

“I know, I’m really sorry, I—”

His face grew somber, stoic and strong but his eyes were fractured by pain. Ayato scooted around him until he was seated behind Kaneki and threw his arms lightly around his waist.

He pressed his head to the man’s back and listened to the calm inhales and exhales that passed through him.

Perhaps it hadn’t been the best idea to notify Touka of Kaneki’s presence; he hadn’t realized how angry she would be.

He felt a jab in his chest as his thoughts started to twist in turn in ugly directions.

It wasn’t possible that they had been more than just close friends?

“I needed to protect all of you…I had to become stronger. I’m sorry that this was at yours and our friends’ expense,” he spoke evenly but Ayato could tell by his breathing that the conversation was taking a toll on him. “I’m sorry Touka, I didn’t realize how selfish it could seem.”

Ayato huffed out; hot anger started to boil inside him. He didn’t understand why she had to give him such a hard time. It was so like his shitty sister to react like this.

“What?!”

Ayato flinched at Kaneki’s sudden outburst.

“Wha—of course not. I wouldn’t do such a thing!”

Ayato leaned to Kaneki’s side to peer at his face and when he noticed how red he had become and how frantic his actions looked het let out an earthy howl of laughter.

Kaneki side-glanced at him. “No I haven’t even touched him.”

His brows furrowed so much Ayato was sure Kaneki would lose them. “I-I am not a terrible liar,” he whined.

By the look of Kaneki’s sudden calmness and his lack of red cheeks it seemed like the conversation had veered elsewhere.

A smile tugged at Kaneki’s lips and Ayato moved to lean in closer and try to catch fragments of Touka’s voice.

“Yes he is quite a handful.”

Ayato scoffed but continued to listen.

By some godsend miracle he was able to catch the last sentence or so from the receiver.

“…and Kaneki? Take care of him.”

Kaneki suddenly pulled him into a hug catching him off guard.

“Of course Touka,” Kaneki’s voice was soft and warm and it made Ayato’s heart clench painfully.

“I don’t think that’s something you need to worry about anymore—he’s not on his own any longer.”

\--

Something warm and soft fluttered across his cheeks, trailing down his jaw, lapping at his neck. His eyelids felt weighted but he forced them open only to quickly shut them when they were assaulted by the blurring yellow light that crept in between the curtains.

A groan slipped past his lips as he maneuvered to have his back against the window.

Warmth pressed against his backside, the contact of bare skin against skin made him shiver closer to the edge of the bed.

Something slipped under the fabric of his t-shirt, skimming along his sides and stomach and then the fluttering sensation returned; this time it was forced upon his shoulder.

Ayato screwed his eyes shut almost as if to tell himself to not give in. He threw his hand backward haphazardly letting it collide against something stiff.

“Five more minutes…” Groaning his plead, Ayato pulled the covers up to his chest. “You think you can keep it in your pants for that long?” He chastised; yawns interrupted his words making them fall out choppy and drawled.

An arm snaked around his chest but it stayed still, obedient, and soon Ayato melted into the touch, making his back press against Kaneki’s chest.

Kaneki nestled in between his neck and shoulder, strands of hair tickling Ayato’s bare skin and face.

Ayato sighed, knowing that Kaneki was insatiable and that he wouldn’t have been able to have gone back to sleep, at least not with Kaneki’s scent invading his every waking thought.

He turned in the man’s embrace and cracked one eye open to pear at him.

Kaneki looked like he was barely awake himself; his eyes were half shut, lulled by sleep, and his light hair was splayed against the pillows.

“I’m certain it’s past mid-day,” he stated to the boy.

Ayato trailed his thumb against Kaneki’s collar bone and then over the material of his shirt that it disappeared under. “I don’t want to go anywhere today.”

“Me neither; I still feel a bit,” Kaneki paused as he thought of an appropriate word, “drained. I’m not sure I even want to leave this bed.”

Ayato grinned at his commentary, his pearl white teeth glistening in the morning light and hummed with amusement.

“We can arrange that,” Ayato sang playfully and swung his leg over Kaneki’s side to hoist himself up. Straddling the half-ghoul with his hands pressed leisurely on his chest, Ayato leaned back and watched Kaneki for a reaction.

A lazy smile appeared on his face as he stared up at Ayato.

Ayato took that as good as a green stop light with the illuminated words ‘go’ above it.

He pressed down against Kaneki’s chest; this time firmer, stabilizing himself as he gave an experimental rock of his hips.

He gasped gently at the friction between their underwear and rolled downwards fervently; soon enough he had engaged Kaneki in his little game. The half-ghoul’s hands stilled at his hips as he thrusted up against Ayato.

Ayato lolled his head back as a familiar tightening sprung to his lower stomach. He could _smell_ the sweat collecting at the nape of Kaneki’s neck and he had almost forgotten how overwhelming the aroma was.

He could still remember what it was like to taste him, to have his bitter sweet blood running down his open lips.

Ayato panted loudly as he continued to grind against Kaneki’s hardened girth.

Watching him with lewd, curtained eyes he grabbed Kaneki’s left hand and pressed against his cheek, feeling the feverish heat spread from his fingertips to his skin.

Kaneki moaned lecherously as Ayato swirled his tongue around his thumb and index finger.

Sweat pooled at the bottom of his thighs as they worked to move him against Kaneki and he could feel his eyes veining into their natural state.

He lapped at the inside of Kaneki’s hand before he bit down hard at the flesh just below his thumb. Kaneki groaned at the dull pain of Ayato sucking on his bleeding wound and shifted his hips off the bed before he flipped the boy over onto his back.

Ayato landed with a soft thud and quickly wrapped his legs around Kaneki’s waist, bringing his hips back down against Ayato’s in an ecstatic reunion.

Kaneki nipped at the dark-haired boy’s jaw as he worked to get the half-ghoul’s shirt off and over his shoulders and head. When he did he immediately sat up to shed his own off.

Kaneki pushed him back down against the mattress the instance they were both bare of clothes. He pulled Ayato into a sweet, long kiss and the boy gasped into it from the sensation of having their members slide against each other.

Taking that opportunity he push his tongue into the boy’s mouth, straddling his back teeth and tangling with Ayato’s own.

He pulled away to kiss him chastely and then once again on the corner of his lips before he started to lower himself between Ayato’s legs.

Ayato whimpered gently as Kaneki kissed and licked the insides of his thighs. He licked along the underside of Ayato’s cock and pressed his tongue against the slit, eliciting a beautiful moan from the boy.

It struck him as a bit odd that Kaneki was being so gentle and slow this time around; it wasn’t something they had tried yet, but Ayato wasn’t complaining—if anything he found this extremely pleasant, maybe more so then when it was rough and raw.

Kaneki sucked lightly at his head, enjoying the pants and sounds he received. He started to suck harder, taking more in, nibbling along the side and Ayato let out a guttural moan when he was suddenly engulfed whole.

Ayato raised his hips drastically, his cock invading the confinements of Kaneki’s throat. Kaneki didn’t seem to like this or at least the fact that Ayato was moving, seeing as he immediately pushed his hips back down gently. Maybe he just wanted control over the situation. Ayato wasn’t sure—all he knew was that if they kept this agonizingly slow pace he would go insane.

He placed his fingers in front of Ayato’s mouth and without a second thought Ayato took them in and started to suck eagerly. Blood trickled at the back of his throat from where he had bitten Kaneki’s hand earlier and in a rush his mind was hazed with hunger and bloodlust and bit of something that lied in between.

Kaneki pulled back his fingers and placed his hand somewhere beyond Ayato’s field of vision. Swirling his tongue around the head he began to draw circles around the tight muscle of Ayato’s entrance.

Ayato groaned loudly as a finger was slowly pushed inside of him. Kaneki let the boy get used to the invading finger before he started to thrust it in and out. The sensation was familiar—irritatingly familiar yet not enough. Ayato tried to deliver this message by canting his hips down on Kaneki’s hand, guiding him into inserting a second finger.

He moaned loudly at the pleasant sensation of being stretched, but the feeling was gone as soon as it had appeared. Kaneki kneeled between Ayato’s knees and rested his hands on his thighs.

He leaned forward to capture Ayato’s lips in an eternal lock as he positioned himself and slowly pushed into the boy.

Groans collided in the tight space that stretched infinitely between their young bodies.

Kaneki sets a sweet, languid pace but kept his thrusts erratic; sometimes it was shallow and short and others were long, deep pulling back so far that he was no longer even inside and then filling him to the brim.

Kaneki pushed his thigh to the side lightly and signaled Ayato to turn around; he did and was expecting to be pushed down when instead he was pulled flush against Kaneki’s front.

A raucous moan ripped out of him when Kaneki angled his hips to thrust into his prostate. Panting heavily, he hung his head, his body trembling, begging for release. But Kaneki wouldn’t have that; his hands traveled up and down his chest, his arms, his thighs, caressing as he kissed his shoulder and neck but not once did his fingers linger where Ayato needed them most.

Kaneki pulled him into a side kiss, exploring his mouth, with a tender tongues and saccharine desires. The hot pit of his stomach coiled tightly, causing him to gasp out of the kiss, his back arching into Kaneki’s hold as his orgasm rippled through him. Kaneki followed close behind, his body stilling, sticky with sweat and flushed with a light pink, his head resting on Ayato’s shoulder, his fingertips pressing, pressing, pressing into his hipbones.

Kaneki held him for a moment, suspended in the air, before he pulled away and Ayato’s body fell into a seated position, resting on his bended knees.

The warmth that exuded from Kaneki’s body was gone and replaced with the cool brisk wind that trickled in through the window. He hugged his body close waiting until the moment that Kaneki came back.

It took longer than Ayato had anticipated and his body was already aching for the comfort of another. He could hear the clear sound of running water as it filled a basin and soon enough Kaneki was back tugging him to join him in the bathroom.

He guided the exhausted teenager into the water and watched as the warm water slowly revived him and his droopy lids opened up again to reveal the indigo orbs beneath.

Ayato let himself lean against the rim as he spread his legs out, intertwining them with stark white ones. He lolled his head to the side resting it on his propped arm.

Kaneki watched him with lidded eyes gazing at him like he was the only thing he could see in the world, that his vision had been secluded to see Ayato and Ayato only.

Ayato let out a half-moan half-sigh and rolled his head to the other side. “I’m so tired,” he glared at Kaneki with only moderately agitated eyes, “I hate you.”

Kaneki smiled knowingly. “No you don’t. You love me.”

“I do,” he said without any hesitation. And then he immediately froze into place as regret slowly creeped up his spine and along with it came an intense blush that he was sure left third degree burn.

It took Kaneki a few moments before his eyes widened slightly with realization. He inched closer to Ayato and opened his mouth but then quickly shut it; Ayato knew he was itching to ask the boy to say the entirety of the three words, but had swallowed the plead knowing it would put Ayato in a state of discomfort.

So instead he pressed closer to Ayato, kneeling between his legs and making their foreheads bump awkwardly. Ayato met his lips, relaxing into the kiss quickly before he pulled back and what was left was a sweet bitter taste on his mouth.

Kaneki’s eyes fluttered over his face consuming him whole. “I do too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> are there mistakes? probably. am i going to fix them? probably not σ(^_^;)


	7. Calamity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Calamity: an event causing great and often sudden damage or distress

When Kaneki sleeps, his lips are drawn apart just the slightest bit and his eyes are shut so freely that one might think he’d never dreamed anything bad in his life. It’s an ironic gesture of the unconscious mind, knowing that there were many horrid things his dreams could be conjuring up; it wasn’t like he was given a picture perfect life anyway.

But in those few sparse hours, on the rare occasion when Ayato himself wasn’t sleeping, he was able to get a glimpse of what Kaneki Ken might’ve looked like as a human. He wondered if the peaceful expression he had on now was one he wore often. In hindsight, his most frequently worn expression was probably one of worry—knowing how paranoiac Kaneki was now, Ayato couldn’t imagine how he was before.

How odd it was to have to ponder so much about someone who was the whole world in your eyes—someone who knew your entirety, yet was still a mystery in his own.

Kaneki didn’t share much about his past and when he did it always was recollections from after him becoming a ghoul.

Could he truly dread his human past so much? Or was it that he thought Ayato wouldn’t want to hear about it?

They were idiotic thoughts to think of now, when he was sitting in the middle of forest he had grown oh so familiar to.

He spread his legs out letting them rustle against the green ivy foliage and looked up at the figure that casted a shadow over him.

“Neh, Kaneki?”

He looked down at Ayato in question.

“Are you gonna miss this place?”

Kaneki glanced around the forest before he opened his mouth to answer. “I suppose so. Will you?”

“No,” it was an automatic response, but it was the truth nonetheless.

“And why is that?”

Ayato scoffed. “I had to spend like two days with your unconscious ass in here, remember? And oh god don’t get me started on the rain and the birds! What the blinking hell are they so chipper about at crack ass of dawn?”

His small tangent earned him a boisterous laughter from Kaneki, and it spread a sticky warmth throughout his chest. Once their laughter had died out they stayed there in silence, the younger one laid comfortably on the ground while the other stood over him in a subconscious protective stance.

“I thought you were dead that day and it was the worst thing I’d ever felt,” he drawled his words out comically, in a nonchalant tone as he twirled a flower between his fingers; his voice completely deceptive to what he had said.

He met Kaneki’s eyes when he spoke his last word. Kaneki had his brows drawn together and his mouth was slightly open as if he was biting back the words he wanted to say and then the worry was gone and it was replaced with an uncharacteristically wide grin.

He held his hand out to hoist Ayato onto his feet; it was accepted.

“Of course I didn’t die. I still have the rest of my life to annoy you,” he loosely wrapped his arms around Ayato’s waist, “Besides even when I die I’ll still be around to haunt your ass.”

Ayato perked up at the sudden turn the conversation had taken.

“And what a nice ass you’ll get to haunt,” he turned in Kaneki’s arms and gave him a cheeky grin.

Kaneki leaned forward and pressed their foreheads together. He hummed in agreement and it vibrated against Ayato’s skin.

He pecked the half-ghoul’s chin before he pulled away from the embrace and sighed as if he had just remembered something troublesome.

“I want to leave now, right this instance. Has teleportation been invented yet or are they still working on that one?” He mumbled his thoughts half-heartedly.

Kaneki ignored his question in lieu of asking his own. “Where to?”

It took Ayato a few moments to realize what the question had been directed to. “Oh, I don’t know, Europe, maybe.”

“Europe?”

“Europe.”

“Where in Europe?”

“Eh,” he waved a hand in the air to present his statement, “London?”

Kaneki lolled his head leisurely to the side to look at Ayato, something he had picked up from the boy himself. “How good is your English?”

Ayato batted his eyelashes and cocked his head. “As good as my manners are,” he said in faux innocence.

Kaneki blanched. “So terrible. That’s okay; I know enough to get us by.”

Ayato brightened immediately. “Then its set. Next stop London.”

\--

Ayato groaned drastically as he followed Kaneki through the street.

“Do we really have to take that stupid ferry?”

“Yakushima’s airports only go to the other islands. We need to travel from Tokyo.”

Ayato chewed on the inner corner of his mouth until his tongue was washed over the familiar bitter metallic taste of his blood. He hid his concerned face from Kaneki but had apparently not done the best job at it, seeing as how intently Kaneki was observing him now.

“What’s worrying you, Aya?”

Ayato pushed his tongue against his cheek and glanced at the grey orbs that burrowed through him. “They’ll be waiting for us Kaneki…”

Kaneki exhaled and pulled his hand out of his coat pocket to cover Ayato’s own. He brought the boy’s hand to his lips and pressed them firmly together in an odd sort of kiss. Ayato watched him carefully and tried to deduce his expression.

He brought their hands back down so that they hung in the small space between them.

“Don’t worry Ayato-kun,” he watched as Ayato’s face grew sour at the condescending name. “I won’t let anything happen to you,” he promised.

Ayato nodded a lie, his worries heightened more than ever, knowing that the man next to him would so willingly sacrifice himself for the boy’s safety.

\--

Pale knuckles brushed against the ageing wood, and his hands spread across the desk to brace himself. His outstretched legs pushed him slightly back against his chair, causing it to tilt onto its back legs.

Kaneki stared at the screen in front of him as he grabbed Ayato’s chair and straightened it with unnecessary force.

“Stop doing that. You’ll fall,” Kaneki mumbled behind the fist that covered half of his face.

Ayato rolled his eyes, slightly amused from Kaneki’s constant protection.

He leaned to his side to peer at Kaneki’s view of the computer. “What ya’ doing?”

Kaneki’s eyes roamed over the screen as he used his left hand to click continuously on the mouse.

“Looking for something,” he spoke in a hushed tone as if someone was eavesdropping.

“What things?” Ayato narrowed his eyes, irritated at Kaneki’s allusiveness.

“Just things.”

Ayato sighed, not particularly surprised by the answer but still perturbed. He threw his legs over the arm rest of the chair and leaned his back against Kaneki’s shoulder, waiting for the minutes to thin out until the moment Kaneki had finished.

Time started to fold in on itself, overlapping each other like distant memories from childhood that lay in an indistinguishable void between reality and dreams. And slowly like the ebbing tides of the sea he was lulled to sleep by the continual clicks of the mouse and the rhythmic movement of Kaneki’s arm as air was pumped into his lungs.

 

A coolness skidded across his cheek, light enough to not exist, but constant. With much effort he forced his eyes open.

He was being watched by gun metal gray orbs; they smiled down at him endearingly, creases touching their corners.

And then he realized he had been looking at Kaneki upside down or rather that Kaneki was looking at him upside down. He had slumped in his chair at some point and time during his slumber and his head had ended up half on top of the arm rest and half on top of Kaneki’s side.

“You fell asleep.”

A groan slipped past his lips as he tried to straighten himself in the chair to face the man next to him. He stretched and popped his joints, satisfied by the cracking sound they made and then shook the hair out of his eyes so he could peer at Kaneki and the screen in front of him.

The screen had a list of the departing times for the ferry that traveled back to Japan.

“So are we still Haru and Taisei or did you hack into,” he glanced at Kaneki and when he saw his expression he had suddenly forgotten the rest of his words.

“What?” Ayato asked hesitantly.

Kaneki blinked twice as if he had just been caught zoning out, which he had, and met Ayato’s confused gaze.

He repeated himself in hopes that the half-ghoul would answer this time.

“Oh-uh, nothing,” Kaneki ran a hand through his hair and leaned forward to press his lips against Ayato’s.

Ayato gave into the kiss quickly, almost eager as if his body had missed Kaneki’s touch in the short spans of time his mind had been preoccupied with sleep.

When they pulled apart there were already questions spilling out of his mouth.

“What were you thinking about?”

Kaneki smiled sweetly at him before he replied with a simple, “Nothing important.”

Ayato didn’t believe him but he also known that continuing to say so was an already lost war.

He settled to ask instead when they would leave for the ferry.

Kaneki glanced at the time on the computer screen. “In two hours. You checked the room before checkout, right?”

He nodded sleepily. “Yep. No dead bodies in sight.”

He sighed dramatically when Kaneki shot him a look. “We didn’t leaving anything, Kaneki-kun.”

Kaneki narrowed his eyes at the familiar honorific before he got out of his chair and reached to pull Ayato up. “We should go now then.”

“Aye-Aye, captain.” That one earned him a rather painful pinch to his side.

\--

He leaned against the bathroom sink with his arms crossed and a childish pout upon his lips. “Contrary to popular belief, I am not a very patient person.”

There was a quiet rustling behind the curtain before a burst of laughter. “I find it very unlikely that anyone would believe you’re patient, Aya.”

Ayato rolled his eyes at the jab and averted his gaze from the plain white curtain to stare instead at the plain white floor. “You’re such a jerk,” he mumbled under his breath.

“It’s not my fault you were too slow to get in,” Kaneki shouted from the shower right before he pulled the curtain slightly aside to pop his wet head out. To Ayato he resembled a drowned white kitten; he found it quite amusing.

“That’s not fair! Besides you have a hundred legs to help you,” he grinned playfully.

Kaneki glared at the smug boy and let out a faux boom of laughter. “Very funny, little rabbit.”

Ayato walked towards Kaneki slowly before he wrapped his arms around his neck, ignoring the bother of getting his long-sleeves wet. He pulled Kaneki into a long, languid kiss before he hummed out of the kiss. “If you won’t hurry up then I guess I’ll just have to join you.”

Kaneki quirked an eyebrow as he watched Ayato undress and step into the shower.

Ayato sighed with pleasure when the water hit his skin and it sent a noticeable shiver up Kaneki’s spine.

He was quickly pulled into Kaneki’s chest and then there was nothing but the sound of the water dousing them and the ones of their even breaths against each other’s shoulders.

A kiss was placed to his chest and then to his collarbone, to his neck, his jaw, and his neck again. Ayato closed his eyes, breathing out small puffs of breath in the humid bathroom. He leaned back from Kaneki; he was watching him with clinical eyes and it was looks like those that threw Ayato back to when he first met the half-ghoul.

He kissed the older boy, soft and chaste, before he reached around him to fumble blindly around the shower rack in attempt to found the shampoo bottle. He squirted some in his hands, spreading it into a lather and threaded his fingers through his dark hair. Kaneki’s hand slid off of the boy's body and followed in Ayato’s steps.

 

Ayato stepped out of the shower, letting the water roll off his body and pool freely onto the floor. He wrapped a towel around his waist and wandered into the room, waiting for Kaneki to finish up. Drying himself off he glanced at a shirt that was neatly folded on the bed before deciding to grab it. It was too big for him, white, and gave off a vague waft of a sweet musk; the smell reminded him of the flowers he used to pick in his garden with Touka when they were kids.

He pulled the shirt on and crawled into the bed feeling too indolent to put anything else on. When Kaneki came out of the shower, Ayato was turned away from him feigning sleep.

“Are you wearing my shirt?”

A yawn ripped through Ayato as he pulled the covers up to his chin. “It’s yours? I thought I had a fairy godmother who wanted to clothe my indecency…”

Kaneki hummed his retort seeming too busy with whatever racket he was creating to properly respond; he was probably looking for clothes.

The blanket was pulled aside and the bed’s edge dipped under Kaneki’s weight.

As if automatically, an arm draped around is waist and was pulled flush against Kaneki's bare chest. “I wasn’t aware fairies’ had fairy godmothers.”

It took Ayato a few moments to realize he had been referencing the little girl Ayato had ran into that night they had fought one of their many fights. He had forgotten that he’d even told Kaneki about the little girl.

“How preposterous. Of course I have a fairy godmother—everyone has a fairy godmother. Even Cindy-whatsername had one.” Ayato fiddled with Kaneki’s fingers as he spoke, pulling them apart slowly until they threaded perfectly with his own.

“You mean Cinderella?” Kaneki inquired.

“Same thing.”

Ayato turned to face Kaneki. He traced the bare skin of the half-ghoul’s shoulder and arm with a light touch that barely even existed.

“You’re not wearing a shirt,” he stated.

“You stole mine,” Kaneki accused.

The childish banter brought smiles to both of their faces. Ayato stared into Kaneki’s eyes feeling suddenly lost in their resilient gaze. He wondered what it would be like to look through those eyes and see what they saw.

“Kaneki?”

Eyelashes batted expectantly.

“What were you like before? When you were human?”

Kaneki’s lips pursed in consideration and it took him, what felt like an eternity to Ayato, to answer.

“I was quiet…I kept to myself most of the time and read,” he paused slightly in his words as if he was hesitant to speak them. “I only really had one close friend. His name was Hide,” Kaneki smiled sadly and a wave of nostalgia hit Ayato even though he had nothing to feel nostalgic for.

“He is oddly enough the polar opposite of me. He was eccentric I guess…very loud and social— constantly animated and happy. He always saw the silver lining in things and I suppose he had to because I’ve always been a bit pessimistic.”

“He was my best friend and was always there for me…even when I wasn’t for him.”

Ayato thought about staying silent but when it looked like Kaneki had finished his story, Ayato couldn’t hold his tongue back any longer. “What happened to him?”

“Oh, nothing,” Kaneki smiled at the question. “I hope,” he added quickly.

“What about you?” Kaneki asked, smiling wryly.

Ayato raised his brows, knowing that Kaneki was trying to steer the conversation away from himself. “Oh, there’s not much to tell.”

He looked at Kaneki out of the corner of his eye and decided that there was no harm in telling, especially if got Kaneki to tell him more about himself.

“We—Touka and I, we were really close. We always played in the garden whenever our pop would let us. That brat always liked to scare me with insects. One time we rescued this injured bird. Touka wanted to keep it, so we started looking for food, you know, to give to the bird and she found a worm and tried to put it down my shirt,” Ayato laughed at the memory, remembering how frantic he had become when Touka would sway the worm back in forth in front of his face. “I bit her and ever since then she stopped threatening me with insects.”

Kaneki smiled, happy to see the way Ayato’s eyes lit up when he talked about his sister.

“My mom died a long time ago…I don’t really know how; Dad never talked about it, but I’m sure the CCG caught her,” his words became softer, wistful.

Kaneki started to rub circles in the small of his back in a comforting manner to try to alleviate the pain that knotted in Ayato’s voice.

“My dad was always gone…I thought it was because he was working or searching for food and one day he didn’t come back home. He’d abandoned us and then he died alone,” Ayato scoffed and his eyes hardened with a sudden burst of fire that licked at his words. “Touka thought of him as some sort of hero, a martyr or something, dumbass didn’t see him for the coward he really was.”

He bit his tongue and narrowed his eyes in disgust at seemingly nothing. “We had a neighbor, disgusting vermin she was, a human. We went to her when we figured Dad had died. She stuffed human food in my mouth and it blew our cover, so she sold us out to the CCG. That’s how we showed up in their database.

We escaped, ran away, found Anteiku. I stayed there for a while…Touka fell in love with that stupid girl, I’m sure you met her and that’s when she became the human lover she is now. I didn’t want to end up like our sorry Pop so I left. Spent some time wandering the wards,” he smirked, exuding arrogance, “stole a bunch of ghouls feeding grounds. That’s when Aogiri found me and then I met you.”

He turned to look at his boyfriend, but he showed no reaction to the story; it slightly irked Ayato but he didn’t mention it.

“What were your folks like, Ken?”

Kaneki perked a bit at the sound of his name. He turned, positioning himself so that he stared up at the ceiling of the cabin.

“I lost my father when I was very young like you lost your mother. I don't have many memories to recall upon him; all I knew about him was what the books he left behind could tell me. My mother raised me…we were very close. She was very selfless and she worked many jobs to support the both of us. Her sister was…quite the opposite. She was selfish and was always running out of cash, so she would hound my mother for money. Eventually, my mother overworked herself, trying to support the three of us,” Kaneki exhaled and for a while that was the only sound that resonated through the room.

“When my mother died I was adopted by my aunt’s family. My aunt despised me…she always compared me to her own son and would get angry when I would do better than him in school. As time passed, they started to care less and less about my existence…that’s when I met Hide.”

He sat up in the bed and glanced over at Ayato. It looked like the conversation was physically exhausting Kaneki and it made Ayato feel a twinge of guilt knowing that he was the one who brought up the conversation.

“Kan—Ken…” He was at a loss of words; his tongue felt paralyzed and his mind wasn’t capable of stringing the correct words together that would put Kaneki at ease.

“Wait, I’m…I’m not done,” Kaneki declared and ran a hand through his hair.

“When Yamori tortured me…” His words came out choked and Ayato realized that he had probably never spoken about this.

“I won’t go into too much detail about what he did to me, don’t worry,” he said dryly.

His breath hitched slightly, but noticeably, when Kaneki started to talk and he wanted to deny Kaneki’s words—reassure him that it didn’t matter what he wished to speak about; Ayato didn’t care he just wanted Kaneki to know that he would listen. He wanted desperately to convey these thoughts but he couldn’t.

“I learned a lot about myself, oddly enough. I came to the sad conclusion that I am very similar to my mother and that the traits I hated her for are ones that I can find in myself. She always told me that it was better to be hurt than to hurt others. For a long time I believed those words, but when I was in there I realized that I wasn’t saving anyone by martyring myself…I couldn’t do anything to help anyone in that position.

I suppose Yamori helped show me the monster that I really was—something worse than ghouls or really anything imaginable,” he laughed sourly when he finished.

Ayato gritted his teeth together and before he knew what was happening, he reached out and struck Kaneki’s cheek. Kaneki was dazed from the assault and he stared at the fuming boy with a dumbfounded face.

“Shut up, Kaneki. I’m so sick of you referring to yourself as a monster. If you’re a monster than that makes me one too, worse even because you’re just half of what I am,” he fisted his hands, his arms trembled and he had to restrain himself from hitting something, anything.

“I’ve lived my whole life being told that I should be ashamed of who I am because I am not human…treated like I’m some sort of freak and I’ll be damned if after all this time of avoiding self-deprecating ghouls to end up with one.” Ayato closed his eyes and exhaled evenly in attempt to tranquilize himself.

“This is probably the worst and most selfish thing that I will ever say,” he shifted closer to Kaneki.

He tried to soften his features hoping that that would help Kaneki digest his words. “I’m glad that you went on that date with Rize and that Kanou had you under his knife and every other horrible thing you've undergone because if it weren’t for that then I wouldn’t get to have this,” he motioned to the space between them and then gripped Kaneki by the sides of his face.

“I wouldn’t get to have you.” Ayato had to pause to catch his breath.

Kaneki watched him with wide, sentimental eyes and he looked like he was bursting at the seams to say something, but something held him back from doing so.

“Don’t say you’re a monster, Kaneki, b-because you’re the best thing that’s happened to me,” Ayato’s voice cracked with each word and the barricade that held back the overwhelming emotions that swam in his chest was threatening to give way.  

He crashed into Kaneki, holding him painfully close. He shut his eyes and his lower lip trembled; he wasn’t sure why. It bothered him; he felt like a babbling baby.

The ghoul pulled back a bit from the embrace to look at Kaneki. He had been rather quiet and it worried Ayato; perhaps he had been too upfront.

He froze when he saw the small crystals that gathered in Kaneki’s dark eyes. They were still opened comically wide and his mouth gaped with either speechlessness or shock.

And then there were lips on his own and it was a kiss so fierce and brash, it spoke every little word that Kaneki could have possibly imagined as a response. Ayato couldn’t remember when they had last been like this, shaking with the need to be with the other. He felt his breath catch in his throat, and it must of died there because he wasn't able to drag in another ounce of air. _My poor lungs._

He pitched forwards, compressing any space between them into nothingness, feeling a hit of endorphin more quickly and strongly than an intravenous drug. Kaneki pulled him down until they were pressed against the mattress, enveloped in each other’s warmth.

He pulled away breathless and hazed from the lack of oxygen and pushed his forehead against the other males. They stayed like this, bodies pressed against one another, breathing and exhaling in unison until their aching lungs were sated. Eventually, Ayato detached himself from his lover and rolled to his preferred side of the bed.

It wasn’t long before they were both lulled into a deep slumber.

\--

The next morning was mostly spent waiting impatiently, particularly on Ayato’s behalf, for the ship to dock in Japan. He paced the inside of the room alone while Kaneki left for coffee, mostly because he hated the thought of having to participate socially with the humans on board and only slightly because he was anxious—terrified really of seeing Yuu behind the food counter.

When Kaneki returned he had reassured the frantic boy that the teenager wasn’t even working that day, but it didn’t do much to ease Ayato’s heightened energy.

He was lying to Kaneki, convincing both him and himself that this anxiety had rooted from the thought of running into the human who knew of his existence as a ghoul—or maybe because they hadn’t eaten in a while. But he knew that it had nothing to do with that and he was sure Kaneki did as well.

“Ayato sit down and drink your coffee,” Kaneki pleaded. Ayato ignored.

“Stop worrying yourself to death. Aogiri won’t even notice our return and when they do we’ll already be on a plane to Europe.”

He really needed to get better at hiding his emotions.

 

It didn’t take much longer before they had reached Japan. They made quick to call a taxi; both of them wanted to get as far from Tokyo as possible.

When the Taxi pulled up to the curb, Ayato bent at the waist and began to tell the driver directions to the airport; Kaneki stopped him and ushered the boy into the car.

Once they were seated, the half-ghoul passed a slip of paper to the driver. The balding man looked at him questioningly in the rear-view mirror, but Kaneki reassured him with a nod.

Ayato looked at him quizzically. “Where are we going?”

Kaneki glanced at him before he leaned in to whisper in the boy’s ear. “We need passports.”

“Where the hell are we supposed to get those?” Ayato asked in a hushed tone.

Kaneki smiled a rather wide smile and looked out the door window. “I know a guy.”

Ayato gave him a look of astonishment. “Wow that sounded super sketchy.” He wiped away nonexistent tears and in a broken voice added, “I’m so proud of you.”

Kaneki laughed harder than he had in a long while and Ayato watched him with a warm smile.

 

The address Kaneki had given the driver wasn’t the exact address to where they were going. In fact, it was unbearably far and Ayato was letting Kaneki hear every single word of his protest.

“This is practically domestic abuse, ‘Neki,” he groaned as he trailed behind the half-ghoul.

Kaneki scoffed. “We’ve walked farther before. You didn’t complain then.”

Ayato grumbled and swore under his breath.

A flashy sign caught his eye; it was a two story building and each window had closed curtains dull pink, drained of color from being overwashed.

“How about you leave me here and we can meet up after you’re done?” He proposed.

Kaneki quirked an eyebrow. “Ayato that’s a…”

“Whore house?” He asked innocently.

Kaneki pursed his lips and let out a terse, “Yes.”

Ayato giggled under his breath and grabbed Kaneki’s arm, bending slightly to look at Kaneki in a taunting way. “Would it really kill you to swear?”

Kaneki stared at Ayato through his white fringe. “It might.”

Ayato snickered and rocked slightly on the heels of his feet. “Ah, I’m sure I can have a little fun in there.”

“What ya’ think, Kaneki, could I pull it off?” He batted his lashes seductively and lifted his shirt up to hold it between his teeth.

The corners of Kaneki’s frown tugged a bit and Ayato knew he was dying to laugh or say a snarky retort.

“Only I can afford you, Ayato-kun,” he replied with coolly before he pushed past the boy and continued to walk in the direction they had been heading.

Ayato let the hem of his shirt fall from his mouth and he turned around to catch up to boy that had somehow already walked to the other side of the street. When he did he wrapped his arms around Kaneki’s waist and used all his weight to anchor him.

“Kaneki,” he whined loudly, drawing out every syllable in the half-ghoul’s name. His only response was a soft sigh.

“Carry me,” he demanded childishly.

Kaneki turned his head in attempt to look at him; his eyes were filled with irritation.

“If I do will you quite complaining?”

Ayato beamed. He hadn’t thought Kaneki would actually agree; he had only been half-serious—not that Kaneki needed to know though.

Kaneki was silent for a moment and then he bent his knees and waited for the boy to mount him. And mount him he did; Ayato felt very amused by their current situation.

He enclosed Kaneki’s middle with his legs, clamping down with his thighs. Kaneki secured him by his calves and began to walk.

Ayato relaxed into the hold, draping his arms around his neck and resting his head on his taut shoulder. He pressed a soft kiss on the back of Kaneki’s neck to give his thanks.

“Why haven’t we done this before?”

“Because you have perfectly functioning legs and I usually don’t give in to your laziness, but right now I just want to get us the hell out of here.”

Ayato gasped dramatically. “Kaneki Ken, what a dirty mouth you have.”

Kaneki hummed in agreement and although he couldn’t see the half ghoul’s face Ayato was sure he was smiling.

\--

Their mysterious destination was what appeared to be an empty warehouse on the outskirts of town. It was dark and covered in graffiti and completely misleading.

The door wasn’t locked which struck Ayato as odd and it sent alarms off in his mind.

The inside had been renovated to look like a large office. There were long vertical lights that snaked across the ceiling, illuminating the place with an obnoxious white light.

There was a man, probably in his mid-twenties, strewn across a chair in a position that couldn’t possibly be comfortable. His head jolted up comically when he heard the door close behind the two ghouls.

The boy sprung out of his chair and practically skipped over to where they stood; all the while, with a wide toothy grin that made Ayato feel uneased.

“Kaneki-san! I haven’t seen you in years, little worm. To what do I owe the pleasure?” The man purred, talking animated with many hand gestures; just watching him made Ayato feel lethargic.

“Hello, Mikado-san. We were just in the area and I thought we should drop by,” Kaneki watched Mikado with what appeared to be endearment as if he was used to his eccentric attitude.

“How wonderfully delicious,” Mikado’s eyes opened in a predatory way when he looked at Kaneki. He turned to shout, “Rin! Get your ass out here! We have a visitor.”

A door in the back of the room slammed open and out came a petite, angry girl with curled black hair. “What the hell are you on about—” The girl fell silent when she saw who exactly the visitors were.

She ran her eyes over the two of them and looked at Mikado with a quizzical look. “Mika, the hell are they?”

Mikado’s eyes widened and he gave a small jump in the air. “Rin! It’s Kaneki and,” he turned to Ayato expectantly.

“Ayato,” he growled.

“—and Ayato,” he sang.

Rin blinked and her face washed over with astonishment. “Kaneki? Gee, I didn’t even recognize you.”

“I know, I’m totally digging the new color,” Mikado motioned to Kaneki’s hair excitedly.

Kaneki smiled so sweetly it almost gave Ayato a cavity.

“Oi! We should totally call Sao, she’d love to see you. Oh, and you could invite Hide. How is he? Did you two ever tie the knot? You were practically joined at the hip anyway,” Mikado rocked back and forth on his heels as he spoke.

Ayato rose a brow questioningly.

“Uh, he’s fine, and despite your protest Mikado-san we never did date,” Kaneki replied with quickly. He glanced at Ayato before he continued. “Actually I’m dating Ayato, and I’d really love to see Sao but I’m afraid we don’t have time.”

“Oh?" Rin probed.

“We’re going to Europe,” Ayato responded with curtly. He was tired of staying quiet on the side lines watching this train-wreck of a conversation.

“Yes, we are. That’s why we’re here. We need passports,” Kaneki spat out rapidly like he had been nervous to ask.

From what Ayato had observed it seemed like these two whack jobs didn’t know about Kaneki’s recent change and they definitely were humans; their smell gave that much away.

“Right on it!” Mikado ran into the room that Rin had come out of.

Rin herself sat in the desk chair and stared at the two, well mostly Kaneki. “Kaneki-san you haven’t gotten yourself in trouble have you,” she glanced at Ayato when she mentioned trouble; it made his eye twitch with anger.

Kaneki smiled politely. “Nothing too bad.”

 

The process didn’t take as long as Ayato had been expecting. Actually, after they finished taking photos and the information—it was an interrogation really—that they needed for the passport, it only took another hour or so.

They were good juveniles, fast with their work; Ayato could credit them at least that. He wondered how it was Kaneki had ended up them as friends.

When it was over they gave their respective goodbyes and left. With the way Mikado had latched on to Kaneki, Ayato thought they would never make it out of there in time, at least not with a few casualties.

They started to walk to the airport; it was surprisingly close to Mikado’s and Rin’s warehouse.

“Why did Mikado call you that?”

“Huh?”

Ayato shoved his hands in his pockets. “Little worm,” he said in a disgusted tone.

“Oh,” Kaneki chuckled. “It was a nickname he gave me when I started college because I read a lot. Bookworm soon became just little worm and I guess it stuck.”

“How’d you become friends with them?” He asked curiously.

“They’re Hide’s friends actually. He met them in his bio class and introduced me to them one time he dragged me to a party. I had lunch with Mikado a few times and I helped them both with literature, but asides from that I don’t really know them all too well,” he responded with coolly.

“I don’t like Mikado,” Ayato grumbled out.

“Why?” Kaneki asked in an entertained voice.

“He doesn’t know when not to touch things that don’t belong to him.”

Kaneki snorted and pulled Ayato into his side. “Listen to you, so territorial.”

Ayato rolled his eyes and ignored the comment but he did pull Kaneki a bit closer.

\--

“I’ve never been in an airport before,” Ayato mused.

“I would assume so.”

Ayato glanced at Kaneki as they shuffled in the line.

“We’ll have to go through customs,” Kaneki stated evenly. Ayato stared at him awaiting an explanation.

Kaneki smirked. “When you enter a new country they make you go through this process.” When he saw Ayato’s wary face he added, “Nothing scary. You just fill out a form once we’re on the plane.”

Ayato nodded in acknowledgement and shifted closer to Kaneki when a woman tried to move past him. The security line was hell; they’d only gone through half of it and they’d been stuck in the damn line for at least twenty minutes.

Ayato pressed his head against Kaneki’s shoulder and fiddled with the boy’s fingers like he did often when he was bored.

“You might not want to do that, Aya,” Kaneki whispered close to his ear.

“Why?” He asked in an agitated tone.

Kaneki gave him a sorry look. “You know how people can be…”

Ayato pulled apart from him with a loud huff and cross of his arms. “Stupid humans with their stupid taboos.”

Kaneki smiled down at him and then his gaze flicked behind him. Ayato turned to catch what Kaneki was looking at.

They were first in line to be checked for security. Kaneki went first, handing the lady behind the desk his passport, smiling passively at her. She barely glanced at it before she let him through and asked Ayato to step up to the box.

He handed her his passport and looked at her with an impassive face. She narrowed her eyes at his picture and glanced at him twice before she let him through.

He let out a low breath that he hadn’t realized he’d been holding and walked up to where Kaneki stood.

Kaneki grinned at him. “I told you nothing bad would happen.”

\--

They had just boarded the plane and Ayato felt an immense relief wash over him. He’d finally get to leave this dump of a country and leave Aogiri behind him. He’d never have to worry about them again. It filled him with an idiotic joy and a sense of wonder.

He’d never been on a plane or had visited another country. Hell, before Kaneki came into his life he had barely stepped out of Tokyo’s wards.

He grabbed Kaneki’s hand, without a care in the world, and lolled his head to the side to look at him. Kaneki opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by a sudden vibration that came from Ayato’s jacket.

Ayato frowned and pulled the phone out of his pocket.

“Who is it?”

“Touka…” He said softly before he hit the green flashing button and held the phone up to his ear.

“Neh, Touka you’re gonna have to make this quick.”

There was a rasping sound that came from the other end of the call and it took Ayato a few seconds to realize that it was his sister panting.

“Ayato!” She exclaimed frantically.

He sat up in his seat quickly, alert from her panicked voice.

“W-Where are you?” She asked in a hushed tone and in between breaths.

“I’m on a plane. Why? What’s happening?” His fingers trembled slightly around the mobile device.

“Are you with Kaneki?”

“Yes—”

“You need to leave now. They’re,” there was a loud bang that resonated from Touka’s end and it cut off her sentence making it difficult for Ayato to understand what she had meant. “—you and Kaneki.”

“What? Touka I can’t hear you,” he felt Kaneki’s hand slip around his shoulders but he could barely feel the touch.

“Leave! They’re looking for you—they want to…you have to go,” Touka kept choking on her words as if she were sobbing, gasping desperately for air.

“Who’s looking for us? Who’s there Touka?!”

“Aogiri.”

The call dropped to crackling static until there was nothing but the silence that stretched between the two lines.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello world of the living, it is me. Aha silly me I forgot to renew the antivirus on my computer for like 2 days and guess who got infected? This lucky gal. So yeah I also had a mini heart attack because my computer shut down randomly and I hadn't saved so when I opened up the document I had lost all progress in this ch and I almost cried BUT I was rescued by auto-save so yeah you have Microsoft Words auto-save function to thank for this chapter.


	8. Harrowing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harrowing: an acutely distressing event

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry! this is short and late but its very straight forward and I really didn't know how else to write it

There was a tug at his shirt, jolting him out of his reverie and he was being watched by nervous, expecting eyes. He opened his mouth to speak but the words died on his tongue and left a rancid, foul taste in his mouth which promptly caused him to shut it quickly.

There was another tug; much more insistent and it was to his entire arm this time. He forced his gaze to the screen attached to the back of the seat in front of him but his eyes couldn’t focus of the words or colors on the screen and he watched them instead with distorted vision as if he was peering through a broken kaleidoscope. 

Buzzing in his right ear, a smoke screen fogging his thoughts, tingling in his right forearm from a tight grip. Slowly, he was able to disfigure the arrangements of static he had heard from the phone line and hear the words that were being shouted behind it.

“Ayato! Hey, come back to me.” A warm wind washed over his cheeks and it took him longer than he wished to admit to realize it was a person’s breath.

White and gray came into his field of vision and suddenly everything else fell out of focus and all he could see was gray.

“Ayato, what happened? What did she say to you?”

Ayato’s jaw slacked and he blinked rapidly. “It’s Touka…”

Kaneki’s eyes widened with impatience but he kept his face apathetic in attempt to tranquil the boy next to him.

“She said th…Aogiri is attacking Anteiku.”

Kaneki’s reaction was immediate. He straightened in his seat and positioned himself to get out of his chair when an arm and everything else attached to it obstructed his path.

Ayato gripped Kaneki’s armrest, enclosing him in his own makeshift cage.

“No,” he croaked anxiously.

Kaneki’s brows furrowed in a mixture of emotions. “Aya, we need to leave now. Your sister is in danger—”

“No!” His arms began to tremble in their hold and suddenly his cage’s iron bars became malleable and weak.

“No,” he repeated in a low whisper and averted his eyes from Kaneki’s agitated face. “It’s suicide.”

No noise came from the half-ghoul Ayato had trapped and he was about to open his mouth to continue to persuade Kaneki to stay when another voice washed over his.

“Excuse me, can you please take your seats. We will be taking off shortly.”

Ayato looked up at the tight-lipped flight attendant and there was no room for argument in her expression. He pulled his arm back slightly and before he realized his mistake Kaneki had already gotten out of his seat.

The half-ghoul bowed gently at the waist apologizing to the attendant. “Excuse me, I need to leave now.” He didn’t spare neither the attendant nor his boyfriend another glance before he ran out of the plane’s cabin and out its front door.

Ayato met the woman’s shocked eyes before he ripped out of the row and ran down the aisle in a relentless chase he would’ve found amusing if it weren’t for the anxiety that knotted in his gut.

\--

He tore through the tunnel, stumbling, dizzy from the funhouse effect, spinning, spinning, always spinning. Colors exploded through his vision, bursting like a festered wound. He took a breath to steady himself, bowed at the hip and clenched his fingers in the fabric of his jeans. He closed his heavy eyes and didn’t open them until the black pores stopped dancing behind his lids.

He stared at the grey carpet and straightened himself, blinking, remembering where he was. He sprinted, colliding with the metal door at the end of the tunnel when his hands weren’t able to function correctly and push the damn handle.

Dazed, he stood still for a few seconds, wide eyes scanning the gate area before they landed on a large green sign that hung from the ceiling: _Baggage Claim—Exit._

He followed the signs, his legs stiff, shuffling through the building’s maze like a card in the wrong deck. Before he knew he had broken into a run and had entered the baggage claim of the airport.

Ayato spun, searching until his eyes landed on a familiar figure.

His mouth opened slightly, but he had forgotten why he had done so in the first place. He stumbled, his movements uncoordinated, his limbs uncooperative. He reached out, his fingers brushing against the black material before they grasped the arm tightly.

The wave of sound hit him hard, causing him to flinch.

“You came—come on I called a cab already. If we leave now we can get there in half an hour. It shouldn’t be—”

Ayato tugged harshly on the arm he held so desperately in his pale fingers.

Kaneki stared at him perplexed.

“No,” it was a rasp of air he forced out of his lungs.

“No. Stay here. I’ll go, she’s my sister,” Ayato’s grip slipped and he found himself moving towards the automatic doors with hesitant steps. “Stay here. I won’t take long I promise. She’s fine, she’s okay, everything’s fine.”

Kaneki lurched towards him grabbing his arms in a tight hold, taking their own turn like impatient kids waiting in the line for the carousel.

“What? No, we’re going together.” Kaneki stared down at him with stern eyes.

“Are you stupid? Kaneki—” Ayato pursed his lips and furrowed his brow and he wasn’t able to finish his sentence because his tongue finally caught up to his brain and it had lost the track along the way, letting the letters hang off his lip.

“She’s my family too, Aya. Besides, if they raided Anteiku it means everyone’s in trouble not just Touka,” Kaneki’s eyes darted to his sides as he spoke; a nervous tick he had developed recently. “It’s my responsibility, I swore I would protect them and I can’t go back on my word.”

Ayato met his gaze and held it and the building blocks clicked, falling into place and he realized that there was no way he could persuade Kaneki to stay behind.

He nodded gently and Kaneki relaxed visibly.

There was a loud honk that caused them to jump apart from each other. Ayato turned toward the sound, staring at the yellow vehicle with an acute sensation that told him that they were not coming back.

\--

Ayato’s fingers fidgeted, fumbling with the seat belt’s smooth edges; he wasn’t even wearing it, he never had the few times he had been in a car. It gave him an odd feeling of being grounded to the earth—a reminder of sorts of his existence and how easily it could be taken away from him. The belt figuratively tied him down and kept him at arm’s length from his disassociation. 

His knee was compressed between five tense fingers and he glanced at Kaneki, catching his reassuring expression.

He turned back to the window and watched as the shadows and corners of buildings being temporarily illuminated by the orange street lights.

His mind registered the sound of Kaneki’s voice, but it wasn’t directed towards him and then the cab halted and with it the shadows and corners of the buildings; stopping as if they had been caught.

Ayato let go of the belt cautiously as he pushed the door open and slid off of the leather seat.

His eyes were trained on the lonesome street light and his gaze didn’t waver at the sound of Kaneki exchanging words with the driver nor when the cab finally pulled away from the curb and drove off until it was only but the gentle hum of the engine’s scream.

His fingers fumbled with his smooth, worn out scarf as he straightened it so that the two ends were even.

They walked together in silence with a tentative pace and bated breaths.

And then the sound started to seep through their walls, the silent wails of the wind gushing and sudden heat that smothered the air.

Ayato broke into a run, his legs moving before his brain had even signaled them to do so. He heard the noise of the gravel being kicked under their persistent feet.

And then he ceased and his legs quivered and he felt a bump against his shoulder from where Kaneki had collided with him.

Their world was suddenly illuminated.

In the tall distance, he could see the gray smoke billowing across the night sky consuming the darkness in a thick blanket of ash. The flames licked around the buildings post, pitching like a serpent spitting kerosene through its venomous fangs.

Kaneki gripped his shoulders and forced him to turn in his hold.

Orange hues flickered across his gray orbs and tinting even his sclera. “Go find your sister,” his eyes darted towards the high rooftops of the buildings; Ayato eyes followed rolling over the figures that stood on the roofs looking down at them tauntingly. “I’ll deal with them, just make sure no one is in that fire, okay?”

Ayato lolled his head back to Kaneki and nodded slowly. He raked his eyes over the boy’s body almost as if he was committing it to memory before he crashed against Ayato’s lifeless lips.

Kaneki ripped away and Ayato pulled him back by the collar of his shirt and forced their eyes to meet. “You better come back to me Ken, or I will make it a living Hell for everybody on this fucking planet,”” he spat.

Kaneki smiled lovingly at the threat and pressed his forehead against Ayato’s for a few short seconds, whispering to him his quiet promise of love and Ayato could only nod in return. A coward who could never confess his love.

The boy quickly whirled around to face the burning building, his heart clenched with fear, too afraid to think of what he might find inside.

He rested a hand on the brick, letting its rough shape prickle against his palm.

He scaled the building, climbing along the pipe that snaked Antekiu’s side. He huffed out a breath and stopped once he was met with a dark window. With one hand he wound back, tick, tick, tick pulling the crank back to the music box until his fist flew out and punched through the glass window. The shards skidded across the floor and Ayato quickly jumped in through the fresh hole, ignoring the ache in his hand and the familiar sensation of blood dripping off his knuckles.

Running through the apartment, he quickly made his way out and into the long stretch of hallway. He sprinted to the end taking the steps in two as he made his way down the stairs. When he reached the door he hesitated, listening to the crackling that came from behind. He slowly reached out to grasp the door knob, his hand immediately blistering from the heat. Ayato winced in pain and stepped back from the door. He took an unnecessarily large breath before he kicked the door with as much force he could muster.

It fell off its hinges, making a loud thud as it hit the ground.

The overwhelming smell of wood and smolder drifted into the house like incense and it made Ayato pause before he ran into the coffee shop.

His throat burned and his eyes watered, his lungs rattling in his chest as he coughed into his arms.

“Touka!”

He watched with catious eyes as the fire wound around the room, licking out with seductive tongues, devouring wood as it spread up the length of the walls, crawling along the ceiling, insistent, caustic.

“Touka,” he howled, hoping desperately he wouldn’t receive an answer.

He moved, skidding across the ground, trying his best to avoid the burning walls and the large mushroom plumes that clouded his vision.

He opened his mouth to call out one last time when his eyes landed on something peculiar. A limb; a leg to be precise. The pale appendage disappeared behind the stretch of wooden island.

He ducked under the fallen beam that obstructed his path, crawling like an infant across the charcoaled ground. Ayato grunted as his elbows dragged his body, his bones crunching under the weight of the beams and cabinets that had fallen over.

He reached out and grabbed the bare ankle, letting the unexpected warmth of the skin pulse through his palm. He heaved the body towards him, falling backwards as a scream crept up his throat.

She was badly burned, her left side had crusted over in black, red raw tissue peeking beneath. Large, infected boils covered the skin that peered from beneath the burned material of what used to be her clothes and the bristled black inched up her body, consuming half her face.

Ayato shrieked, acidic fear spilling over his lips as he hurled, heaving violently as he emptied his body, spooning out his insides. He stared back at the remains of his sister, watching with watery vision as the red hues danced over her green skin.

A breath rattled through Touka, spluttering out drool from the corner of her lips. Ayato lurched forward and screeched what must have been her name.

He wrapped his arms around her body, dragging them both out from under the wreckage.

“To-ouka..Touk—you’ll be okay,” choked words fell from his lips.

He bent at his waist and gripped his underarms, pulling her out from under the last beam before he heaved her onto his back. Wincing from the pain that blossomed in his back from her weight, he stumbled towards the hallway he had come from.

A plume of fire curled from the opening, veining against the door’s posts.

“Shit!” He staggered backwards, recoiling from the wave of heat.

He felt Touka’s body press against his, inflating with a small breath, as a warbling sound gurgled out of her throat. “Ha…ya...t.”

He shushed her as panic swelled in his chest. “It’s okay Touka, I’ll get you out of here.”

“Ya…to…st-t-t...p…lea-he-ve.”

Ayato fumbled towards the front door of the shop, ignoring his sister’s pleas. He wrapped his palm around the scolding hot metal handle, clenching his jaw as a scream whistled through the gaps in his teeth. Pain pulsated across his hand as he yanked the door open and quickly ran through it, allowing the cool air to flood in from outside.

He slowly inched his way to the empty street, attempting to get as far from the heat as he could. Ayato set Touka down gently, cradling her head in his uninjured hand.

She stared up at him, with plump open lips and the one exhausted eye she had left.

He bent his head in her lap, holding her loosely, allowing the drowned wails of his grief to lull her to sleep. He held her, until her aching breaths evened out to a sudden stop.

\--

It came in waves.

When the ship was first wrecked, he was drowning, thrashing, arms reaching out clutching at empty water, wreckage surrounding him. He watched through the curtain of blue hues as mangled ship parts started to sink around him; his chest clenched painfully at the sight—witnessing something that was once so beautiful, full of life, being dragged down to the depths.

He tore his gaze from the wreckage to focus on the bright light that shimmered through the surface, dancing around the rippled waves with such grace. He swam up and with each stroke of his arms it seemed that his body became heavier, his legs deadweight attempting to drag him down as well—forcing him to join the wreckage in her slumber.

He kicked out, arms and legs flailing frantically until he was able to break through the surface and his lungs were given the oxygen they so desperately required.

He attempted to float as he continued to inhale and exhale, exhale, exhale. Out of the corner of his eye he spotted something, floating along like him, surviving.

He swam towards it with tired limbs and threw his upper body on top of the small piece of wreckage. He gripped it, despair leaking through his tear ducts, relief washing over him knowing that he had if only just this single piece left. A quaint, lovely piece full of warm laughter and bright smiles.

He found himself laughing, hysterically almost, but the happiness croaked its death when he noticed the enormous wave coming towards him. He braced himself and held the piece to his chest but he wasn’t able to evade its departure, its laughter and smiles slipping through his fingers until it was nothing more than just a dull ache that resonated through his chest.

When he broke the surface a second time he was embraced by a thick plume of darkness.

There was a voice, keeling beside him and it took him a moment to realize it was not his own.

With a flicker of his lashes his vision was cleared.

There was a girl, kneeling in front of him, with her head low and her face hidden by of shuck of honey-brown hair. She was sobbing, anguished, and he wondered if she was only reflecting how he appeared.

“Onee-chan…”

Ayato furrowed his brow in confusion and was about to retort angrily that Touka was his sister and his only when he was interrupted by someone else.

This voice was much deeper, gruff, harsh almost. “Miss Fueguchi we must leave at this moment if we are to find Tsukiyama.”

Ayato turned towards the man, dazed, but the man would not meet his gaze, would not acknowledge his existence.

“F-flower man can wait,” the girl choked out but she began to stand up as she did so. When she made a move to walk towards the white-haired man she stopped abruptly and stared at him as if she had just noticed his presence.

“You’re ‘Nee-chan’s brother,” she stated evenly.

He stared at her at a loss of how to reply or if to reply to this strange girl at all.

“Miss…” The man warned.

The girl stared at him with wide, watery eyes and small red nose. “Come with us,” she demanded.

Ayato opened his mouth to protest but she stuck out her hand at him expectantly and before he knew it he was clutching to her like a life line as the tall man led them away from the burning building.

There was the distant wail of sirens and the three of them perked at the sound.

“Doves,” the girl whispered, fearfully.

Ayato narrowed his eyes, but wasn’t able to see any vehicles or investigators; they were still far.

“We need to get out of here. Between the CCG and Aogiri…”

The sentence continued to drawl on but Ayato didn’t catch the rest of it. He halted and the sudden action jolted the girl back as their conjoined hands acted like a stretched elastic band.

“What’s wrong?” She asked in a meek voice as if she didn’t really want to hear his answer.

His heart stopped all together. How could he have forgotten about Aogiri?

“Kaneki,” Ayato said in realization. The girl’s hand tightened around his in response to hearing the half-ghoul’s name.

“Onii-chan is here?!”

Ayato did not answer; he began running instead, unsure if the girl and the strange man followed. He watched as the ground lashed beneath him and the buildings whipped past him. He gritted his teeth and a sudden overwhelming anger boiled in the pits of his stomach. His kagune began to unfurl from its sac, bubbling at the surface of his flesh until it broke through and illuminated the dark night around it.

Wandering, aimlessly it may seem, he searched attempting to catch even the slightest hint of Kaneki’s scent in the air.

There was a faint knocking, a creature scratching at the walls of his mind, a fear that could not be quenched. He chose to ignore it, telling himself that there was no chance, no string in reality, where that fear could possibly come to life.

And then he was enveloped in it. The _smell_ the overwhelming aroma that washed over his senses. His heart jumped into his throat, clogging his airway. He ran faster than he ever had in his life, with a purpose for once, a destination he so desperately needed to reach.

He skidded around a corner, grabbing the edge of the building to steady himself. He stared with heightened breath.

The one-eyed owl.

\--

Thin white gauze danced in the wind, falling into place, nestling in her curves and ending at her feet.

“Eto.”

She smiled sickeningly at him, her grin too wide for her petite face. It was the first time Ayato had ever seen her fully, without the bandages and the childish hooded dress covering the entirety of her body.

Her bright hair fell evenly behind her shoulders as she cocked her head to look at him.

“Ayato,” she sang, “It’s so nice of you to join us. You’re just in time for the main course.”

Ayato furrowed his eyebrows at her and scowled, his kagune flashing bright vermillion as he did so. Eto’s eyes seem to widen, excitedly at the action, stepping forward, peering as if she was trying to get a better look at something behind him.

Ayato quickly glanced behind him, his eyes colliding with the indifferent ones of his superior, Tatara. He glanced back at the female ghoul before looking up to the building’s roof knowing who he would see before he even laid eyes on Noro’s familiar mask.

Eto waved her finger at him disapprovingly. “Uh uh uh, Ayato you just got here! You can’t possibly leave the party so soon.”

Ayato tensed visibly as she angled her head towards him predatorily and side-stepped to allow him to view behind her. “After all, it’s not polite to leave before dinner.”

There was a body strewn on the ground, lain on its side facing away from Ayato. The usual silky white hair was now matted with dirt and blood and the legs of his kagune had been severely severed from his body. Now they lay, a dull lifeless red by Kaneki’s still head.

“Ken!” Ayato lurched forward but was restrained by Tatara, his wide kagune wrapping around his middle like a tight red coil.

Eto giggled in a girlish tone and placed her foot on Kaneki’s side. With a bit of force she was able to turn his body so that he lay on his back.

Ayato felt bile crawl up his throat and he was wondering if there was anything left to heave besides his organs.

The street light droned, its light beginning to flicker, illuminating the street in an odd way. Kaneki’s pale face seemed to flicker as well but it was only the optical illusion caused by the lamp’s malfunction.

He could faintly register the sound of Eto’s laughter but it seemed like the image before him was overflowing his other senses drowning everything else to a dismal hum.

The sockets were vacant, large gashes in the form of abysses burrowed his face; its flesh torn, red and raw as if his beautiful grey orbs had been clawed out and he had been left with the gaping injuries, his pearl white cheeks caked with dry blood and tear tracks.

His middle had loosened and he was allowed to fall to his knees, crawling towards the body on feeble legs. He was almost afraid to touch the half-ghoul, fearful that Kaneki would fall apart in his arms.

He reached out with a timid hand but withdrew it before he could make contact.

“Well, it looks like we better get going, Ayato-kun,” Eto twirled into his vision, leaning over Kaneki’s body to peer at the boy. Ayato felt a sudden protectiveness, an urge to drag Kaneki closer to him and out from Eto’s looming stare.

“W-what?” Ayato’s voice shattered like broken glass.

Eto smiled innocently. “Obviously, dum-dum. We need to leave before the CCG come. They’re such a bother,” she stroked her hair with one of her hands as she spoke.

Ayato’s face fell with disappointment. “You—You’re aren’t going to kill me?”

Eto snorted with amusement. “Of course not! That would be too easy, and you know we don’t practice mercy at Aogiri.”

Ayato whirled around on his knees to look at Tatara pleadingly, but when he searched his face he found no sympathy. “You should have never left Aogiri Tree, Ayato Kirishima.”

Eto waved comically at him before they left. As soon as their figures were out of sight Ayato turned to face Kaneki.

He placed his hands on his shoulders gently and scanned his body for injuries. The half-ghoul’s left arm had been ripped off and it appeared to have been in the process of regeneration but had stopped along the way.

Ayato’s eyes widened and filled to the brim with tears. He leaned into Kaneki’s chest searching for a pulse with his fingers, but he found no rhythmic beating beneath his fingertips. He pressed harder, determined to feel something, anything.

He found nothing.

Instead, he found himself being pulled back by the waves. There was no wreckage to hold onto, nothing to brace himself against the aggressive tide. And this time he did not thrash, he felt no need to break through the surface and fill his lungs, to keep his heart beating.

The light rippled, diving between the waves but it never grasped him and he never stretched his hand out to meet it halfway.

He wondered if he would find the ships when he reached the depths.


	9. Dissonance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dissonance: lack of harmony; a tension or clash resulting from the combination of two disharmonious or unsuitable elements

His feet ached, calloused and cracked and his back broke under the pressure of the swollen air. As the night crashed outside the walls, promising him it was nothing, whispering in a sorrowful voice, “Please dear, try to focus.” The shivers echoed one by one off his spine, diluting in the air. He felt the world heave, felt the moon on his skin, and the veins that wound tightly around his heart, piercing it like barbed wire.

And he misunderstood.

Had let himself be tricked, persuaded into believing, finding faith, when he knew it was no more than a sweet wisp of a lie.

And he was mistaken.

Believed, truly believed with every ounce of blood that coursed through him, the entirety of his being, that he was _more._ Destined.

And he was naïve. A child.

To think there would be a world that thrummed in harmony, in coexistence and acceptance. To believe he merited what they had, _so easily had_.

And he was in love.

And out of it.

Fooled to wish for more, a fair shot at life, a typical story-tale happy ending—the life his family had so desperately worked to achieve. For he had consumed every syllable of their lies, their hopes, with an open mouth and greedy intentions. With open arms and slit wrists and a sewed taut mouth, he had loved and been loved. It had lapped at every drop of blood he had left until he was an open, cracked shell of who he was once before. Casted aside when he was of no more use, drained of every morsel of humanity he held, he grieved.

And he realized.

Just where he stood on this playing field; he stood with a tired form and legs that threatened to give out, without a purpose, dodging their words and slurs. Disgust.

So it was easy to give in. To give up. To throw down his arms in surrender and become the cruelty they so eagerly labeled him as.

The moon frowned upon him, swallowing the black of the night in her puckered lips and spitting it back out in red, all the while whispering, “Please dear, try to focus.” He chuckled at its insistence, a manic growl that bubbled off his lips. There was no hope in denying the request, to renounce the being that grew inside, pounding at his walls, shifting beneath his latex skin like muffled screams of dying children.

He sank his teeth, ripping the flesh beneath, causing blood to pool, cries to deafen, a pulse to relent its beats.

He smiled, a tooth filled grin.

He was a ghoul. Not to be mistaken as a human.

Someone had once taught him that the boundary separating the two was more of a concept than a reality. He had believed that person because he had still been alive then, blinded by the screeching light that came from his heart. His love. His compassion, his humanity. Now dead, gone, a mere murmur of the night, he was free to do as he pleased.

And he misunderstood.

\--

He stumbled, his foot bending slightly under his weight sending an exhilarating shock of agony up his leg; he blamed the booze for his incoordination. He stuck the appendage out and flexed the muscle, moving it in a circular motion, ignoring the wondrous crunch that he received.

His gaze rose from the damp ground to land on a tall building; one he hadn’t noticed the last time he walked through this ward. It must have been a new construction and upon observing it he realized it was Holy ground—a Christian church to be exact.

He leered at the building, wondering why anyone would waste their time on something as foolish as religion. For all he cared there was no such thing as a higher entity overlooking them all, ruling them like a game of chess. Thwarting a pawn here or there when they deemed it unworthy of life. However, Ayato did not overrule the thought of Hell; the idea was all too pleasing to deny. At least this way he could feel slightly at ease knowing a few people would certainly be sent to an eternity of pain, even if he himself was one of those few lucky visitors.

Averting his stare he continued to walk away when his foot grazed over something hard that split under his weight, causing a loud crack to waft the air.

He lifted his foot and found a shattered shard of vibrant glass under it. Ayato picked it up, flipping it over in his palms, allowing the rough edges to snip at his soft skin. He glanced up at the broken window that perched high above the ground; a near perfect image of a woman holding a baby in her arm aside from the gaping hole where her head should be. Ayato felt a laugh bubble in his chest and he decided to keep the piece of glass, satisfied with the poetic justice that resided inside his pocket.

When he reached the familiar apartment complex he tossed aside the bottle of blood wine he had been holding and decided it would be a better idea to sneak in through one of the windows instead of having to walk through the front door and be confronted by people he’d rather not speak to. He did just that, using the fire escape to climb up the side of building.

Reaching the window to his room he slid it open, glad that no one had decided to lock it while he was gone. They shouldn’t be in his room anyway; nosy bastards.

He flopped on his bed, shielding his eyes with his arm and listened to the dull buzz of voices that came from outside his door. Pulling the shard of glass out of his jacket, glinting in the morning light, he wondered if Kaneki had been religious. Perhaps he had been when he was human; he did fit the type quite well, but Ayato could see why that might’ve changed with time, especially after everything the poor human had suffered through.

There was a timid knock at his door and Ayato thought about sneaking back out through the window just to avoid having to speak to anyone but decided against it. “What?”

The door opened in response to his harsh call. Hinami stood there, a grim expression set on her face and a dark grey dress that ate up her frame and made her look smaller than she was.

“Are you coming to the burial?”

Ayato had to replay the question in his head because he couldn’t decipher it the first time due to her shy, low voice.

“Why would I?” He sneered at her, narrowing his eyes slightly.

She did not answer. She only gave him a knowing look that made Ayato want to throw the piece of glass he held right at her perfect little head.

“Whole place will probably be crawling with doves anyway. You shouldn’t go either unless you want to join my dumb sister six feet under,” he muttered the last part under his breath trying to conceal the small part of him that actually worried for the girl.

Hinami shook her head at him, a small smile crossing her face. “No they won’t. The CCG didn’t know she was the Rabbit, you made sure of that, didn’t you?” She closed the door before hearing Ayato’s response, but even if she had stuck around Ayato wasn’t sure he would have been able to conjure up a retort.

\--

It was sunny, annoyingly so. An unusual forecast for Tokyo in the middle of winter, but it seemed that the sun was able to crack through the heavens if only to shine down on the earth for this one day.

Pulling his hood over his ungroomed head and tightening his mask over the lower half of his face, just in case his prediction of investigators had been correct, Ayato shifted behind the tree line.

The lush, green hillside was surprisingly full of a few dozen people, the majority of them wore unfamiliar faces and Ayato couldn’t fathom how Touka had known so many people in her lifetime. He supposed there were many things about his sister he had yet to discover.

He wasn’t sure why he had come in the first place; he had told Hinami he wouldn’t, but then again he always had been a liar at heart. He was still a bit bitter he supposed, over the fact that Kaneki wouldn’t be able to receive a funeral. His body hadn’t been found and it wasn’t like they could hold a memorial for someone who had been technically identified by the CCG as the ghoul, Eyepatch, a missing college student in the eye of the public. Ayato had theorized that Aogiri had taken the body; it was the only plausible reason, albeit fucked up. Not even in death they could leave Kaneki in peace.

He ended up seated on the ground, his mask at his feet when he realized that no one would notice him and that he’d be here for a rather long time; longer than his feet could support. He passed the time with his mind far from thoughts of his sister and the fire and instead concentrated on creating life stories for all of the funeral attendants.

There was a woman, a girl really, drowning in her own tears with her face buried in her hands and Ayato could practically feel the vibrations of her sobs all the way across the field. She was young, around Touka’s age, a human and probably one that went to the same school as his sister. He decided that this girl was a very close friend to her, someone who cherished, loved her truly and kept watch of her in the moments when he could not. The thought settled well with him so he decided to move on to the next story.

There was a man, wearing a worn down suit and a solemn expression with his arms joined at his front. He placed a small flower at the table next to the burial; it held many bundles of flowers, incense, and small white cards. Ayato rocked on his crossed legs and decided that it was one of Touka’s teachers, coming by to pay his respects.

There was a man which a shock of dark blonde hair and a girl next to him with maroon cropped hair. The woman was a human and from what he could smell the man was a ghoul. Ayato furrowed his brow; what an odd pair. He knew the man, someone he had seen at Anteiku a few times. He thought his name started with an ‘N’, but there was no way Ayato could be sure. Not unless he went up there and asked him himself; the idea caused a burst of laughter to spill out of his mouth. He stopped, catching himself.

He bowed his head, finding purchase on his knees and tried to keep the waves at bay. When he looked back up people were already starting to leave. His eyes searched the crowd and when they fell on the familiar figure his heart instantly calmed.

Hinami held the hand of a red-headed woman that reminded Ayato a bit of Rize, in her appearance at least. He did not move to leave until the car Hinami had crawled into was long gone. When he turned around he was met with the face of a boy.

Ayato stumbled backwards, astonished that someone had been able to walk up behind him without the ghoul noticing, and a human at that.

The boy leaned forward curiously yet cautious, a frown adorning his face before he stuck out a hand and smiled widely.

“Hi, I’m Hide.”

The name rang a bell and his eyes widened with realization. He mumbled a hello back but did not take the hand which finally dropped back to Hide’s side when he realized Ayato had no intention of shaking it.

“Are you related to Touka? You guys bear striking resemblance,” Hide’s smile saddened a bit.

Ayato nodded slowly and hid the mask he held in his hand behind his back. Hide’s eyes followed the action but he made no comment and his gaze quickly returned to Ayato.

“Brother, right?”

Ayato nodded again, feeling slightly unhinged that the boy had not accused him of being a ghoul and was able to continue his chatter.

“Say, you haven’t happen to see my friend Kaneki around have you?” Hide rubbed at the back of his neck nervously and shifted his eyes to the ground.

Ayato’s breath died in the base of his lungs and he felt his mind scatter for words but was unable to find any in the end. He felt his eyes prickle with tears and his realization came too late, a tear already rolling down his pale cheek.

A pain surged through his chest and he felt an urge to physically clench it with his hand in hopes of getting rid of the sensation.

 _The poor boy had no idea_.

Hide stuttered slightly, stepping closer to Ayato. “I, uh, sorry this probably isn’t the right moment to ask…” He reached out to touch Ayato’s shoulder but dropped it before it even managed to reach halfway. “But you do know him right?”

Ayato bit his lip and nodded. Hide took a step back, a hand running through his blonde locks.

“Well, I guess I’ll see you around…” He strained his eyes slightly.

“Ayato,” he rasped out.

“Ayato,” Hide paused, “My condolences, for your sister. I didn’t know her that well, but I know she was a wonderful person.”

He didn’t reply only gave a small gesture of acknowledgement before he started to turn, attempting to leave and escape this painful conversation.

“Ayato,” Hide blurted. Ayato turned allowing the boy at least this one last question, knowing it would be one before he even spoke.

“What were you to Kaneki? Were you close?” Hide asked, hope clear in his voice.

Ayato thought about the question carefully before he simply replied with a cold, “Nothing. I was nothing to him, barely knew the guy.”

\--

A loud curse rang through the apartment, causing Hinami to jolt slightly in her seat. She put her book down and sauntered down the hallway until she came to the room where the yell had originated.

Itori was crouched by a cabinet of hers, grumbling under her breath. When she noticed Hinami she quickly shut it and stood, grinning as if she had been caught doing something she shouldn’t have.

Hinami frowned. “Itori-chan why are you here? And in Ayato’s room?”

Itori’s maroon eyes glistened in the dim light, widening with faux innocence. “Oh nothing really. Neh, where is he by the way?” She asked, crowing at the girl as she quickly ushered them out of the room.

Hinami pouted at the change of topic. “I don’t know. He has been gone for a while, hasn’t he?”

Itori scoffed and led them to the kitchen, twirling on her heels as she did. “Longer than his usual excursions,” she rolled her eyes and then added swiftly, “I’m sure he’s fine.”

Hinami nodded in unconvinced agreement and watched as Itori started to raid the kitchen cabinets. When she was done she leaned against the counter, stumped, with her arms crossed and an angry scowl on her face. She turned to look at Hinami, suspicion in her gaze.

“Hinami-chan, you haven’t seen a red bottle around here have you?”

The brunette cocked her head in thought. “Eh, I think I saw something in Ayato’s room. Is that why you were in there?”

Itori’s eyes widened and she stomped her foot on the ground, swearing. “Ah, I knew that brat took my wine!”

 

Tipping the bottle back, he took a swig of sour blood letting it singe on his tongue and eyed the street. It was rather vacant of souls, barren and dim with a street lamp that continued to flicker on and off on and off on and… _the street light droned, its light beginning to flicker, illuminating the street in an odd way. Kaneki’s pale face seemed to flicker as well, inconstant, like many things in life. Flickering, flickering, those eyelashes never will. Crying, sobbing, those eyes never will. For how can a dam break when there is no water to push from behind, no less there are no orbs for that river to reside in?_

He tore away from the memory, settling instead for the pleasurable burn of the wine trickling down his throat. He’d always been partial to the image of liquor as lubrication; a layer of protection from all the sharp thoughts in his head. He drank often, but never to the point of drunkenness, he reasoned with himself. Only needed just a nip. Enough to fuzz the corners of his mind, until he wasn’t allowed to dwell on the past and could only live in the present. No more than that. Crossing that fine line, was putting himself in peril, verging on suicidal. He needed that bit of consciousness and logic to stay alert in the circumstance that misfortune came his way.

And speaking of trouble.

There was a crowd of ghouls, fumbling in a circle, jittered like small children waiting for their turn to play with a new toy. They were howling with laughter, hooting like sordid wolves and it oddly reminded Ayato of the Ghoul Restaurant.

He had stumbled on a brawl. Two young girls, clothes torn, dirty and emaciated were fighting.  Two men on either side of the girls held them by the chains that collared around there necks in tight, cold metal, jerking them back when they were being too harsh on the other.

Ayato sneered at the scene, revolted by these perverted assholes and started to walk past the group.

One of the girls caught his gaze, staring at him with wide hopeful eyes; eyes that had seen too much bloodshed caused by her own hands.

Ayato stopped, mulling over the thought of helping her but decided against it. Winking at her, and saluting cynically with one hand he took another gulp of the bottle and continued on his way.

Until he was stopped.

“Oi kid! What do you think you’re doing on my turf?”

Ayato turned around, agitated and slowly blinked in mock at the man that had called after him.

He ran his tongue over his lower lip. “Is it? Do excuse my surprise, I was just not expecting,” he raked his eyes over the bald man, “someone like you to control such a large piece of ground.”

The man practically fumed at the insult, his hands clenching, and the veins in his tattooed neck popping. Ayato chuckled at the sight, amused by how easy it had been to tick off this guy.

The man glared at him for a moment before turning to his entourage. “Get this bitch and chain him like the rest!” He spat, his words coating the air in thick saliva.

His men nodded and started to saunter over to Ayato.

Ayato rolled his head back, a smile spreading over his lips as they kissed the bottle, drinking its sweet nectar. The jar was ripped out of his hand, forcefully.

Ayato pouted at his empty hands and glared at the man that had thrown his blood wine on the ground, letting its red contents splatter the black ground.

“Now that was just uncalled for,” he said playfully and arched his back, rolling the musculature as it stretched and burst.

Three ghouls surrounded him, their kagunes’ unshielded, their eyes bloodshot, wide and lustful for gore. The one to his left eyed him hungrily before his kagune slimed out to wrap around his ankle. Shooting out vermillion crystals, he was able to sever the appendage that gripped his leg and quickly aimed his bullets to hit on the acquired target.

The ghoul that had attacked him first winced and stepped back letting the other two begin to surround Ayato. They ambushed him at once, catching him off guard and forcing him to have to jump on higher ground. Leaping off the ledge, he landed on one of the lager ghouls, pinning him under his arms.

The man’s eyes widened comically, his mouth gaped as if he were about to beg for his life when Ayato lurched forward to bite into his jugular. The other ghoul’s screams died in his throat, his yells gurgling as he choked on his blood.

Ayato knelt on the body, his face caked in red, his eyes lit with savagery.

“So, who’s next?”

 

The girls shaking with fear and a sense of relief, hugged each other in the cold night. Their tattered clothes clung to their small, lithe bodies with sweat. They were never given much clothes, not even now when they were forced to fight during the coldest months of the year; this way their bodies were more accessible to the men when desired.

They gawked in awe at the ghoul that had just killed their captors; the man that had saved them!

He stood, coughing up blood into his elbow, his orbs narrowed, watching them out of the corner of his eye as if he suspected they would attack him at any moment.

One of the girls stepping forward, swaying on her tired limbs. “Thank you,” she crowed.

The dark haired boy turned to face them, his eyes averted, scanning the bodies below him.

He huffed in a dissatisfied tone and said, “It’s such a shame that there’s nothing to eat here.”

\--

Hinami heard a slight crash vibrate through her walls. Instantly recognizing the origin of the sound, she threw the covers off her body and sprinted out of her room. She threw the door open, her breath slightly caught in her throat; her body still trying to catch up to the sudden movement.

She ground her teeth in annoyance once the initial wave of relief had passed.

“Where’ve you been?” She crossed her arms and leaned against the wooden door frame.

Ayato sat on the end of his bed, his eyes crinkling with pain. “Shit, no hello first?”

Hinami’s face softened as she walked over to the boy who eyed her warily, unsure of what she might do. She knelt by the bed scanning his body for injuries.

His face was a bit bashed, blood tinting the corner of his lips and she was sure that if she looked under his clothes there would be dark purple blooming over his ribcage.

She quickly shuffled out of the room and slipped into the bathroom. After she had searched the cabinets for rubbing alcohol and some cotton balls and had found them, she returned to the room.

Ayato was laying against the wall that his bed was propped against when she came back. She crawled on the bed ignoring the boys glare.

Hinami started to clean his wounds pretending she couldn’t hear Ayato’s complaints.

Once she was down she sat still her hands filled with damp cotton balls.

“You were gone for a while; few weeks.”

Ayato hummed in agreement and settled for staring at the crescent moon as it held the open sky like a wide yellow dish.

Hinami felt her eyes bubble with fresh tears she hadn’t been meaning to spill. It took Ayato a while to notice and when he did he just stared, uncomfortable and unsure of how to comfort.

He growled softly. “Don’t cry. Why are you crying?”

Hinami sniffled and averted her gaze defiantly.

Ayato cringed at his bad solace and shifted slightly closer to the girl. “I-uh…Please don’t cry; I’m not mad. Just tell me what’s wrong.”

Hinami turned to him, her eyes filled with tears, glazed over with hurt, her lower lip quivering with brimming emotion. She fisted the sheets in her hands and scowled at Ayato.

“You! You’re what’s wrong! You keep leaving and doing dumb shit, risking your life like it’s worth nothing,” she pointed accusingly at him. “Don’t you get it, Ayato? You’re the closest thing I have to family left.”

She lowered her head, shielding her eyes, light brown that held half her heart in each.

“Everyone else is dead.”

The statement shocked him, even if it was one that circled his mind often at night. He had just not been expecting those worse to fall out of Hinami’s mouth; not from a girl like her. Someone so full of life and joy. Someone Ayato wished he could be like.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered quickly, “and look that’s not true. You still have Yomo and that creepy French guy, and Nishiki. And Koma and Irimi always stop by to check up on you.”

He attempted his best to smile reassuringly at her. “You have lots a people who care about you; they’re not all dead, Hinami.”

Hinami sniffled and scratched at her puffy cheeks. “What about you?”

Ayato was stunned for a few seconds before he straightened his face and faked a smile; something he had seen Kaneki do frequently before.

“I have you.”

Hinami’s eyes brightened and she broke out into a grin. She leapt into the boy’s reluctant arms and hugged him tightly. When she let go it had appeared that she'd never been crying.

They stayed like that for a couple minutes, a long silence stretched between them to match the awkward smiles on their faces.

Hinami got up to leave but she paused at the door.

The hallway light illuminated her small dark figure. “Hey?”

Ayato looked at her expectantly.

“I’m opening a coffee shop with the old crew tomorrow. You should drop by some time.”

She beamed at him and slipped away before he had the chance to reject the idea.

\--

As the day crept through the night’s shadows and the ghouls and humans began to rise, Hinami came to fetch Ayato, hoping she had caught him early enough in the day and would be able to convince him to come along with her. With three raps to the door and with a quick look inside, her fears were verified.

 

His calloused hands coiled tightly around the metal chains letting the cool burn spread through his hands.

The swing seat made an eerie screech, groaning under his weight, and he probably would’ve associated the sound with horror movies and ghosts when he was little. But perhaps that was just an excuse to cover up the fact that he had never been allowed to play on a swing set or anything remotely close to child play.

He could safely say that he hadn’t been missing out on much as a kid.

It was early in the morning and the sun still hadn’t dominated the sky—the way he liked it. He supposed that he should get up to leave soon. This was a fairly public area and would soon be crawling with humans and he was sure doves would be among them, but not even that thought caused him to budge. He wasn’t even sure that he would if he was confronted with investigators or that he would want to.

He smiled sourly at the ground finding it a rather ironic thought. It certainly wouldn’t have crossed his mind a year ago; actually, he probably would’ve punched himself in the face and told himself to snap out of it. Why should he be reckless? He had never wagered his life or thought of someone else’s as more important, not even with his own sister.

So why was it so hard to care now?

 

The café was small, quaint, and dimly lighted with an orange hue that made the place cozier and home-like; it was everything and more that he expected from Hinami. He watched her from a safe distance—the other end of the street—as she served a customer with a placid smile on her face. He always loved that she could smile like that, so carefree, especially after everyone she had lost. He had asked her once why she would bother to anymore and she had looked at him perplexingly like the answer was clear as day.

“Well, you know that happiness can be contagious right?”

Ayato scoffed slightly but nodded.

“If I have the chance to make someone’s day better just by smiling and being nice then it really would be unfair if I stopped just because I wanted to dwell on the past. And in return it’ll make me feel better even if only by a smudge. You should try it sometime!”

He smiled and walked away deciding that even if her joy was contagious, he himself was not ready to take her up on her offer.

 

Ayato did his best to avoid the wards that were occupied with pedestrians and tourists, mostly because he wasn’t sure what he would do when confronted with so many vulnerable humans; besides, he had no business in the areas. They were too densely populated by humans and doves that it was too risky to make a kill and Ayato didn’t do much these days that didn’t conclude in killing.

So when he ended up in Yokohama he was more than surprised. Perhaps, he had been too preoccupied with thinking about avoiding large cities that he had forgotten to actually carry out the action and this had led him to walking into one of the largest cities south of Tokyo.

He closed his eyes and sighed, exhaling deeply through his nose before he decided to take a quick look around before leaving.

After fishing around in his pocket for a bit he pulled out his phone and the black earbuds that were wrapped tightly around the device. He put the earbuds in and turned the volume significantly high and dropped the phone back in his pocket, deciding that he would rather not stare at a piece of hardware that managed to hold too many memories.

He circled around a few blocks, staying on the side of the road that had less people until he was back on the street he had started from. He eyed the vacant bus station across the street and curtly walked over to it.

There was no one near the bus bench and when he checked the times list that the station provided he was relieved to find out that no bus would be coming there for the remainder of the day; which meant no people would come either.

Or so he thought.

There was a man or rather a boy coming his way and Ayato did not like the look he held in his gaze. He was taller than Ayato if only by a few inches and he had neat black hair that framed his pale face well; not a single hair out of place. He wore a sweater with a collared shirt underneath that practically screamed ‘Prep school’.

The boy looked too similar to someone Ayato would rather forget and unease slithered up the ghoul’s spine with unbearable slow, wet pace.

He moved to leave but the boy gestured at him not to and stated, “Don’t mind me,” and then plopped next to him.

Ayato would be damned if he was going to run away from a human just because he resembled a certain corpse. He settled for a cross sigh and ignorance.

The boy beside him mumbled something incoherent that Ayato couldn’t catch due to his music and the fact he couldn’t read the boy’s lips without turning to face him.

Ayato pulled a cord out of his right ear and glared at the boy out of his eye. “What?”

The boy stared at him for a few seconds before he answered with a simple, “I said that it’s getting late.”

Ayato huffed. “The bus won’t be coming back until five in the morning.”

The boy nodded slowly and slipped his hands inside his large shirt sleeves. “I know.”

“Then why are you here?” Annoyance crept into his tone.

“I could ask the same thing to you,” the boy smirked and eyed Ayato out of the corner of his eye.

He got up abruptly tired of these pointless mind games when a hand tugged at his sleeve.

“I’m Sou,” the boy said with a nonchalance that didn’t quite fit the look in his eyes.

Ayato narrowed his eyes and decided to humor him. “Ayato.”

He turned and threw a quick, “Come on,” over his shoulder.

“Where are we going?” Asked Sou when he fell in line with Ayato’s swift pace.

“Nowhere in particular.”

The boy followed Ayato faithfully as he wound around the streets of Yokohama aimlessly. He did not ask Ayato any more questions but he was sure it was because Sou knew he would receive answers that would leave him more puzzled then before he had asked the question.

They had been walking roughly for about fifteen minutes when they rounded to an empty parking lot.

Ayato stopped and surveyed the area before he turned around.

Sou stared at him with suspicious doe eyes and it made Ayato hesitate if only for a second. He stepped closer to Sou, quickly invading the boy’s personal space and cornering him against the building.

Sou pressed his back against the concrete wall and began to stutter out the beginning of a sentence when Ayato shushed him.

“Sou?” Ayato crooned, hot breath brushing against the boy’s cheek.

“Y-Yes?” Sou pressed his hands flat against the ghoul’s chest but there was no force behind them to push Ayato away.

Ayato grinned widely and pressed a knee in between the boy’s legs, eliciting a small yelp. “I’m not going to lie, you look absolutely delicious,” Ayato licked his lips and met the quivering boy’s eyes.

“I-Thank you?”

Ayato chuckled at the confusion that filtered through the boy’s face. He buried his face in the crook of Sou’s neck and inhaled the sweet scent that accumulated there. “There are so many things I want to do to you,” he purred lowly in his ear, “will you let me do them?”

The boy shrunk away from Ayato slightly before he croaked out a breathy, “Yes.”

Ayato grinned, gleefully. “Good answer.”

He licked along the strip of Sou’s neck and the boy shuddered beneath him. Ayato kissed lightly on the skin that his pulse resided beneath before he gave a small peck to the boy’s lips. When he pulled away Sou was watching with doting, half-lidded eyes and it made Ayato’s heart quicken with excitement.

“Maybe in another life, Sou,” he whispered evenly before he bit into the boy’s neck. He shook with pleasure as the blood thickened on his tongue, the human’s screams running shivers up his spine.

He plunged his kagune into the boy’s stomach, letting it twist and churn his entrails before he pulled it back letting blood and intestines pool at their feet in a perfect array organs.

Sou croaked, letting out a rattled breath before his body fell limp in Ayato’s arms. He knelt letting the body fall to the ground with a dull thud.

A manic laugh escaped him as he bent down to feed and it masked the voice behind him.

“Yeah, ‘Nee-chan I’m walking home now, just taking a quick detour…” The words fell short in the dusk, choked down by a timid, dry swallow.

His fingers clenched around the innards he held; pressure causing them to burst and bleed through the cracks between his fingers, in a viscid waste.

The voice ebbed at his mind, recalling rather dreadful memories. His head swiveled around, far too quickly and unnaturally, like the head of a doll that spun freely, unhinged.

He was stared back at with eyes like glass marbles, large and petrified, an open mouth with dead whispers on its tongue.

Ayato narrowed his eyes and rolled his shoulders back, attempting for a fluid motion but it came out jerky, compulsive. He stood and wiped his hand across his mouth, smearing the blood instead of cleaning it.

He watched, alert, wondering if he would have to resort to fight or flight, but he soon realized that he had horrified the other into dead silence.

“I advise running.”

Yuu blinked, confusion clear on his expression. “Huh?”

Ayato lowered his head, hunching his back slightly and widening his eyes in a crazed manner. “I said you should start running.”

Yuu took a timid step back but it was made out of intimidation and not obedience. “I—Wait, I-I thought you didn’t k-kill people.”

Ayato coughed out a bitter laugh. “You thought what?”

Yuu’s eyes darted to the body and back to Ayato like his mind couldn’t quite connect the two.

“Look kid,” Ayato licked at his dripping fingers, “Remember last time when I said I wouldn’t let you off as easy when I ran in to you next?”

The boy’s eyes widened further than thought possible and Ayato was sure his message had gotten across.

“Yeah well,” he rolled his eyes slowly until they landed back on Yuu, “I wasn’t exaggerating.”

“But,” he drawled, “I am feeling quite generous lately, so I’ll let you get a head start.”

Yuu shook his head as if he were trying to rid it of Ayato’s words. His legs wobbled, unsteady and he lurched forward then back as he was a dog on a leash being hauled back. “I—please, just listen!”

Ayato’s eye twitched in irritation but he did not move.

“My sister, s-she’s waiting for me! I have to get back home and, and I’m sure you know what that feels like…Your friend,” he exclaimed desperately.

Ayato perked slightly.

“Y-yeah your friend! He—I’m sure he’s worried about you…its late and…” His words drawled, forgotten when he glanced at the expression Ayato’s face held.

Ayato’s knees bent, his feet itching to move forward, his fingers already clenching and unclenching, his mouth watering. “Remember when I said I’d give you a head start?”

Yuu swallowed visibly and tilted his head at the ghoul in a semi-nod.

“It just shortened by five minutes. Which leaves you with,” he cocked his head, “three…two…one seconds left.”

Yuu fell back quickly, his body reacting before his mind was able to register what was happening. And boy did he run; his feet colliding with the ground in harsh raps, his chest heaving with short, heavy breaths, but his efforts were for none and his legs could not carry him to safety.

The ghoul felt a burst in his stomach, like something coiled and tight had given way and it spread out through his body and to the tips of his fingers and he ran too.

Ayato could hear the short whines that dripped off of Yuu’s pants, could taste the sweet musk of his sweat, could feel the fear that rolled off his spine, emanating from his entirety. And it only encouraged him to run faster.

And so he did.

And soon he was knocking the boy to the ground, his head ramming into the concrete with a sharp thud, his body crammed under the ghoul’s weight.

Yuu quickly recovered and he lunged forward trying to escape Ayato’s grip, his arms outstretched gripping the ground, his nails raking the concrete leaving them parted and bloody.

His screams ricocheted like wind-chimes stuck in a storm, deafening and shrilled.

Ayato turned him over preferring to be able to see the human’s face contort with pain when he would tear into his skin. Yuu was sobbing but it was not something that caught the ghoul’s eye as he clawed into the boy’s stomach.

There was this overwhelming thumping that drowned out the guttural screams, fluttering and panicked like a trapped bird. He plunged his hand into the muscles, wrenching them out and flinging entrails back.

He needed to find the bird; free it.

There was a kick beneath him, writhing, a struggle.

_Find the bird._

His hands began to shake as they worked through gore, his fingers raking over the wounds until the skin and muscles gave way.

 _Free the bird_.

There was a stillness that quelled the human’s body when his hands were placed over wide, arched bones. He paused, surveyed the large cages before he yanked at them, one by one until those birdcages were destroyed and the thumping could finally cease.

Ayato rocked back on his knees, his chest heaving uncontrollably and his body shook with this sudden vibration. It was his laughter; a dead rasped sound that echoed out his throat causing his mind to be emptied of noise, replaced with an unexpected cloak of hysteria.

They stared back at him; those plastic orbs, shined with wax and devoid of life. And they asked him _why?_

And he could not muster up an answer.

His body was raked with a wave of pain that clawed at his skin and he felt a bird fluttering in his own chest.

His laughter was cut short, choked and distorted as they were twisted into cries and wails.

He fell back on his hands and they shifted causing him to worm away from the scene until he was up on his feet and running again, always running.

Air whipped his hair back, drying his tears until they became nothing but tracks of regret that stained his colored cheeks. He flew past the familiar streets, his feet being the only ones that met their pavement. Stumbling a bit he was able to open the door and he sprinted up the stairs, running up the flights until he reached the floor.

When he crashed into the door he realized it had been left open for him. And his legs gave out, his body collapsing in the entryway of the apartment.

The hallways was dim lit only by the moonlight that soaked in through on of the bedroom doors.

There was a shuffle of footsteps behind one of those doors and then it was opened slowly, as if the person behind it was fearful of what the might find on the other side.

Hinami peered at him, her eyes narrowed to slits as she stood there with her arms holding the lips of her cardigan together.

He thought he heard her mutter his name but he can’t be sure because the bird in his chest is thumping too loudly for him to concentrate.

She scuffles towards him and slides to the ground by his side. Her honey eyes are shadowed with worry and something else, as if she had been expecting yet hoping something like this wouldn’t happen.

Hinami pulls the boy into her chest, letting his head rest just below her neck and there’s one hand on his nest of hair while the other trails down his back in a soothing manner.

And his back breaks and they make his breaths fractured and he tries to sob but there are no more tears to shed and he ends up clenching his eyes shut and shaking in his friend’s arms.

She holds him tight and whispers to the empty air, “I miss them too.”

The hysteria in his ribs is suppressed with realization and his mind is overwhelmed with this sense of selfishness and culpability.

And he thinks he understands now what he wasn’t able to before.

\--

He pushes the door open and his nose is quickly assaulted with the aroma of coffee beans and tea leaves. He scans the shop and is met with wide, astonished eyes and a bright smile.

“Ayato!”

His mouth twinges a bit and he strolls over to the girl behind the counter. Hinami crushes him in an awkward over the bar counter hug and makes little yelps of glee.

“You came! I’m so happy,” she exclaims as she finally releases the boy. He slides down into a stool and shrugs at her.

He shrinks a bit from the irresistible scent of humans that lingers in the air and focuses instead on the girl in front of him.

Hinami pulls out an ornamented cup and starts to pour steaming coffee into it. She slides over to him and chirps, “Here ya go.”

Ayato takes the cup hesitantly before he brings it to his lips and swallows what could possibly be the best coffee he has ever tasted in short life. He puts the cup back on the small plate and smiles at Hinami when there is an abrupt cough next to him.

“Oh!” Hinami jumps a bit and motions to the man sitting next to Ayato. “This is Saeki; he comes into the shop sometimes.”

The dark haired man timidly waves at him and his bug eyes dart around the room as if they were too shy to meet Ayato’s.

“Hello, I’m Karao Saeki. Hinami-chan has told me a lot about you Kirishima-san,” he sticks out his hand awkwardly.

Ayato’s brows lift at the honorifics and decides he likes anyone who respects him even though they’re clearly older than him. He takes the clammy hand and gives it a rough shake.

He flashes his signature grin. “Ayato Kirishima.”

\--

There is a loud shrill off excitement that reverberates through the apartment complex that causes Ayato to drop his phone onto the ground; as it does so his buds are yanked out of his ears in an almost painful way.

His brow furrows with confusion as he stares at the wall that separates him and the excited monkey next door.

The room to his door is quickly busted through and in the entryway stands Hinami with a triumphant smile on her lips and her hands on her hips.

“Guess what day it is,” she practically yells even though they’re only a few feet apart.

Ayato’s face contorts with perplex. “Wednesday?”

“No silly!” She says but does not further explain which leads Ayato to believe that she wants him to continue guessing.

“July 4th?”

She groans and her hands drop from her hips as she saunters closer to him. “No you idiot, it’s your birthday!”

Ayato sighs heavily and his face scrunches up as if he is physically pained by the news. “How’d you figure it out?”

Hinami grins cheekily at him and waves a finger. “I have my resources.” She lunges towards him, grabs his wrist and hauls him towards the kitchen.

On the small dining table sits two boxes. One is very colorful and wrapped up with gift wrapping paper and the other is smaller and a simple cardboard box. Hinami hands him the colorful one first, practically bouncing as she does so.

He arches a brow at her but does not question the gesture as he rips through the package. When he opens the box inside sits a smooth dark green book with red trim.

He picks it up and mutters the title, “ _Air in the lungs of the dead_ ,” before he turns it over to see the back and flip through a few pages.

He gives Hinami a sceptical look. “Why?”

She throws her hands in the air. “I heard it’s a great book and I thought that for your 18th birthday I’d teach you how to read.”

Ayato can think of a bunch of bitter retorts to the explanation but he swallows them instead and nods at her, a small thanks slipping past his lips.

He glances at the smaller box that still sits on the table. Hinami follows his gaze.

“Oh yeah, somebody left that for you,” she leans closer to him. “Open it I’ve been dying to know what’s inside for the last few days.”

Ayato puts the book down and picks up the other box, confused as to who would send him a gift and why they would know his birth date.

He slides the top off and inside is blue craft paper and a card that’s blocking the box’s contents. Hinami hovers over him as he opens the card and read along with him. It reads:

_Hello Ayato._

_I know you have most likely have never heard of me but I have heard quite a lot about you from your sister. She loved you very much and spoke of you fondly the few times I was able to convince her to. I only thought it would be right to give a gift to you since she can’t. She mentioned a few things you liked so I thought this would be appropriate. I hope you enjoy the gift and I hope I can meet you one day._

_Your sister’s friend, Yoriko Kosaka._

Inside was a dark blue hat in the shape of a rabbit.

\--

Hinami slips into the booth and sits across from him, jostling him out of his concentration. He puts the book he holds in his hands down and glances up at her.

“Guess what?” She beams at him with excited brown eyes.

He cocks his head slightly to this side knowing there was no point in asking, “What?” because she would answer anyway.

“I was with Saeki and we saw the Quinx squad.”

Ayato groans and rolls his eyes at her in disbelief. “Those guys are but a myth and you know it Hinami.”

Hinami whines and leans forward a bit. “No! I swear it was them. They’re looking for Torso,” her eyes fill with worry and nervousness, “Ayato…”

Ayato sighs. “Hinami its fine. There’s no way they’ll be able to figure it out. We have Saeki under a close watch and not even he can fuck this up,” he glances at the girl, “He’ll be fine I promise.”

Her nerves seem to calm a bit at his words and she leans back against the booth.

“Oh,” she jumps with remembrance, “You know you favorite author? Haru Sasa—something—”

“Haise Sasaki,” he corrects.

“Yeah that guy. Get this,” she wriggles in her seat with excitement. “He’s the leader of Quinx squad.”

Ayato stares at her with disbelief and annoyance.

“I’m not joking, Ayato, I heard one of the other ones call him that.”

Ayato waves it off, disregarding it completely, writing it off as a coincidence and quickly changes the topic.

\--

He watches his friend with observant eyes as she waves off the last customers and starts to close down the coffee shop. When she closes the door she pulls off her apron with a tired sigh and saunters over to the counter where Ayato is sitting.

She glances at him, flashes a small smile and disappears behind the ‘Staff Members Only’ door.

When she pops back out she’s bundled up in her coat and scarf and she has her bag with her.

“Ready to go home?” He asks.

She nods her head or at least tries to but it proves to be difficult for her with the large scarf around her neck; it makes him snort.

They walk out together and Hinami locks the door and off they go.

It’s been a year since his eighteenth birthday. He has read Hinami’s gift at least a few times and was sure he could recite it word by word if he was asked to.

He never did meet Yoriko but he was grateful for her gift at least; the hat was keeping his head and ears warm even if he did look ridiculous with the bunny ears.

It had been a while since they had heard anything about the Quinx squad and they hadn’t bumped into them ever since Hinami and Saeki had spotted them that day. It almost seemed as if they slipped under the radar, but he knew they were still there and he would never let his guard down.

He glanced over at the petite girl next to him. “Hey.”

She gave him a funny look before she whispered, “Hey,” back.

“I was thinking about maybe going back to the island.”

Hinami perked at the statement. “You mean the…” Her words drifted off as if it was forbidden to say the island’s name.

“Yeah that one.”

Ayato bumped her hip playfully with his. “You wanna come?”

Hinami giggled but shook her head. “You know I can’t leave this shop alone or it’ll fall part without me.”

Ayato grinned and nodded slightly even though he was hoping she would agree.

They were silent for a moment before Hinami looped her arm in his and pulled him closer.

“I think,” she paused for a moment gathering her thoughts, “that if it helps you find closure then it’s a wonderful idea, but you shouldn’t go expecting to…find something else.”

Ayato nodded solemnly and stared at the pavement sidewalk.

When Hinami had noticed his uncharacteristic silence she squeezed his forearm.

“You better send me photos and buy me a bunch of things,” she beamed.

Ayato laughed under his breath. “Of course.”

Closure. He mulled the idea over and decided that it settled well with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this was late I've been swamped with school and other shit. I'm sad to see this end :( but! i decided there will be a continuation.  
> I jumped around a lot in this ch so if you have questions about anything feel free to ask!


	10. Acedia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Acedia: spiritual or mental sloth; apathy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tg:re spoilers !! kinda ish

_"We all wear masks, and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing some of our own skin". -_ André Berthiaume

\--

There was something scratching in the far corners of his mind, poking around and whispering words he couldn’t quite decipher. It was as if there was something trying to crawl out from the depths of his memories, something, someone, pounding on his minds walls, demanding to be remembered.

He narrowed his eyes at the spirals that swirled in the wood of his desk, his fingers twitched, aching as if they were tense.

“Sir!”

Startled out of his reverie, Haise ended up knocking over the ink bottle that sat on his desk, a dark black blooming over the white documents.

He cursed under his breath and averted his attention to his subordinate.

“Mutsuki.”

The boy looked at him with absolute horror and fear. “I-I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to startle you.”

Haise waved him off quickly, a placid smile on his face in hopes of quelling the boy’s nerves; it seemed to work fairly enough.

“Are you sure?” Mutsuki asked, glancing nervously at the mess on Haise’s desk.

Haise smiled at the question. “They can simply be reprinted, but I highly doubt they’d be of any use to us.”

Mutsuki seemed like he didn’t quite agree with Haise’s placidity but he managed to hold his tongue back.

“What is it you needed to see me about?” He asked over his shoulder as he attempted to gather the spoiled documents without staining his fingers. The attempt was futile. He was left with dark stains that seeped into the crevices of his fingers and palms—a stark contrast to his pale complexion.

The boy perked up at the question and withdrew the papers he held behind his back. He handed them to Haise but then retracted his arm when he noticed Haise’s current predicament. “It’s the case file you wanted me to fetch.”

Haise glanced at the folder and something seemed to knot in the base of his throat, washing a wave of nausea through his system. He swallowed the sickening feeling, repressing it and nodded at Mutsuki.

He knew well what he had asked for and what he would find inside the manila folder, yet this thought did little to calm his nerves.

He beckoned Mutsuki closer with a nod of his head and wiped his hands on his black slacks, immediately regretting it. Mutsuki stumbled closer and opened the folder, placing it on the small clean portion of his desk that had survived the inks spillage.

 

Alias: Black rabbit

RC Type: Ukaku

Rating: SS

Affiliations: Aogiri Tree

 

Haise skimmed over the words and then his eyes settled on the picture provided. It was blurry, poorly taken and from a distance. It seemed like the ghoul was male but it was hard to be sure especially with the mask that shielded its face. There was something that caught Haise’s gaze. Tucked underneath a dark cloak popped out a bright blue that covered the ghoul’s neck: a scarf.

A surge of pain rocketed through his skull, bursting with bright colors dancing behind his eyelids.

He winced and he felt Mutsuki’s hand on his arm. “Are you okay?”

Haise coughed into his elbow and beamed a reassuring grin at his subordinate. “Dandy.”

Mutsuki returned a timid smile. “Is that all you need, sir?”

Haise nodded and seated himself back into his chair, his grey orbs disregarded the folder that lied menacingly in the corner of his view.

“Oh,” he jumped slightly in remembrance, “gather up the team.”

Mutsuki bit his lip and quickly released it once he realized what he was doing. “I’m not sure they’ll answer, they never do, but I’ll try.”

Haise nodded in agreement. “I’m sure they’re already home. Just tell them I’ll be a little late, but I’d like to discuss the Torso case with them.”

Mutsuki’s face contorted with confusion. “The Torso case? We never solved that one, full of loose ends.”

He rubbed his chin with his palm and his gaze was drawn back to the ghoul’s casefile.

“I think I might’ve just found a way to tie one of those loose ends.”

\--

Haise swayed on his feet, waiting timidly outside the door before he worked up the courage to knock.

There were a few misplaces seconds before a low, “Come in,” replied.

Haise pushed the door open and closed it a bit louder than he would’ve wished for.

Arima had his back facing him, peering at something in bookshelves that stacked his walls. The situation felt eerily familiar to a conversation they had shared before. It had been a while back—when the Quinx squad was still new and Haise himself in a way was new as well.

Arima hadn’t been facing him that time either; only glancing at him from the corner of his eyes.

He had told Haise that it would be good to increase his restrictions and limits. And then he asked Haise if he had heard “the voice” again. Haise had had no reason to lie so he confessed, albeit reluctantly.

“He whispers in my ears, “Use me. Lend me your body,” but now I’m sure he said, “Give it back.” I’m pretty sure he is the _past me_ ,” he had admitted.

And he had continued, saying, “I don’t know the _me_ who lived the past 20 years but, I’m really happy living like this.”

He had lied.

Or maybe he hadn’t been lying then, perhaps he had truly believed this. But if had to repeat those words, if this conversation lead a similar route, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to.

It wasn’t that this life made him unhappy. No far from it. He had a family here. His squad and Arima and Akira, they all meant the world to him and he wouldn’t trade them for anything.

There was just something missing.

He didn’t know what it was or who it might be. He didn’t know if a revelation would make him feel better and act as some sort of closure or if it wouldn’t—he didn’t know if he would have to lose this life if he tried to remember.

But he had to. He needed to. Even if it was only to rid himself of doubts; start anew.

“You’ve been distracted lately.”

Haise perked making a short humming sound of confusion.

“I don’t know if the Torso case has caused you to lose your hopes…but you haven’t been your usual self,” Arima stated coolly.

“Oh.”

Arima turned to face him and eyed him thoughtfully.

“Have you been hearing the voice again?”

Haise felt his lungs seize and it took him a massive effort to weeze out a short but true, “No.”

Recently he had no encounters with his former self—no waking nightmares or breaks in composure. He was restless. The aching silence in his mind was driving him insane, edged—worried when he would be back.

Arima eyed as if he didn’t quite believe Haise but did not press further.

Silence stretched between the two men causing Haise fidget with his fingers behind his back.

“There is something bothering you. Is there not?”

Haise forced the swelling lump in his throat to pass and he stared at Arima’s chest, finding it too difficult to gaze into his eyes.

“I was going through some old casefiles for SS rated ghouls,” he rubbed his check with his finger self-consciously, “and I came across the Black Rabbit. I can’t help but feel like I know them…or at least I used to.” He kept his eyes casted to the ground but when there was no reply from Arima he decided to glance up at him.

Arima’s face was impossible to decipher. He seemed to be mulling over the information but appeared to have little reaction, as if the news wasn’t surprising.

“This is what has been troubling you?”

Haise nodded and added in a small voice, “Among other things.”

Thankfully Arima did not ask him to elaborate and for that he was grateful.

“I just…” Haise rubbed the bones of his knuckles with his palm in a calming manner as if they were alive. “I was wondering about this person and where they fit into my past…and even though I can’t remember their face I have a certain feeling that they were…beautiful.” 

He felt his face blossom with color, cheeks kissed by a sudden heat that washed over it as embarrassment quickly took over; he hadn’t meant to blurt those thoughts out.

Arima stared at him impassively with blank eyes and then he blinked and small crinkles appeared around the edges of his eyes in an almost invisible smile.

Haise stumbled backward and he let out a short forced laugh. “I-uh should go check on the quinckes…yeah! They’ll be waiting for me,” he pawed at the doors handle behind his back and gave Arima a crooked smile before he darted out the door and down the hallway, wishing he could banish all thoughts about a certain ghoul.

\--

Lounging, he read or at least tried to. Saiko had her head draped across his lap, fidgeting often and complaining that she couldn’t get comfortable.

“Maman, you’re all table corners!” She exclaimed and poked his hipbone roughly to elaborate. Haise jumped slightly at the touch and simply glared at the girl. She seem unfazed by his clear discomfort and continued to play her video game, grumbling every time she messed up.

Since it was Autumnal Equinox the investigators were allowed the day off and Haise had decided it was a perfect opportunity to catch up on his reading.

Saiko had other ideas. She had claimed that today was a day set aside for ‘Family Bonding’. Haise had commented that the rest of the squad wasn’t here so they couldn’t possibly bond and she had replied, insisting that they would be back soon.

“Where did Mutsuki go?” Saiko asked curiously and put down her video game momentarily.

“I’m not sure,” Haise answered absentmindedly. “He should be back soon though.”

Saiko frowned and chewed on her bottom lip. “I hope he’s okay. He’s never been gone this long.”

Haise sighed and turned a page back in his book after he realized that none of it had registered after he had read it twice. “It’s only been a few hours. I’m sure he’s fine. He would’ve called if something felt wrong.”

Saiko nodded and closed her eyes, slowly drifting until she had dozed off completely. Haise found himself rereading the same passage over and over again until his eyelids began to droop as well.

 

Something tugged at the line, adamant on reviving it and with cold whispers and lithe fingers, grasping it with hunger and lust. With a rattled shake _it_ took _its_ first breath, swelling _its_ deflated lungs; air cold on _its_ lips, _it_ rose and plucked the line letting it thrum alive under _its_ fingers.

The line ran its length until its end coiled around the red organ, tightening, making its beats pulse erratically and pained.

He clutched his chest, the inner skin of his fingers sliced by the line’s fine, thin edge. He tried to move back but the line, the bond, beckoned him back.

 _It_ plucked the line one more time and vibrations coursed its way up and into his body, shaking even his bones. He stared at _it_ , fearful and enthralled.

 _It_ smiled, blue orbs glinting.  

 

Haise woke with a sudden shudder and a loss of warmth. He blinked the sleep away and realized that Saiko was no longer sprawled on his lap. No, instead she was at his desk—its drawers open and a notebook in her hand. Haise jolted up at the sight and practically pounced on her.

“Saiko!” He tore the book out of her hand and held it behind his back. “I told you not to look through my things,” he whined in a distressed tone.

Saiko pushed her hair off her shoulder and simply grinned. “Maman I didn’t know you were a writer.”

Haise tensed his grip ever so tight on the notebook; he was pretty sure 98% of his face was covered in a dark blush. “They’re just dream logs.” He says under his breath.

Saiko leans back in his desk chair and pets his knee with her foot. “Well you’re still good. You should write a book about those ‘dreams’ of yours.”

Haise rubs his cheek with his finger. “You really think so?”

“Mhm,” Saiko gets up and starts to stalk out of the room, a mischievous smile on her face. “I’m going to catch up on my sleep,” she mumbles. Haise rolls his eyes at her, completely unsurprised.

“Maman?”

“Hm?” Haise places his journal on his desk.

“I didn’t know you were gay?” She asks in a faux innocent tone.

Haise bristles, tensed and alarmed. “I’m not!” He all but screams.

Saiko chuckles under her breath and sings, “Those dreams of yours say otherwise!”

His eyes bulge and he grabs a paperweight and throws it at her pretty little head, but she’s already out the door laughing and the green paperweight collides with the ground with a dull thud.

\--

 _Its_ laughter is buoyant, airy and it echoes every corner of the dim forest. The sound fills him with this uncomfortable warmth in his chest and as _its_ lips curl into a glistening smile then opens to speak, he feels his chest expand and collapse—an invitation.

 _It_ speaks and _its_ words come out disfigured, subdued as if there was a wall of glass between them, but there isn’t. There is no space between them and he starts to wish there was because now he’s aware of _its_ touch and how it winds up his spine, how _it_ places _its_ fingers delicately on his skin, moving, playing a fine tune that he can’t recognize.

He leans on his hands and grips the earth, foliage crinkling under his fingers, and tries to ground himself from this _being_. But the ground is too cold and too dead and there is nothing to grip but stone.

And his breath is stolen away as _it_ crashes into his chest limp, a dead weight, and begins to sob. The vibrations of _its_ cries send a chill throughout his body and he averts his eyes to the sky that has just darkened. He watches the stars dance in his vision and listens to _it_ speak, or attempts to at least.

He steals a glance downward, hesitant. _It’s_ watching him, with tears pooling in _its_ dark eyes and _its_ lips are trembling from emotion and remorse. And he feels his lips bend into a smile and he does not know why he is smiling or why he feels this wave of adoration fill his senses or why he is leaning forward to close the distance between them. But he is and their lips meet and _its_ mouth is cold like that of a corpse yet _its_ spitting this kerosene down his throat and setting a fire alive in his stomach. The flames curl and lick up his throat and out his mouth and he feels as if he is breathing oxygen into _its_ lungs, to sustain _it_ alive to keep _its_ infectious smile going. A kiss of life for the dead.

But the burn in his body is too grand and he feels the fire consume from the inside out, so he pulls away.

And they are somewhere else.

And he is holding _it_ and _it’s_ yelling something with fierce determination, love swirled in _its_ blue orbs, but he’s not seeing this; he cannot peel his eyes away from the scene happening behind them. There are dancers fighting, their white and red and orange crash brightly in the dark night and they destroy and in their wake they leave a burning building. The dancers, they consume the building in a fire so intimidating it quells the one in his own stomach.

And he knows someone is in there but he does not move. He instead continues to hold _it_ , committing to memory the texture of _its_ clothes, the sound of _its_ voice, the smell of _its_ smooth skin, the pure beauty _it_ emits. And then _it_ rips away from him and runs into the burning building.

He has already forgotten all that he tried to memorize. But it doesn’t matter because he faced with opponents, ones he must fight, ones he must win against, so that he can save _the corpse_.

An immense pain devours him and he is on his knees. His opponents are speaking and they say he was not worthy, saying he did not deserve the red eye, saying that they will kill him and someone else, but he doesn’t recognize the name. And they continue to speak of this person and as they do the smoldered fire in his stomach begins to burn bright again. His anger is alit but his life is not and it starts to dwindle, circling the drain like a drop of acid.

He can no longer see or breathe and he grieves, not because he is dead but because he can no longer be with _him_. The one he loved. The dead boy with air still circulating his lungs.

 

Haise sputters awake, his body demanding oxygen as he pants heavily. His heart is erratic, pounding in his chest as if it were trying to escape. He reminds himself that, _it’s just a dream, only a dream._ His grip on the chairs arms begins to loosen and with newfound ease he straightens his back and grabs his dream journal. He flips through it quickly and sets it down, reaching instead for another journal, one that had not yet been cracked open. He opens the first page and contemplates.

Picking up his pen, he etches seven words into the page: Air in the Lungs of the Dead.

\--

His middle is encased with an abrupt warmth and he looks down at the blue crown of hair.

“Maman you did it!” Saiko lets go of him reluctantly, beaming all the while.

Mutsuki embraces him quickly before gathering himself to congratulate his superior.

“I can’t wait to read it,” he says warmly, his hands clasped in front of him, his body swaying slightly from the contained excitement.

Haise nods his head at him eagerly and clutches the single copy of his book to his chest.

Shirazu clasps him on the shoulder yelling happily, commending him for his work. Urie doesn’t say anything but he stands in the doorway and gives Haise a curt nod which is more than enough for the investigator.

He stands warm in their praise, laughing, practically bouncing, and he wonders why he had ever wanted to leave this family in search of an old one he wasn’t sure existed.

\--

The golden syrup that sits on the table’s corner bubbles in the shaky cup and Haise is barely able to save it from crashing to the ground. He sends a warning glare to Shirazu but it melts quickly when he sees the excitement that emanates from the boy.

He’s wearing a ridiculous red Santa hat on his head and its round white end oscillates as he bounds from one side of Urie to the other.

“Come on cheer up, sourpuss, it’s Christmas!” Shirazu exclaims as he grips the shoulder of a peevish Urie.

Saiko scoffs at Shirazu’s attempt and hands Mutsuki another ornament to place on the tree. “Give up man, Urie is the Grinch himself.”

Urie practically growls in response and it cause Haise to giggle slightly.

Mutsuki turns to him as if he’s just remembered something important and runs into his room. He’s out again in a few seconds and returns with a box in his hand. He hands it to Haise warily and Haise gives him a confused look.

“Somebody left this outside. It’s addressed to you.” Mutsuki nods and back away. He slips back to the other three and continues to decorate, leaving Haise alone with his ‘gift’.

He opens it hesitantly. There are two things that sit inside the box: a book and a mask.

The image of the mask sends red alerts firing in his mind so he grabs the book instead.

He runs his finger over the title. The Hanged Man Macguffin. He opens the title cover and on the inside page there is a neat, tight scribble as if someone was trying to cram the word in quickly.

_For Kaneki Ken, Sen Takatsuki._

His breath is caught in his throat.

At least he knew how to spell his name now.

\--

Slipping into his chair, he sighed and began to survey the fresh new documents that had appeared on his desk. If there was anything Haise despised, it was pencil pushing.

He placed his steaming cup of tea gently on the table and sifted through the papers, finding the page he had left off. He worked to the dulled sound of computers’ humming and the scratching of his own pen etching word after word after word. Sometimes he relished the quiet, basking in its peace—especially when the quinckes got on his last nerve—and other times, times like now, he yearned for the tranquil tune of music or even the sounds of the bustling city below.

He set his pen down for the first time that morning and pressed his palms to the sockets of his eyes, subduing the growing throb that lay in the thick of his skull.

The pain did not relent as the clock’s hand passed a second hour and Haise’s leg had begun to bounce with unnerved anxiety. He pushed his chair back, falling slightly out of it and rushed into the hallway.

He ignored the odd glances thrown his way—he was too adamant on getting to the bathroom before the blinding pain behind his eyes caused him to collapse.

A wave of agony washed over him causing his knees to buckle and him to bend at the waist. His hand quivered under his weight, supporting him along the hallway wall.

There was laughter, airy, and lovely. A laughter that caused the edges of his mind to crack and splinter, giving way to a new corridor of familiarity.

His breath halted, trapped in the maze of his own throat.

 _“They’ll be pissed,”_ the voice echoed, dripping with playfulness and thrill.

He watched himself smile, curl his fingers in the mess of blue hair and his mouth form the words, _“Which only leaves us with the choice of—_

 _“—running away,”_ the boy interrupted his smile coy and cheeky.

  _“It’s very Romeo-and-Juliet-esque,”_ Haise had said, only it wasn’t him. A perfect image of him yes, but it wasn’t him. It was Kaneki.

Another quip of divine laughter, a snort, a chortle, a look of endearment and the dead boy said, _“Romeo and Romeo: the second installment.”_

He felt a saccharine warmth spread throughout his chest, intertwining between the curves of his ribs and he laughed, _boy_ did Kaneki laugh.

A glint flickered in those blue glass orbs, doll-like even, and he reached out to link their hands together, their bare skin pressed flush together, the curves of their bodies fitted like a puzzle.

And he felt his heart seize.

Haise doubled over, his body demanding to retch but he refused and forced the small sliver of will and strength he had left to stumble into the bathroom.

He was thankful the bathroom was vacant and he was alone with only his own reflection as company. He stared at his pale-sickly complexion, the dark bags that danced under his light eyes, his pale lips cracked and split, dry.

A sharp pain thrummed through his forehead—a sensation akin to being gouged. Gasping, Haise pressed his head against the bathroom counter, cringing, eyes shut, trying to ride out the pain.

 _“I am me [Kaneki]. You are you [Haise],”_ he said in a tight, forced voice, head hung low. _“We just share the same body.”_

_“Have you heard of the caterpillar fungus?”_

“Cater…pillar?”

_“It’s a parasitic fungus that targets insects,” Kaneki paused. “The caterpillar fungus germinates moths and when spring is about to end, they turn into vegetation. Separate lives are struggling in the same body.”_

Opening his eyes wide, bloodshot and irritated, he gazed at the child out of the corner of his eye. He looked somber; something Haise had never seen on his face.

_“That’s a bit like us,” voice dripping tears. “You can’t continue to live while you have me inside. The more you know the more your identity will fade.”_

The words caused his stomach to hurl, twist with discomfort.

 _“Even if you held on, you would end up **where I am**_. _We can’t **coexist**. I doubt your sanity in wanting to ‘save’. **You’ve finally looked at me.** So please, **next time** make sure…to disappear,” those two words were dropped, an unfinished sentence washed over by the loud shouted words, **“That you don’t erase me.”**_

And he was gone, leaving Haise in a heap of his own tears and spit.

\--

The knock was shy, hesitant, unsure, barely even existent, but it was heard and he was allowed in.

“Haise.”

He bowed slightly in greeting and shifted awkwardly on his feet before he blurted out his request.

“I was wondering if you would allow me a few days off—a temporary leave…”

He kept his eyes on the ground, timid, fearful of looking his boss in the eyes.

Arima was quiet, his breaths and movements inaudible, and if Haise didn’t know better he’d think he was in the room alone.

“May I ask what prompted this request?” Arima questioned through tight lips.

Haise’s head shot up, hopeful.

Fumbling with his hands behind his back he responded. “The book I wrote,” he glanced at Arima who nodded in reassurance. “The majority of it was set in a forest on an island—one that I made up, well, I thought I had. It turns out that it wasn’t. Mutsuki pointed it out to me saying that it resembled an island on the inlands of Japan.” He paused to collect his thoughts, ones that were determined to scatter.

“I think I’ve been there…before the…I’d like to visit it. To gather myself, I suppose,” he mumbled, confused himself.

Arima leaned back in his chair, expressionless. “I will allow it, for closure at the least.” He eyed Haise unnervingly and added, “But I do hope you are not in search of something in doing so.”

Haise nodded then shook his head violently. “Of course not and thank you.”

They traded a few words and then he was dismissed, leaving Haise to wander back to his office.

Wondering, what Arima had meant. Wondering, if he indeed was searching. Wondering, what it was he wanted to find. Wondering.

\--

He stands there.

The dead boy.

Awe-struck, confused, tears brimming blue orbs.

He does not breathe. Does not speak. Does not move forward, does not elaborate.

He leaves.

Leaves Haise alone in a familiar, unfamiliar forest, wondering.

Perhaps the question he should’ve asked himself was not what he was searching for but who.

Who the dead boy was and why the sight of Haise made him sob and stumble, to run in fear. To be stared at with such eyes, ones that held half a heart in each.

Who indeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to CRY. Honestly, I was withholding this chapter mostly because I was in denial that SmA was over, but that's not completely fair to you guys. Which btw !! Thank You guys so much, all of you who have stuck with this story even with my horrible horrible habit of updating chapters months late and the hundreds of spelling mistakes I've probably have committed. THERE WILL BE A CONTINUATION !! It'll be called, This Dead Boy, and I'm not completely sure when the first chapter will be up ? I'm going to take a break from multi-chaptered fics for a bit (this was the first one I've actually completed and haven't dropped lol). But I'll be writing a few one shots and rebooting an old series for Haikyuu that I kinda abandoned... Thank you so much !! Until next time...


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